Almost Clever

Requiem for a Dream

2007-04-13T06:23:00.000-05:00

If I ever do any video editing and need a really intense song, it'll be this version of the theme from Requiem for a Dream, as shown in these two videos.

MMMmmmm...Bears and Half-Life. What if Gordon Freeman played football? Would he be better than Reggie Bush?

Lazy Scranton

2007-04-11T14:35:00.000-05:00

How to do Nothing at Work and Still Get Paid

2007-04-11T12:31:00.000-05:00

That is the title of this video.

I agree with most of the points raised. I most certainly keep a cluddered desk and I always set up my sick days beforehand. Just the other week I wanted to go to a St Patrick's day themed drinking fest on a Friday morning. So the day before, I started coughing and complaining about my allergies to my supervisor. When I called the next morning, she actually suggested that I not come into work. I have also used the bad reaction to food excuse, the take my girlfriend to the hospital excuse, the flu excuse, and of course the bad reaction to medicine excuse. Wow, I have taken a lot of sick days.

The best way to do nothing at work and still get paid, however, is to work in an industry that has no competitors, profits, and little accountability while still having an overblown budget that is paid by the whole country. Mmmmm, bureaucracy, the Eden of the lazy, overpaid employee.

Bored

2007-04-11T11:08:00.000-05:00

I have been painfully bored the last two days (which is probably why I have resorted to blogging again).

I swear time is just craaawwwwlllliiiinnnnnnggggg by at the pace of a snail that is towing a sloth behind it while crossing a river of molasses in super slow-motion replay.

My Dwight Schrute bobblehead isn't even entertaining me at the moment. My life has lost all meaning.

The Trend Continues

2007-04-10T14:09:00.000-05:00

The vanity plate-izing of the English language continues and Motorola is once again leading the charge. It has two new phones out the KRZR and the RISR.

What has happened to spelling and vowels in this country? I swear people soon won't speak English anymore; they'll speak NGLSH. And all the great novels will be written in SMS. The war on vowels must stop. Do it for the the children.

Guillermo Canas Must Be Taken With Food

2007-04-10T13:51:00.000-05:00

While gearing up for the clay court season, Master of the Universe Roger Federer had this to say about his recent upset losses at the hands of Guillermo Canas:

"I think if I lost to two different players I would think I wasn't playing well, but with one guy I can think 'OK, this guy is on a roll'. It's just easier to digest."

Canas on a roll? I'd prefer him with a nice biscuit. That would make him much easier to digest in my opinion. What kind of biscuit? Is there any point even asking when the answer is oh, so obvious?

Catty Shack

2007-01-25T10:31:00.000-05:00

My spuervisor has been up and down the cubicles today with pictures of her new apartment and her two cats who somehow managed to get into the ceiling boards. This is how she brought it up with me.

S:Hey John, one quick thing.

J:Yes.

S: (looks puzzled) Oh wow I totally forgot what I was going to say. I've just been so tired. (looks at me with anticipatory look on her face)

J: (with a resigned expression as eyes glaze over) Why are you so tired?

S: (very perky) Well it's my darn cats...blah blah blah...and here I have pictures on my cell phone...blah blah blah...my cats are just crazy.(15 minutes elaspe)

J: Oh wow, maybe you should just put them down. Just kidding. Heh.

And then she moves onto the next helpless victim.

If I ever spend 3 hours of my day at the office talking about my cats when I am 43, please have me put down.

Because It Has Been Awhile

2007-01-24T17:20:00.000-05:00

The whole movie is availiable on these fine internets right here right here.

A New Life Goal

2007-01-24T17:06:00.000-05:00

to make this list.

Or I could go outside and play. Or better yet just watch TV all day.

The Gold Mine

2007-01-24T13:38:00.000-05:00

My childhood dream has finally come true. Seasons 3-10 are required viewing for all that wish to speak me for now on. You have been warned.

Classless?

2007-01-23T10:56:00.000-05:00

And I refer you to this post about the The Courage of the Saints.

"The Bears are who we thought they were."

There Are No Words

2007-01-22T17:28:00.000-05:00

Mistress Distress

2007-01-22T17:01:00.000-05:00

Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells has announced his retirement from football after 19 years in the league. Peter King describes his conversation with the man:

I called Bill Parcells on Saturday to say something I don't often say to anyone I cover. In fact, I don't remember ever saying it in 23 years covering the NFL.

"I really want you to coach one more year,'' I said to Parcells, whom I'm known since 1985, when I moved to New York to cover the Giants for Newsday. "You've got a quarterback you love, and you're having fun. I'd really love to be around that a little bit for one more year.''

"Maybe,'' he said. "You know, football's a powerful mistress, but the commitment is ... Well, it's a lot. Can you give what you know it'll take for 12 months? That's the question. These January-to-January deals are a pretty big undertaking. We'll see. But I don't think there'll be any shame if I say I can't do it anymore.''

First it's riduculous for a reporter to ask a coach to coach just one more year. So irritating.

Second the football as mistress analogy is hilarious. Football is something that you cheat on your wife with. It's something that is twelve months of hard, grueling work, and Bill just wasn't up for the job.("That's what she said") Bill you just need some Viagra or I guess since we are talking about the NFL, Levitra. Admitting you have football ED is the first step. Taking the proper steps to rectify the situation is the next.

I think both Peter King and most of Football America would urge Bill to consult his doctor and get ride those Cowboys all the way to the Super Bowl.

On Bathrooms

2007-01-22T16:19:00.000-05:00

Why do they split bathrooms into men and women?

Is it because women can't use urinals and men don't need *sanitary napkins* (best eupheminism ever)?

Is it part of a social construct to emphasize the differences between men and women and thus further justify and enable our current patriarchical society? (To quote a bumber sticker I saw recently "I'll be a post-feminist when there is a post-patriarchry.")

Or is it because seeing or hearing or being in the presence of the opposite sex relieving themselves on a daily basis would reduce the attractiveness and allure of the opposite sex for 95% percent of the population thus ensuring that only perverts who like a *golden* shower or *Cleveland Steamer* would reproduce? And if the latter is the case wouldn't homosexuals almost prefer to use the bathroom of the opposite sex?

Just some things that I have been thinking about.

Oh and by the way, if I may my reappropriate the wise words of famous rapper and a certain Nepali who enjoyed announcing his presence with the following phrase: "Guess who's back? Back again. I am back. Tell a friend."

The Greatest Website in the History of Man

2006-12-20T10:36:00.000-05:00

Right here. I can't say enough about it. Just go. Trust me. It's completely safe for work and will alter your life forever.

Go already. Why are you still reading?!

Secret Santa

2006-12-19T14:50:00.000-05:00

We did an office Secret Santa. I was under the impression that the point of a "Secret" Santa was that nobody knows who gave them what so that no feelings are hurt and no grudges are held. Well in my office the *secret* part is about as well-kept as the identity of Superman, in other words not all.

We all gathered around the conference table. The first person opened their gift, and immediately said, "Who gave this to me? I need to know. I love it." The giver then identified him/her/itself and the secret part was out the window.

My boss then proceeded to describe a joke he saw on the Mind of Mencia that was wholly inappropriate for an office setting. the punchline made fun of Koreans for eating dogs. I guess he thought since there are no asians in my office that it would be acceptable.

What did I get? I got this. What did I give? I gave this.
Both excellent presents indeed.

All in all, another awesome office experience.

No Words

2006-12-19T11:27:00.000-05:00

1000th Visitor

2006-12-19T11:05:00.000-05:00

Today at 3:00 AM (est) and 26 seconds, this blog had its one-thousandth visitor. And where was this visitor from...Nepal!!! How fitting! As a reward for being such a diligent reader, this person (and you know who you are) can write a post about whatever they want. (I'm assuming that it will be some very harsh criticsm deriding me for my lack of writing skills, my stupid humor, the lack of thought in the posts, the repetitive nature, how nobody ever comes to it, the fact that I'm American, how much I suck at Halo, my sexual preferences, etc.)

Anyways, it's not a heaping plate of wonderfully delicious momos but it could be the second best reward out there.

Miscellania

2006-12-15T17:08:00.000-05:00

Today I thought of the phrase, "Spite is the fuel of genius."

I don't know how true this is. Why do I say fuel? Fuel is not a transformative substance but only something to get something started. Although there are other fuels for genius as well I think, e.g. football, anger, love, boredom. "Spite is a fuel of genius" might be a better saying. Thoughts?

Anyways, I also watched all 8 episodes of 30 Rock online today and got paid to do it. It was all right. Tracy Morgan was surprisingly tolerable and the show actually has some edge. I suggest episode 8, "The Break-Up" for its inappropriate skewering of Condoleeza Rice.

Speaking of TV, I was fortunate enought to view "My Boys" on TBS this week. It is set in Chicago and consistently makes references to the northern suburbs, or North Shore, where I grew up. That's cool but the references make no sense whatsoever. They claimed there is a great sushi restaurant in Skokie, that for some reason it's uncool to live in Glenview, and that Northbrook has some racy hotel where slick guys take girls to party. I am sorry, but the closest thing that Northbrook has to "racy" the Dick's sporting goods just because its name is Dick's. Bizarre.

Many blogs have things a device called an Open Thread where commentators can talk about whatever they want. If I ever started a *popular* blog, all my open threads would be O"Pun" Threads. I am determined to make this happen one day.

Mmmm...Cupcakes

2006-12-15T10:18:00.000-05:00

I like to watch the O'Reilly factor for two reasons: 1. The War on Christmas segments and 2. The use of the term secular progressive. When Bill says etiher of these things, it touches me in places that one man should not touch another man. But now I have a third reason: Lessons in logical deduction.

The other night, Bill had on two proponents for same-sex parenting. Bill responded that same-sex parenting goes against nature:

You know the old commercial -- don't fool around with Mother Nature? What you're doing is you're taking Mother Nature and you're throwing it right out the window, and I just think it's crazy. I really do. And that's not based on religion or morals or -- Annie [sic], you're a good person, Norah's a good person. All right? But it's just that you say, "Hell with nature -- the hell with it. We're going to do what we want. It's just as good. And you guys are crazy." And that's what you're saying.

Bill further backed up his thesis that same-sex parenting was somehow unnatural with this logical gem:

You know, why wouldn't -- why wouldn't nature then make it that anybody could get pregnant by eating a cupcake?

To specify Bill analogy: Same-sex parenting is to heterosexual parenting as eating a cupcake is to getting pregnant.

It's genius. Absurdist genius.

Adjectives

2006-12-12T09:46:00.000-05:00

I was fortunate enough to see the movie The Holiday over the weekend. It's a romantic comedy with (in order of stalkability) Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, and Jack Black. My verdict: It is what I thought it was. No suprises. Engaging cast. Not bad. Not great.

I went on Rottentomatoes.com to see what the critics thought and was particulary struck by one review, the New York Observer's Rex Reed who describes the movie as "so loaded with charm that it makes you glow all over and puts a smile in your heart." To describe a movie as "loaded with charm" instantly makes me want to see movie. This got me thinking to what other types of reviews would make me want to see the movie. Here are my top 5:

5. "Packed with so much vein-popping adrenaline that it makes crystal meth feel like a cup of coffee."

4. "Loaded with so many laughs that your sides will literally split and begin to bleed."

3."Filled with sassy CGI talking animals with celebrity voices and a myriad of pop culture references that make it meanlingless after next year."

2."A movie that shows the gritty conflict between a idealistic young cop and the his fellow officers who are jaded by what they see in the line of duty."

1. "A film that is coated and dripping with delicious covering of wry irony that sardonically savages current American culture/poltics/people."

The Insanity Continues

2006-12-11T17:06:00.000-05:00

She is at again. Using the fax machine to call a number that doesn't exist again and again and again. How is this possible? Seriously, some people just need to put down for the good of society.
.
.
.
Well, maybe not put down.

The Economics of Laundry

2006-12-11T14:39:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend, I became engaged in a debate with my *significant* other, about how to properly handle my laundry. She wants me to fold, iron, organize and put away my laundry. I would prefer to use the laundry basket method, in that I just leave the clothes in the basket and iron them when neccessary.

She did not see the logic in my ways because we have different utility functions when it comes to laundry. She values the time she saves when it comes to picking out clothes to start the day more than the hour or two on a Saturday that it takes to organize the laundry. I, needless to say, value the Saturday hour more than the time it will take to gather my clothes for the day from the unorganized laundry basket.

She makes the argument that her way is better, when in truth, her way is better for her while my way is better for me. Like buying a video game system, her method is the PS3 while mine is the Xbox 360. They are each good in their own ways, just different priorites for different people.

Freedom to choose is what defines capitalism and by impinging my right to choose, my other behaved was being quite the communist.

Life Goals

2006-12-11T12:25:00.000-05:00

1. I am debating on whether I should start telling people that my life goal is to be eventually recognized as a Messiah for at least 1 million people. I can't decide whether the amusement of saying it will outweigh the acrimony associated with making such a statement. Any thoughts?

2. Related to this first thought, I would like to create some sort of story, sentence, sketch, or situation that displays an infinite iterative irony where the levels of irony only expand as one delves deeper into the irony. An ambitious goal but one I hope to acheive before I pass. Perhaps then the cynics of the world will see me as their father, son, and ironic ghost and thus allowing me to achieve my first goal.

Marx was Merely Sleep-Deprived

2006-12-11T12:10:00.000-05:00

Every moring when I am awakened by the beeping of my cellular phone, I think to myself there has to be something better.

Something better than the daily chore of going to work, doing whatever taks assigned to me, and heading back home for a couple of relaxation before heading to bed again. Is capitalism really the best way to divide resources? Can't I commit myself to a life of leisure while others work? Am I really doomed to the 9 to 5 existence? Is this all there is?

On the weekends, when I can get my full 8-10 hours of sleep, these questions never pop into my head. Therefore, I conclude that all bitching about the system stems from a lack of sleep. If the system desires to perpetuate itself, it should ensure that its citizens get more sleep. Therefore, I implore Congress to institute a 5 hour working day.

And seriously, a good 5 hours of work is all anybody really can possibly do in a day. I defy anyone to tell me that they really get more out of working 8 hours with a lunch break, and bitching to coworkers about their problems than with a solid 5 hours of work.

Cliched but Nonsensical

2006-12-11T09:10:00.000-05:00

I once read somewhere, I think it was Pitchfork, that the lyrics written by Coldplay's Chris Martin pull off the dreaded combination of being both hackneyed and cliched while not making any sense at the same time. This is quite a feat.

With the rise of Coldplay's popularity, however, more artists are trending towards this lyrical aesthetic. Example Mat Kearney's, Nothing Left to Lose:

Something's in the air tonight
The sky's alive with a burning light
You can mark my words something's about to break

And I found myself in a bitter fight
While I've held your hand through the darkest night
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon

[bridge]
To a kid from Oregon by way of California
All of this is more than I've ever known or seen

[chorus]
Come on and we'll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we'll try, one last time
I'm off the floor one more time to find you
And here we go there's nothing left to choose
And here we go there's nothing left to lose

So I packed my car and I headed east
Where I felt your fire and a sweet release
There's a fire in these hills that's coming down
And I don't know much but I found you here
And I can not wait another year
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon

[bridge]

[chorus]

I can still hear the trains out my window
From Hobart Street to here in Nashville
I can still smell the pomegranates grow
And I don't know how hard this wind will blow
Or where we'll go

[chorus]

I have no idea what this song is talking about. Absolutely no idea. It's got some great cliches though. I count about 25 different ones. And the melody is melancholy and significant sounding. It's a hit!

Insanity

2006-12-07T16:54:00.000-05:00

I sit next to the fax machine at work. For the past hour a coworker has been trying to fax something. She dials the number and walks away. 30 seconds, I hear, "Do-Dooo-Dooooo I'm sorry the number you have called cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number including the area code and try to again." Each time she walks back to the fax machine, says something to the extent of "That's weird," and tries to fax again. She has tried at least ten times. I am pretty sure she has continually called the same number.

Ooop here she goes again. Unbelievable. Urge to kill rising. Rising.

Trite Theology

2006-12-07T12:31:00.000-05:00

There is an interesting discussion on a Newsweek discussion board:

Millions of people are in mixed faith marriages or are unsure about their conception of God. How would you advise them to describe God to their children over the holiday season?

Well, for me I have my own advice. I think the following will work will any child who is curious about God. (And else anyone who may be having their own doubts about The Big Man)

"Well, you know, I just, well...God is what we thought He was. He's what we thought He was. He created us on the sixth day of creation. Who the hell takes the 6th day of creation like it's bullshit? Bullshit! He created us the sixth day, he rested on the seventh. God is who we thought He was! That's why we took the the damn planet. Now, if you want to deny Him, then deny His ass. But He is who we thought He was. And we wrote it in a book!"

Combining Two of My Favorite Things

2006-12-06T12:47:00.000-05:00

Baby Names

2006-12-06T12:27:00.000-05:00

Two women in my office are pregnant and both just found out that they are having boys. The names they have decided on are "Jayden" and "Preston." Such crappy names. Whatever happened to the great names of yesteryear? My top 10 boys' names that I will name one of children if they happen to be male (and they better be).

10.Alfred
9. Howard
8. George
7. Edwin
6. Hubert
5. Melvin
4. Bruce
3. Bartholomew
2. Jerry
1. Homer

Why Do I Even Try?

2006-12-05T15:15:00.000-05:00

Today we had to decorate our office door for a division wide contest that will be held tommorrow. Someone brought in a lot of chips that were as a bg as a Altoid that had the letters of the alphabet written on them. Since our branch is commonly referred as "D-4" I gathered as many of the letter D chips as I could and arranged them in the shape of the number 4 and put it on the door.

Nobody got it. One response was "Why is that 4 made of out D's?"

*stunned look of disbelief at the question*

I explained and she still didn't get it. Why do I even try?

A Familiar Sound

2006-12-05T10:06:00.000-05:00

Last night, my girlfriend was preparing some chicken in a frying pan. She put some oil in and then the chicken. She then proceeded to shake the frying pan in order to get the oil on the chicken and it made a noise that sounded familiar. Sounded really familiar. Sounded like this:

Quick Hitter

2006-12-04T15:26:00.000-05:00

Today has been absolutely nuts at work so here are a few quick thoughts:

BcS- Florida got selected to play Ohio State in the National Championship game over Michigan. Santa, I'll I want for Christmas is a playoff system for Division I college football. All the other divisions do it. Seriously, just make it happen. I've been good this year. I swear.

Infrared Cell Phones-I was walking to the Metro on Saturday night, when a sleeping homeless man woke up when I walked by him. I was holding my cell phone composing a text message, when he asked if I was scanning his feet with infrared light from my phone. I assured him that I wasn't and he went back to sleep. Little does he know that I actually was. Hehehehe.

Casino Royale- I saw the movie. It was a half-hour too long. All the critics seem to concede this point as well. however, they still give it a good review. I'm sorry but when a quarter of the movie is just plain boring, it doesn't merit a positive review. Period.

Wetting their pants- Someone I know wet their pants yesterday. Not from fear or old age or drunkenness, just because they couldn't hold it in anymore. I still can't stop laughing about. It reminds me of an old promo for some Fox show that is not around anymore. I think it was called "Brothers" or something like that. Anyways, someone asks a guy "Boxers or Briefs?" He replies, "Depends." After looking at the stunned faces of the people around him, he clarifies by frantically adding, "Depends on the day!" So funny. Ahhhhh, incontinence never ceases to amuse.

Great Moments in Nepali History: Episode XIV

2006-12-01T10:12:00.000-05:00

A Gay Old Time

The Nepali had the hankering to see a movie so he called his half-Asian friend. After much deliberation, they agreed to see In Good Company, mostly because of a desire to see the well-proportioned figure of one Ms. Scarlett Johannson.

There was one problem, however. The movie had been out for a month or so and wasn't playing in any major theatres close by. The Nepali's half-Asian friend said that he knew of a cinema that was showing the movie. The Nepali was a bit skeptical of the half-Asian, as he was skeptical of all Asians that weren't Nepali, but agreed to go to the see the movie, mostly because of the previosuly stated desire.

Once they arrived in the lavishly decorated theatre, the Nepali's keenly honed "Nepali Sense" began to suspect that something was amiss. He looked around the theatre, with its red velvet chairs, and saw rows and rows of men sitting next to men and women sitting next to women. And they were holding hands, and touching each other, and acting like they had been arranged to be married.

Suddenly, it struck the Nepali like a overheated momo that had been too hastily shoved into a mouth: This theatre was filled with homosexuals. Now, the Nepali had no problems with homosexuality, but questions still raced through his brain. Why had his friend brought him here? Is he trying to tell me something? Is he trying to take our friendship to the next level? Why don't they sell Heineken at the concession stand? What if he makes a move on me? How will I let him down gently?

The movie started and the Nepali tried to keep one eye on the screen and one eye on his friend, in case any such move was attempted. Despite his intention to remain vigilant, The Nepali was soon too distracted by a the Himalayan-like "peaks" that kept appearing on the screen to pay any mind to the man sitting next to him.

Fortunately, the movie ended and no pass was made at him. The two friends parted ways after sharing a laugh about the demographic make-up of the theatre audience. The Nepali was glad that his friend has not tried anything but he still vowed to never let his guard down in future encounters with the half-Asian.

Moral of the story: Those that reside in houses made of glass shouldn't cast the first stone.

Great Moments in Nepali History: Episode XIII

2006-12-01T08:36:00.000-05:00

Doctors Without Borders

The Thursday night started out like any other for the Nepali and his roommate. The Nepali was engaged in a galaxy far, far away slowly building up his powers in an attempt to establish a galactic empire. The roommate was busy drinking Bud Light and generally failing in his attempts to be "funny."

Suddenly there was a crash. And then a high-pitched yelp of pain. The Nepali shifted in his chair to see his roommate grasping his bleeding right thumb with a panic stricken look on his face. Next to the roommate were an unopened, plastic sealed bottle of Brazilian rum and a Swiss Army knife that had blood on the blade.

Leaping into action, the Nepali told his stunned roommate to put a towel over his thumb. The Nepali then led the near-hysterical roommate out of the dorm room and together they trekked across campus to the University hospital.

Once they arrived at the hospital, the Nepali immediately demanded that the roommate see the finest doctor availiable. Since it was 2 am in the morning, the best doctor was a second-year intern. The Nepali carefully monitored what the doctor was doing, making sure that the wound was cleaned thoroughly, the novacaine injected generously, and the stitches sewed neatly.

Thanks to the heroic efforts Nepali, the thumb was saved. Although his imperial desires had to be put on hold for the night, the Nepali did not hold a grudge for that would not be the noble thing to do.

Moral of the story: American college students are very, very dumb.

Apology

2006-11-30T16:15:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of content today, but Gsus and I are currently working on a big project that will be revealed within the next week. It is a project that will *hopefully* help protect the future for our children. I can't say anymore right now.

In addition, I have been deluged with work. But there will be a Great Moment in Nepali History tommorrow. This I vow.

One Word Movie Reviews

2006-11-29T14:06:00.000-05:00

The Long Good Friday: Worthwhile.

Bottle Rocket: Representative.

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex: Uproarious.

Jackie Brown: Well-executed.

Joe Biden/ Chuck Hagel '08

2006-11-29T10:05:00.000-05:00

Now that the 2006 midterms are over, it is time to focus on the next race, mainly the race for President in 2008. With the news that Republican Chuck Hagel is considering running, I am officially announcing my support for a bipartisian Joe Biden (D-DE)/Chuck Hagel (R-NE) Presidential ticket. Joe Biden has more experience than Chuck so he would run as the President, but in reality, they would be like "Co-Presidents."

While the idea of two of the more moderate candidates running for office may not excite the bases of either party, I think the American people would welcome their reasoned tones as a refreshing change to the current discourse that dominates the political landscape. Their experience and integrity would serve America well both domestically and abroad. Biden/Hagel: Making America Great in 2008. (Don't forget to get a a T-shirt.)

Ned Lamont's Concession Speech

2006-11-29T09:05:00.000-05:00

There is a video floating around of Ned Lamont's private concession speech to his staff after he lost to Joe Lieberman in the general election for US Senator in Connecticut. Lamont had previously suprised Lieberman by winning the Democratic primary election but Lieberman was still able to win the general election by running as an Independent. The video has been yanked off Youtube but I saw it and it is something else. It looked like Ned was just speaking to his staff, when he suddenly exploded into a fit of anger. I managed to jot down what he said before the video was pulled. The following may shock some people so be warned:

Joe Lieberman is what we thought he was. He's what we thought he was. We ran agianst him in the primary season. Who the hell takes the primary like it's bullshit? Bullshit! We ran agianst him in the primary, everybody ran for 3 months. Joe Lieberman is who we thought he was! That's why we ran in the damn race. Now, (hits podium microphone with hand) if you want to elect him, then elect his ass. But he is who we thought he was. And we let him off the hook!

Boy, I always knew Lamont was part of the loony left, but I never expected a tirade like this.

Top 10 TV Catchphrases

2006-11-28T15:48:00.000-05:00

This is my list of my top 10 TV catchphrases. This is of course limited to TV that I have seen so keep my age in mind.

10. "Serenity Now!" George, Kramer, Frank (Seinfeld)
9. "Ha, ha" Nelson Muntz (The Simpsons)
8. "Did I do that?" Steve Urkel (Family Matters)
7. "Excellent." Charles Montogomery Burns (The Simpsons)
6. "Whateva, I do what I want" -Eric Cartman (South Park)

5. "Mmm-hmm. Yup." Hank Hill (King of the Hill)
4. "Niles!" Frasier Crane (Frasier)
3. "Where's the bomb? WHERE'S IS THE BOMB!" Jack Bauer (24)
2. "Screw you guys. I'm going home." Eric Cartman (South Park)
1. "Woo Hoo!" Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

Working Hard or Hardly Working?

2006-11-28T12:22:00.000-05:00

Well, this week is the one week a month that I actually have work to do so posting may be sporadic. I apologize for this in advance. Plus I have made myself quite ill from Tootsie Roll Pops. (Q: How many licks does it take to get the center of a Tootsie roll pop? A: None, if you bite)

Some points of interest:
Who is Potato Pete. and why is he taking credit for writing my blog? Potato Pete reveal yourself. I command thee. My email is in my profile.

Secondly, this list of the top 100 TV catchphrases is a tragedy. Only one phrase from the Simpsons?!?! ? The Simpsons should occupy at least 10 spots on the list. "Read my lips: No new taxes" made it?!?!?!?! C'mon. And where is the South Park? "Screw you guys, I'm going home" needs to be there.

Like the National Archives, Only More Important

2006-11-27T16:31:00.000-05:00

I am proud to introduce The Great Moments in Nepali History Archive. From this page you will be able to relive all of the greatest moments in Nepal's rich and storied history. It will be permanently placed on the links sidebar. I tend to treat them like Psalms. An episode or two every day will get you headed in the right direction while teaching valuble life lessons.

Van Damne's Finest Hours: Part 1

2006-11-27T15:07:00.000-05:00

This is Jean Claude Van Damne in one of his greater moments, screamin' and dancing like a maniac in the 80's movie Breakin'. Van Damne also recently lied about being featured in Rush Hour 3, having said that he was to play the villian, only to later admit that he was totally lying and is in no way involved in the project. If I were Belgium, which, unfortunately I am not, I would give him some sort of greatest living actor/citizen award.

Dennis Green Revisited

2006-11-27T13:24:00.000-05:00

Like a fine wine, the above rant, which occurred after the Cardinals blew a 23-3 third quarter lead to the Chicago Bears to lose 24-23, has only gotten better with age. I have written it out in the form of a poem, as I believe that is what it truly is, a beautiful piece of poetry.

The Bears are what we thought they were.
They’re what we thought they were.

We played them in preseason.
Who the hell takes the third game of the preseason like it’s bullshit?
Bullshit!
We played them the third game;
Everybody played three quarters.
The Bears are who we thought they were!
And that’s why we took the damn field!

Now, if you want to crown ‘em,
Then crown their ass.
But they are who we thought they were!
And we let ‘em off the hook.

Some interesting observations can be made. Notice how after some verbal fumbling in the beginning, inspiration suddenly hits him. He doesn't garble his words once he gets started. Every word counts and there are no wasted lines. These are the hallmarks of true master poet. This is an inspired rant not unlike another inspired Book written out in verses.

Some may quibble with the additional line for the second "bullshit" but I believe this is the proper interpretation. He asks a rhetorical question and then answers it. To paraphrase "The Bears that the preseason doesn't matter. That's a load of crap."

Also, notice how he changes from the "Bears are WHAT we thought they were" to the "Bears are WHO we thought they were." Notice the rising anger and frustration in his voice when he changes to "Who." This is significant because it shows that Dennis Green not only knew what the Bears were as an team but knew who the Bears were to a man. Each member of the team is who he thought they were and yet the Cardinals lost.
They took the "damn field" because they knew exactly who each Bear was and how to perform best against each Bear. And yet they still "let 'em off the hook."

The Most Blunderful Time of The Year

2006-11-27T12:18:00.000-05:00

I hate the Holiday season. Hollywood and the retail industry would have you believe that it is a time of magic and familial love and good-hearted consumerism. It is a time of family melodrama, crowded shopping malls, and an unhealthy desire to satiate other people with overpriced consumer products. A Christmas miracle is if a family get-together can be had without any hurt feelings. A magical holiday moment is finding a Playstation 3 on ebay for less than $1,000 dollars. It also is the coldest time of the year where going anywhere is an absolute pain the ass. Where the airport is crowded with people who are unfamiliar with how an airport operates. ("This electronic check-in device is confusing. Maybe if I make a big fuss and hold up the line, things will move faster.") Where planes and trains are packed full with sneezing, coughing adults not to mention a crying baby or ten.

People may say that I am being all "Bah, humbug!" about the holidays and that I am missing the true nature of family togetherness and all those "life lessons" that occur in Christmas movies when the family is only brought closer together after bungling the entire process. In reality, those lessons are never learned. Next year only manages to bring more drama and nobody ever enters the New Year wishing that they spent more time with their family. Why do you think there is so much drinking on New Year's eve? It's to erase the memories of the stressful past month.

(I will say this, however. To anybody that complains that uisng Santa Claus in ads is "commercializing Christmas" too much, please remember that Santa is inherently a commercial creation. Just be grateful you don't get commercials with Jesus imploring you to buy a Lexus to honor his birthday.)

(Disclaimer for my family: My Christmas's have been mostly pleasant. I am trying to speak for the masses here and am not basing my feelings on any particulary unpleasant memories of the holidays. And yes, I still want that Xbox 360. And not the "core edition." Spend the extra 100 dollars for the hard drive, OK? Thanks.

Peace in Nepal

2006-11-22T11:35:00.000-05:00

It's finally happened. After 10 years of conflict, there is finally a peace deal. between the Maoists and the Government of the Kingdom of Nepal, the world's only Hindu country. The country may be getting a new name soon judging by the sentiment's of the people:

''The government has declared it a national day of celebration,'' said Tourism Minister Pradeep Gyawali, a member of the government negotiating team.

In the capital of Katmandu, thousands gathered in the heart of the city, waving banners and chanting slogans in celebration.

''Victory is ours! Long live people's democracy and peaceful Nepal!'' chanted the participants.

In the southern city of Bharatpur, hundreds gathered and chanted, ''Let there be permanent peace! No more autocracy! No more dictatorship!''

Potential new names for Nepal:
The People's Democracy and Peaceful Nepal
The Momo Republic of Nepal
The Democratic Republic Kingdom of Nepal
The Mountainous Republic of Nepal
The Piss Poor Land of Nepal
The Magic Kingdom of Nepal

It Would Be Funny If It Wasn't So Sad

2006-11-22T09:23:00.000-05:00

The world of political music has tradtionally belonged to those aritists with leanings that are left of center on the politcal spectrum. Since 9/11, however, country artists have produced some pretty right of center music that has entered the mainstream. Toby "We'll put a boot in your ass, It's the American Way" Keith comes to mind. There is one band, though, that stands out from the rest. The Right Brothers. From their *seminal* work,"Bush Was Right," to my personal favorite, "The Illegals," this band rocks the conservative platform like no other. If there is one song that stands of from the rest, it is "Somewhere in Baghdad":

She looks up at the stars with wonder tonight
So thankful at last that they're free
A child in each arm, she holds them tight
And dreams about the future she thought they'd never see

Chorus
Somewhere in Baghdad
Her tears are falling but she isn't sad
'Cause her children will live a life that she never had
Somewhere in Baghdad

She can't believe the changes that she's seen
She's got a new job, a TV and a kitchen full of food
She'll be making lunches while the kids both sleep
'Cause tomorrow's the first day at their new school

Repeat Chorus

And her husband's been missing since 2001
Cause he spoke out against something Saddam Hussein had done
It's just been her and the kids barely getting by
Just when she thought all hope was gone help arrived

The only future Baghdad has in one ripped apart by sectarian violence. The only tears that will be shed are those of grief and horror. Imagining Baghdad as some sort of Americana scene is the Neoconservative wet dream that has driven our foreign policy for the past few years. I am sure this is the song Laura sings to George as a lullaby to help him sleep. To quote the great Nepali, the Right Brothers and the enitre administration that caused this mess "are being NAIVE!"

Today In Race Relations

2006-11-21T15:17:00.000-05:00

-The White Scholarship: The Boston University College Republicans are offering a schlorship that is only availiable to people that are at least 1/4 Caucasian. I don't think there is any group of people on the planet that I hate more than College Republicans. It am reminded of that famous saying:

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains."

In other (less eloquent) words, College Republicans are major assholes.

-Michael Richards:His bizarre outburst in which he berated two heckling audience members with the "N"-word. No wonder "The Michael Richards Show" failed. Just look at the cast:

-OJ Simpson's "If I Did It...": Well, they cancelled OJ's book and TV special where he was going to "confess" to the double murder of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown. So disappointing. I have always been enamored with the whole OJ saga. Back when it happened, I used to go around the playground as a 5th grader chanting, "Lance. Lance. Lance, Lance. ITO!" and "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit." Last year, I even collaborated on a song that was performed only once about the Juice. The chorus was

Oh, OJ!
What have you done?
She and Ron were just having some fun.
Oh OJ!
Why did you do it?
This time your ass fuckin' blew it.

It was an epic song that ended up saying that the prosecution had tried to "crucify America's only son." Needless to say, the message of the song could best be described as "confused."

Inflated Sense of Accomplishment

2006-11-21T14:23:00.000-05:00

"Cooking for Your Man" is blowing up big time. It is now on leading sportsblog Deadspin.com. Just remember where you heard about it first. This leads me to introduce a new motto to the site:

When bad quarterbacks' wives write cookbooks with socially regressive titles, you'll see it first at Almost Clever.

I really shouldn't be this pleased with myself, but I am.

Updated: Here is the Deadspin post:

It's important to remember your duties as the wife of an NFL quarterback. You're required to show up at charity functions, look the other way on those road trips, make sure your eye makeup is spackled on and, of course, making sure your fumbling, erratic husband is properly fed. Eventually, they'll even let you write a book about it, even if your husband happens to be Tony Banks.

"Because the recipes in Cooking for Your Man have passed the rigorous "Tony test," readers can be sure every course, from appetizers and salads to soups and stews, hearty entrees to luscious desserts, will be cheered by even the most finicky husband, boyfriend, dad, or brother. Illustrated with color photographs of a selection of the mouthwatering dishes as well as charming family photos, Cooking for Your Man sacks fussy, time-consuming food and turns any home cook into an MVP."

Best part? The lead blurb on the book is by none other than Drew Bledsoe's wife. ("My quiche is wonderfully disorienting!") Other testimonials were expected from the wife of Heath Shuler, from the wife of Ryan Leaf and from Kordell Stewart.

Ahhhhh...so much better written than my post. Oh well he gets paid to do that.

Chipotle

2006-11-21T11:43:00.000-05:00

This ad is genius:

And yes I did start the Chipotle Lovers Facebook Group but I am in no way affliated with the company. I simply enjoy their massive burritos with their delicious savory meat and succulent guacomole. It's so good, I fear that it's like another delicious food that wasn't as it seemed.

(thanks to Bryon "I Like My Meat Medium Rare" Fong for the video)

The Perfect Holiday Gift

2006-11-21T10:34:00.000-05:00

Who remembers Tony Banks? You know the former NFL quarteback who played for the Rams, Redskins, and Ravens? He fumbled a lot? Nothing. Ok, well his wife has written a cookbook, Coooking for your Man, that is the perfect gift for the lady in your life:

From helping out in the kitchen as a flour-smudged little girl to delighting her pro quarterback husband with a tasty repertoire of lovingly prepared dishes, Yolanda Banks has spent a lifetime perfecting the art of the home-cooked meal. In Cooking for Your Man, she shares a collection of wide-ranging recipes that any woman can dip into to spoil her husband, family, and friends on special occasions or as everyday treats.

This book will help any woman succeed in her proper sphere, the kitchen. And look at these glowing recommendations:

“After looking through the entire cookbook, I didn't find one recipe that I can't wait to try. Not only will my man enjoy this book, but my entire family will!”
—Maura Bledsoe, wife of Drew Bledsoe, quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys

Wow! Run, don't walk, to the nearest retailer to get this book. You'll find it next to Doing Laundry for Your Man and Raising the Children for Your Man.

Searching for Love in All the Wrong Places

2006-11-21T09:08:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a special visitor:

11/20/06 19:07:33 - http://almostclever.blogspot.com/2006/11/great-moments-in-nepali-history_20.html
Referrer: nepali women (Google)

This person, presumably a Nepali, found my blog by googling "Nepali Women" in the Google Blogsearch.

That is funny in and of itself but the more hilarious part is that this searcher goes to Towson University in nearby Baltimore. The other Nepali, about whom Great Moments in Nepali History are about, had many friends up in Baltimore who went Towson. He stayed in Baltimore for an entire summer. Perhaps these two Nepalis know each other. I wonder if this searcher figured it out. Unfortunately, I'm guessing that from the 2 seconds the searcher spent on this site, he wasn't able to make the connection and quickly moved on in his search for pictures of Nepali women cooking momos to satisfy their men.

One Word Movie Reviews

2006-11-20T17:30:00.000-05:00

These are reviews for movies I have seen recently:

All the President's Men: Relevant.

The Prestige: Tricky.

Casino Royale:Meh.

Borat:GENIUS!

Barry Lyndon:Sublime.

Serpico: Overdone.

The Departed:Wicked.

Easy Rider: Trippy.

Feel free to add your own.

Great Moments in Nepali History: Episode XII

2006-11-20T14:12:00.000-05:00

Speaking Truth to Power

The Nepali sipped on his Jack Daniel's whiskey and leaned back on the couch. Although the glass he was drinking from was meant for a child and covered in circus animals, the alcohol in the glass had given him the courage to speak the words only a grown man could muster.

He had been in her apartment, watching her talk down to her boyfriend, the Nepali's roommate, for a few hours now and he knew that someone must stand up to her. The Nepali's roommate, like a beaten dog, took the abuse and could only muster a muted whimper in response. The Nepali had to take action on behalf of his friend, because it is the only honorable act for a friend to take. Since the Nepali knew the consequences of his actions would be harsh, it had taken a few glasses of liquid courage in order to get to the point where he could say what needed to be said.

Making sure that all could hear, the Nepali leaned forward and loudly pronounced, "I don't know much for I am but a mere, humble third-worlder, but I do know one thing for sure: Women belong in the kitchen!"

WHACK!

The blows came faster and harder than the Nepali expected. Even though the alcohol dulled his pain receptors, the Nepali felt he was being bruised quite badly. He steadfastly stood by his words though, and eventually the torrential downpour and punches subsided. Although he had been battered, the Nepali knew that he had acheived a great victory and earned the next sip of that delicious Tennessee flavor.

Moral of the Story: Women belong in the kitchen.

Very Petty Post

2006-11-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

Every morning, before work, I like to have a banana. It settles my stomach and provides me with the energy needed to get my day going right. Since this week is a 3 day work week, I bought exactly 3 bananas for the week. (More than a banana in a day can lead to complications when you are on "the porcelian throne")

Much to my chagrin, my significant *other* ate one of my bananas this morning. This leaves me short one banana. And she knows that I need my bananas. I leave this message for her (even though she doesn't read this blog):

I will not forget this injustice. I may act like I have and pretend not to care, but I will have my revenge and it will be spectacular. So sleep with one eye open my friend, for I will be lying in wait...right next to you.

On College Towns

2006-11-20T11:15:00.000-05:00

I was fortunate enough to get to journey to gorgeous Ann Arbor, Michigan a week ago. It was a fantastic time from what I can recall. (Word to the wise: Beer bongs should only be used sparingly and with great caution.) Thanks to all parties involved.

What I came away with most from the trip is how awesome a great college town can be. Going to school at Georgetown, I was not treated to the exprerience of a college town. The campus is right in the ritziest part of the city and most of the students are either in on-campus apartments or dorms. There is no sense of the University's presence once you leave the main gates.

Ann Arbor, however, is a completely different story. Most of the city of 115,000 revolves around the University of Michigan. There are 40,000 students who are enrolled in the school. The students are spread out throughout the entire area of the city. If you walk by a home in Ann Arbor, most likely it is occupied by students. Almost every shop in town has some sort of Wolverine connection and there is nothing more exciting than a football Saturday where the game is the only thing that could possibly matter. It is quite the different experience than one of an enclosed campus surrounded by people of extreme wealth. If I ever go back to school, I would most definitely prefer to go to a college town rather than a shopping district that also has a college nearby.

And the Beat Goes On...

2006-11-20T08:53:00.000-05:00

The two people with cubicles adjacent to me are Corey and Adrian. Corey is a 34 year-old African-American male. Adrian is a 29 year-old African-American male as well. They have been friends since they were teenagers. Corey has made the bold claim that Jay-Z is the best MC to have ever walked the face of the earth. Over the past few weeks Corey and Adrian have been sharing their excitement over the new Jay-Z album on an almost daily basis.
An example:
A: Yo, Corey. Come check out track number 2. (Turns up sound on Speakers. Generic rap beat is heard)
C: MMMMmmm. Damn that's a good beat. (Jay-Z starts to rap.)
C: Ooohh...He's hitting that beat hard. MMMMMMm!
A: Did he just say, "I don't respect the person that got shot. I respect the shooter?" That's straight gangster.
C:I'm telling you man. Best MC ever. I'm gonna need new speakers in my car in order to listen to this properly.
A: Me too. I already done blew mine out listening to this.
C:Mmmmmm! Best ever, man. Best ever.

This type of exchange is not limited to one cultural group however. This is a conversation I had recently.

Me: Hey man. Check out Weird Al's new joint.
T: Whoa, sick slide whistle sound. He's pounding on the accordion hard.
Me: Did he just rhyme "fart" with "Mario Kart"? That's pure genius right there.
T: Crazy good. Weird Al is the best song parodier ever.
Me: Agreed.

This shows once again that for all the differences that may appear to be present, once one looks beneath the surface, the differences cease to exist.

Hiatus

2006-11-15T08:27:00.000-05:00

Because I am feeling under the weather and can't think as cleverly as I should, I am taking a break from blogging. I will return on Monday, November 20 for a blogging spectacular with a new Great Moments in Nepali History. Thank you for your understanding. Gsus might post though so make sure to check back frequently and tell your friends.

Its Genius!

2006-11-13T12:55:00.000-05:00

I was going through the motions while doing some math work today, and I realised that I needed a straight edge in order to graph one of the problems and complete the assignment. I asked around the lunch table to see if anyone had a straight edge, and although all of them probably did, none were offered up for my use. I then turned to my own bag and reached into the pile of loose papers and notebooks that it has become. I came up triumphant with a cd case, and began to draw the graph. As I was drawing, I noticed that the cd I was using as a strait edge was in fact the Minor Threat Discography. I explained the hilarity of this situation to my colleagues, and they chuckled, but found nowhere near as much amusement in the situation as I did.

And now, a poem:

Epigram for Wall Street
by Edgar Allan Poe

I'll tell you a plan for gaining wealth,
Better than banking, trade or leases —
Take a bank note and fold it up,
And then you will find your money in creases!
This wonderful plan, without danger or loss,
Keeps your cash in your hands, where nothing can trouble it;
And every time that you fold it across,
'Tis as plain as the light of the day that you double it!

Quantification

2006-11-12T15:09:00.000-05:00

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

Is this Irony?

2006-11-09T17:09:00.000-05:00

I was doing what I do when I'm bored. Searching the Online Etymology dictionary for anything that might be funny.
Check out the etymology for the word nuts:

"crazy," 1846, from earlier be nutts upon "be very fond of" (1785), which is possibly from nuts (n., pl.) "any source of pleasure" (1617), from nut (q.v.). Sense influenced probably by metaphoric application of nut to "head" (1846, e.g. to be off one's nut "be insane," 1860). Nut "crazy person, crank" is attested from 1903, (British form nutter first attested 1958). Connection with the slang "testicle" sense has tended to nudge it toward taboo. "On the N.B.C. network, it is forbidden to call any character a nut; you have to call him a screwball." ["New Yorker," Dec. 23, 1950] "Please eliminate the expression 'nuts to you' from Egbert's speech." [Request from the Hays Office regarding the script of "The Bank Dick," 1940] This desire for avoidance accounts for the euphemism nerts (c.1925). Nutty "crazy" is first attested 1898.

They demanded the removel of the word "nuts" from a script titled "The Bank Dick" because nuts is slang for tesiticles. The irony, of course being, that "dick" is slng for penis. It's unimaginable to have one without the other.

Irony? Or just plain stupid?

Tihar update

2006-11-09T13:12:00.000-05:00

Well I have recieved more information on the Nepali festival of Tihar. This from a loyal reader:

"Bhai puja" is where sisters have to puja their brothers. Of course, they get compensation for this (each sis got i think 300 bucks from me while all I got was prayers and bananas).

(Puja means worship. Get your minds out of the gutter!)

Bananas are nothing to be scoffed at. They are literally worth their weight in gold. Or rupees. Or dollars.

A Tragic Figure

2006-11-09T10:24:00.000-05:00

Now that the Senate election in Virginia has been called for Jim Webb, it is time to look back on the most tragic figure from this past election, George Allen.

George Allen just lost a Democrat who has only been a Democrat for 3 years, served in Reagan's administration, never has run for office, is a terrible campaigner (as evidenced by his victory proclamation), and as of 3 months ago, nobody knew who he was.

George Allen went from 2008 Presidential Candidate to out-of-work politician in the span of 3 months, all by his own hand. From the Macaca moment, to his recently discovered Jewish Heritage, to tackling people, Allen royally screwed up.

Perhaps the thing that sealed the deal, however, were Allen's own ads that attacked Jim Webb for Webb's novels about war. Allen criticized some of Webb's sexually explicit passages that were in the books that were based on events that Webb had personally seen. These ads were insulting to people's intelligence and ticked off more than a few veterans. If Allen had just shut up for the whole campaign, he probably would have still won. Instead he falls, mostly by his own hand. A tragedy that is very Sophoclean in nature indeed.

Santorumfreude

2006-11-09T09:18:00.000-05:00

BREAKING NEWS!

2006-11-07T16:57:00.000-05:00

Click on the image for a stark reminder that half the country doesn't vote. And there was a similar thing on cnn.com too so I don't mean to pick on only Fox.

The Chattering Class

2006-11-07T10:20:00.000-05:00

I am getting tired of this argument:

Competence, of course, brings us back to Iraq. Apparently and unfortunately, President Bush is right that the Democrats have no "plan for victory." (Neither does he, of course. Nor, for that matter, do I. But I don't claim to have one. And I didn't start it.) For national security in general, the Democrats' plan is so according-to-type that you cringe with embarrassment: It's mostly about new cash benefits for veterans. Regarding Iraq specifically, the Democrats' plan has two parts. First, they want Iraqis to take on "primary responsibility for securing and governing their country." Then they want "responsible redeployment" (great euphemism) of American forces.

Older readers may recognize this formula. It's Vietnamization -- the Nixon-Kissinger plan for extracting us from a previous mistake. But Vietnamization was not a plan for victory. It was a plan for what was called "peace with honor" and is now known as "defeat."

Everybody wants Democrats to come up with a plan for Iraq when the Republicans don't have one either. Oh wait the Democrats do have a plan, Senator Joe Biden take it away:

There is a third way. The idea is to maintain a unified Iraq by decentralizing it and giving Kurds, Shiites and Sunnis their own regions. The central government would be responsible for common interests, like border security and the distribution of oil revenues. The plan would bind the Sunnis by guaranteeing them a proportionate share of oil revenues. It would increase economic aid but tie it to the protection of minority and women's rights and the creation of a jobs program. It would require a regional non-aggression pact, overseen by the U.N. Security Council. And it would allow us to responsibly withdraw most U.S. forces from Iraq by the end of 2007.

There is no silver bullet for "victory" in Iraq. In fact, victory may well be impossible to acheive. Get used to it. The Biden plan certainly seems reasonable enough for me. Vietnam was a tragic folly and so is Iraq. The sooner that is accepted, the sooner it can be fixed. Isn't not learning the lessons of history fun?

Stomach pains

2006-11-07T10:13:00.000-05:00

Last night I ate what could best be described as "Mexican slurry." It was ground beef, sour cream, beans, and some other stuff topped with a heaping amount of cilantro and lime juice. Today my stomach is in armed open rebellion against me. Ughhhh....so painful. Never again.

Election Day

2006-11-07T09:01:00.000-05:00

Everybody go VOTE! Or as Mayor Daley used to say, "Vote early and vote often."

"Boldly go and beat the Buckeyes."

2006-11-06T16:46:00.000-05:00

Once again two of my favorite things combined to form a whole greater than the sum of its parts.

Tihar

2006-11-06T13:57:00.000-05:00

Move over Chanukkah! There is a better festival of lights! The Nepali festival Tihar:

Tihar, the festival of lights is one of the most dazzling of all Hindu festivals. In this festival we worship Goddess Laxmi, the Goddess of wealth. During the festival all the houses in the city and villages are decorated with lit oil lamps. Thus during the night the entire village or city looks like a sparkling diamond. This festival is celebrated in five days starting from the thirteenth day of the waning moon in October. We also refer to tihar as 'Panchak Yama' which literally means 'the five days of the underworld lord'. We also worship 'yamaraj' in different forms in these five days. In other words this festival is meant for life and prosperity.

Goddess of wealth? Being Nepal(one of the poorest countries in the world) she must not be a very good goddess. Certainly not very generous. Also "Underworld Lord" must be a bad translation. I don't think that they worship of the movie Underworld.

(As an aside, this is how Underworld is described:

Underworld reimagines Vampires as a secretive clan of modern, aristocratic sophisticates whose mortal enemies are the Lycans (werewolves), a shrewd gang of street thugs who prowl the city's underbelly. The balance of power is upset when a beautiful young Vampire and a newly made Lycan (Vampires and Lycans being deadly rivals for centuries) fall in love.

It's Dracula meets Romeo and Juliet meets West Side Story meets Dracula 2000. So awesome.)

Back to Tihar. The following passage enlightened me as to the true nature of a certain Nepali friend of mine:

If you belong to the Newar community, you perform 'Mha puja' which literally means worshipping yourself. The newar community people are worshipping life by doing puja on themselves. On this very day the newar New Year also starts. Nepal has many minor community calendars and newar calendar is one of them but the nation follows the Bikram Sambat calendar.

It all makes so much sense now. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need go to puja myself.

Great Moments in Nepali History: Episode XI

2006-11-06T11:18:00.000-05:00

What's in your wallet?

It was a typical night of merriment and revelry at the local wateringhole for the Nepali and his two friends. They had drank many pitchers of beer and the night was winding down.

In a move not atypical for him, one of the Nepali's drinking partners had gotten a bit too drunk and was getting impatient with waiting for the tab. In a an act of frustration and inebriation, he flung his credit card on the table and instructed the Nepali to sign for it when the bill came. Being a good freind, the Nepali agreed to the request.

After paying the bill with his freind's credit card, the Nepali knew that he needed a nightcap of nicotine in order to properly finish off the night. He also knew that he must teach his friend a lesson about giving out his credit card to people. His friend's parents had obviously failed him, and it was upto the Nepali to try to correct their negligence.

He headed off to the nearest gas station. Although he was slightly tipsy, he used the skills he honed growing up in the mountains of Nepal to successfully navigate down the harrowing flight of stairs that fed into the parking lot of the gas station.

Once inside, the Nepali asked for the best brand of cigarrettes availiable, "Benson & Hedges." Just as he was about to hand his friend's credit card to the cashier, the cashier asked for to see the Nepali's ID. Realizing that he had been foiled once again by his youthful good looks, the Nepali retrieved his driver's license and replaced his friend's credit card with one of his own.

Although he had to pay for the cigarrettes himself, the Nepali was still jolly and after a puff or two, slightly dizzy. He nonetheless vowed that he would, one day, teach his friend the lesson on fiscal responsibility because that is friends are for.

Moral of the story: If you buy a Nepali a beer, he is probably going to want some cigarrettes as well.

Most Hated Sports Fans: New York or Boston?

2006-11-06T09:10:00.000-05:00

When it comes to professional sports, there are few things I hate more than fans of Boston or New York sports teams. But who do I hate more? A comparision must made by breaking down the fans into their respective teams:

Baseball
Boston Red Sox-I was happy when the Red Sox won the World Series. I thought it was neat and that the team was fun. However, the celebration by the Red Sox fans made me regret my decision to root for them. People acted like they were being freed from slavery. There was crying and books and much talk of suffering and sacrifices. And then next season it was back to the same whining and complaining. So irritiating.

New York Yankees- Any fans who boo A-Rod for no good reason don't deserve to be called good baseball fans. You have one of the best players ever to play the game and he has a bad season. Instead of supporting him, you tear him down. They say it is a badge of honor that New York is such a tough place to play. I call it a badge of stupidity. I also hate anybody abroad (esp. London) who wears a Yankees hat because they saw it worn in a music video and because they like New York. Word to the wise: New York ain't that great.

New York Mets- The higher class New York fans are still a bastion of hate and disappointment. However, they don't irk me like Yankees fans. I still enjoy seeing the Mets lose, however.

Basketball:

Boston Celtics-Maybe since the Celtics haven't mattered in so long, I don't really have any opinion about their fans. They haven't been shoved down my throat as much as the Red Sox and the Patriots. Does anybody speak with a Boston accent outside of Boston? Transplanted Bostonians that I know speak like normal people. It's all just an act to sound retahded. And "wicked" is one of the worst words in the English language.

New York Knicks- Boy, I love Isiah Thomas. Thank you for destroying the Knicks and turning them into a laughing stock. Nothing pleases me more than seeing Spike Lee disheartened and the hallowed grounds of the MSG sullied by this terrible team.

Football:
New York Jets-The stadium they play in is named after the other football team in the town. So sad. It's like the Cubs playing in White Sox stadium.

New York Giants-No real complaints here either. Compared to Redskins, Eagles, and Cowboy fans, they are the least annoying fans in their own division.

New England Patriots-Every year the Pats make a wise personnel decision. Every year every Patriot fan complains. Every year the Patriots win with a secondary carved off somebody else's practice squad. So every year Pat fans sound stupid.

In conclusion, I think I hate Boston fans more. I just can't stand to be in their presence. They feel like they have suffered more than anyone else and that they deserve to win. It's just sports. Get some perspective. Just because the Red Sox lost shouldn't ruin your day. You think Big Papi cares about your feelings? Manny? Jason Varitek? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Next week: Why I hate Philadelphia fans. Booing Santa Claus is not awesome. It is childish. Your greatest sports hero is a fictional boxer. Pathetic.

New Rule

2006-11-05T11:01:00.000-05:00

From now on instead of saying the phrase, "Looks like," one must say "Bears an uncanny resemblence to."

Examples:
"Boy, that guy bears an uncanny resemblence to Jon Lovitz."
"Why did you do that? Do you think I bear an uncanny resemblence to an idiot?"

Using this phrase will liven up your lexicon and contribute greatly to your conversations.

I am an addict

2006-11-03T16:14:00.000-05:00

I am addicted to the internet:

1. Lying about how much time is spent online.
2. General decrease of physical activity and social life.
3. Neglecting obligations at home, work, or school to spend time online.
4. Spending too much money on computer equipment or Internet activities.
5. Feeling a constant desire to be online when they're away from the computer.
6. Going online to escape real world problems.
7. Disregarding the emotional or physical consequences of being in front of a computer all day.
8. Denial of the problem.

Let's run down the symptoms for me.
1. I say I spend 8 hours a day online when I really only spend like 5.
2 Since starting employment in July, my social life and physical activity have come to a grinding halt.
3. I sometimes forget to call my parents because I have emailed them.
4. I keep spending way too much online. Heating bill, cell phone bill...when will my madness end?
5. I yearn to lay with my computer at all times.
6. I consistently escape the real world and go online and read about politcs for hours on end.
7. I don't know what these are but yes I am disregarding them.
8. I don't think I am addicted to the internet.

Whoa, I am really addicted. Maybe I should seek help. Or maybe I should just watch more TV. At least I am only addicted to the one internet and not the many other internets that to which I could be addicted.

I Wonder If There Was a Happy Ending?

2006-11-02T17:37:00.000-05:00

The Scary Thing is That This Didn't Strike Me as Strange at First

2006-11-02T15:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my supervisor, a 40-something year-old woman, came back from a meeting. She checked her email, gasped, and immediately rushed out of the office. 20 minutes later she came back down to tell me what the deal was:

"I received an email from my ex (who works upstairs) with the subject line of 'Who is that hottie?' Inside was a picture of me in my Star Trek uniform from 2 years ago. I was so mad I had to go talk to him."

I never did get to see the picture.

Or As I Like to Call Them: Sterry Manibert

2006-11-02T13:15:00.000-05:00

Sometimes my dreams do come true.

E-Voting Ridiculousness

2006-11-02T11:50:00.000-05:00

Yes, there have been extensive problems counting votes in the past, as well as various voting frauds. But, thanks to the coming of the computer age, the age of convenience, changing the vote has never been easier.

Old People and Computers

2006-11-02T09:55:00.000-05:00

There have been many criticisms of elctronic voting machines- no paper trail, machine failures, switching votes, etc. One that isn't brought up enough is that election workers, average age 73, don't have the slightest idea of how to use computers. This situation is explained in today's Washington Post:

Goodman, a former NBC television news producer who lives near Rockville, said he found the jargon of the training session offered by the county Board of Elections incomprehensible and the technology overwhelming. It wasn't long before his eagerness hardened to frustration as he realized the job of check-in judge was going to be a lot harder than he thought.

He's no computer whiz, but given a bit more time he could manage, he said. In a single three-hour class, "there was no way to absorb all that," he said.
.
.
.
State officials have called for additional training, but some local elections administrators say the sessions aren't nearly long enough.

I think we should do a lot more," said Robert J. Antonetti Sr., the Prince George's interim elections administrator. He added that many of the judges find the new technology "mind-boggling." The county has held training sessions almost nightly and twice on Saturdays, he said.
.
.
.
Later, when the instructor, Belinda Lee, asked the class to plug in the ethernet line, some stared blankly at the tangle of wires in front of them until she told them it was the one that looks like a telephone cord.

"Oy vey!" an exasperated Goodman blurted out.

During a break, trainee Joseph Burke, 80, of Chevy Chase thumbed through the thick three-ring binder he will have to become familiar with before Tuesday.

"That's a lot of stuff they threw at us," he said. "It's going to take some more studying."

Anthony DiLullo, 67, of Bethesda was comforted only by the fact that another check-in judge would be working the polls with him Election Day. "I hope the other person knows more than I do," he said.

Having gone through teaching my mother and my grandmother how to use a computer, I can tell you that older people get very confused very quickly when discussing computers. I think using computers is like learning a language: if you learn while you are young, it's easy and intuitive; if you are older, then it's foreign and confusing. Thankfully they are trying to recruit high school students to do it. They at least will know how to plug in the machines.

I feel sorry for all the trainers who had to instruct the poll workers. The choruses of "Slow down!", "I'm confused!" and "I don't see any 'any' key!" must have been deafening.

Born In the USA

2006-11-02T09:28:00.000-05:00

A video to get you pumped up for the morning:

Bruce bears a striking resemblence to Matthew Broderick. I still can't believe Reagan used this in 1984 as his campaign song. Where are the working class hero songs of today? Oh that's right, they are all now in Spanish.

On Idiocy

2006-11-01T16:32:00.000-05:00

I try not to post too much on poilitcs (the ridiculous George Allen race excepted because its humor cannot be denied. Macaca...hehehe) because politics tend to angry up the blood a bit too much. That being said this whole John Kerry flap makes me so incredibly furious and so incredibly sad at the same time that I can't even see straight.

Kerry "botched" a joke criticizing Bush's intelligence the other day. This is what he meant to say:

"Do you know where you end up if you don't study, if you aren't smart, if you're intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush."

He accidentally flubbed the line and said "You end up getting stuck in Iraq." The Bush administration has purposely misconstrued this line to say that John Kerry is calling the troops stupid. They have demanded an apology from John Kerry.

It is quote obvious what John Kerry meant to say. This line came in the middle of a bunch of other lines insulting Bush. Why would John Kerry, a veteran, call himself stupid?

George Bush should be the one apologizing. He should be sorry for misusing the brave men and women of the military. For sending them without the best armor. For sending them without a good plan. For sending them to Iraq for reasons that turned out not to be true. For still having no plan to end the war. For extending their tours of duty. For abusing the National Guard. For thinking this war would be easy. For making America less safe. For the thousands of Iraqis that have died. For the thousands of Americans killed and wounded. For not knowing that there is a differnece between Sunnis and Shiites.

Is that all you have Mr. Bush? 3 and 1/2 years into this war, your main argument for the continuance of your policies is that John Kerry misspoke? The blatant dishonesty and the false outrage makes me sick to my stomach. Have we really stooped this low?

Firefly

2006-11-01T13:04:00.000-05:00

Last night I completed my viewings of the late, great, sci-fi series Firefly. For those not familiar, it was a show for 3 months back in 2002 and then got cancelled. The movie that wrapped up many of the series' storylines came out last year and was titled, Serenity. Both the series and the movie were surprisingly good. Well written. interesting storylines, memorable characters, good action. I suggest all first watch the 15 episode series and then see the movie. You sha'n't regret it.

Halloween Ad Idea

2006-11-01T09:31:00.000-05:00

Well after being extorted for candy last night, I thought of an interesting idea for a Halloween themed ad:

(Scene opens with a certain Nepali knocking on a door)
Nepali: Trick or Remy Martin cognac!
(Door slammed in his face. Nepali throws eggs at house)

(Nepali knocks on another door)
Nepali: Trick or Remy Martin cognac!
Man: What are you kidding me?
(Door slammed. Nepali lights bag of poop on porch.)

(Nepali knocks on the last door. A very austere looking gentleman answers.)
Nepali: Trick or Remy Martin cognac!
Gentleman: Now that's what I like to hear. Come on in.
(As Nepali goes into the house, camera shows Nepali putting a hand grenade back in his bag as it is not necessary to play a "trick" on this man's house)

(Camera shows blurry shot of firepalce as Nepali and man sip cognac and laugh)
Narrator: Remy Martin-It's always good to have some around.

End

For all those...

2006-10-31T15:31:00.000-05:00

Taking a suggestion from a comment on the previous post, I am writing a little poem defending my sense of humor:

For all those that just sit and stare,
when I doth quote Stephen Colbert,
For all those that just look stunned,
when I make a simple pun,
For all those that just don't laugh,
when I mention the Macaca gaffe,
For all those that just rest in silence,
when I discuss "A History of Violence,"
For all those from whom I get no deference,
when I make a Simpsons reference,
For all those that just tire of me,
when I point out a delicious irony,
For all those that say I'm not funny,
when I know I'm just plain money,

For all those who will never get it,
I say someday you will regret it,
For I am not the first you see,
to be appreciated only by history,
Many like me before have died,
one was even crucified,
For one day when I have gone on by,
they will say, "John was one funny guy."

With Child

2006-10-31T11:24:00.000-05:00

I found out yesterday that not one but two people in my office are pregnant. After saying congratulations, I said, "Boy I hope it's not contagious because labor sounds painful." This was met with silence and then more silence. I swear I try and try but always come up flat. Maybe my humor needs to be more accessible.

"Boy, you know what I hate? Commercials. They just talk and talk and talk. And another thing, women are grouchy when they are on their period. Men really like fantasy football. White people dancing. Poop. Boy that bubble gum from baseball cards in the 60's sure was bad. What was it made of? Britney Spears is trashy."

Maybe I'll try that. It'll work wonders.

Or Maybe I should try what Luis Bunuel did when screening his controversial film "Un Chien Andalou":

t was made in the hope of administering a revolutionary shock to society. "For the first time in the history of the cinema," wrote the critic Ado Kyrou, "a director tries not to please but rather to alienate nearly all potential spectators."
The scandal of "Un Chien Andalou" has become one of the legends of the surrealists. At the first screening, Bunuel claimed, he stood behind the screen with his pockets filled with stones, "to throw at the audience in case of disaster."

Notice to coworkers and friends, I will now carry stones in my pockets to pummel if you don't honor me.

I am being watched

2006-10-31T09:37:00.000-05:00

Well I received an interesting visitor to the site this morning:

10/31/06 09:03:10

nyhost.harpercollins.com

United States

MS Internet Explorer 6

Windows X

That's right, the publisher of the Charlie Weis book that I proclaimed that I wouldn't read yesterday. I hope they found my reasons compelling enough that they felt shame for publishing the book. I hope they offer to send me a free copy in hopes that I read it; I could always use more toilet paper.

I don't think it's surprising that Harper Collins is owned by NEWS CORP. also known as Rupert Murdoch's magical money making and influence machine. Lousy Australian. Bunch of convicts. Notre Dame: Returning to Glory since 1993.

A book I won't be reading

2006-10-30T13:31:00.000-05:00

No Excuses: One Man's Incredible Rise Through the NFL to Head Coach of Notre Dame. The book is about Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis and his rise to cult-like figure in Notre Dame without actually accomplishng anything of significance. Charlie Weis' record at Notre Dame is 17-4 which is good but not great. His best win came agianst a Michigan team in 2005 that finished 7-5 on the year. He also almost beat USC. You know who else almost beat USC in 2005? Oregon and Arizona State. He has lost to Michigan State once and required a miracle comeback to beat them a second time. Michigan State lost by 30 to Indiana this weekend. Anyways, Charlie Weis is doing a decent job of winning football games with talent that he didn't recruit and a defense that can't really stop anybody decent.

For more on why Charlie Weis deserves less praise see DJ Gallo and Stewart Mandel.

Weekend In Review

2006-10-30T09:22:00.000-05:00

1. Michigan Wolverines- Handled the uniquely named "Wildcats" of Norhtwestern. Only 3 weeks to go before the "most meaningful event that has ever happened since time began." I am holding my breath.

2. Da Bears- A truly dominating performance for a truly dominant team. The 49ers are who we thought they were.

3.Halloween- I went to a pleasant Halloween party dressed as the guy who doesn't wear a costume. Much merriment was had.

4.Election 2006Only a week to go. Will the Democrats regain both chambers of Congress? Will Osama make an appearence? Who is Al-Qaeda voting for? Who really represents American values? We shall find out on November 7.

5.A new team member- Everyone welcome new team member, Gsus. He is an accomplished yearbook writer and his concise, succint, cohesive writing style should enhance the content of this blog immensely.

6.English Phrases-I resent how certain people living abroad in London sign their emails, "Cheers" and refer to the US as the "States." It's "thanks" and the "The United States of America and it's outlying terriotories", not the "States." Further use of these phrases will result in *grave* consequences. You have been warned.

Da Bears

2006-10-29T17:30:00.000-05:00

FIle under: TMI

2006-10-27T12:24:00.000-05:00

It's an overheard in the office spectacular today. For the second time in a week, a 40 something year-old woman has told me, "I'm glad that it's getting colder outside. It's so much worse when it's warm. You know...with the hot flashes and all."

No. No I dont know. And neither did I want to know. I don't think she'd appreciate me saying things like, "I'm glad that I'm eating more fiber. You know...with the regular pooping. Although sometimes I have too much and it's like a bunker busting bomb went off in the toilet."

Heard in the Office

2006-10-27T09:48:00.000-05:00

"What is the Soviet Union called now? Is it still called the USSR? I thought that changed a while ago." said on 10/26/2006

and no, I'm not cucking any stool here. This actually happened.

*quietly whimpering about state of country*

The Definition of Non-Fiction

2006-10-27T08:44:00.000-05:00

My supervisor was talking about what books she likes to read. She mentioned she enjoys "Christian Fiction", so I asked if she had read the "Left Behind" series. Left Behind is the immensely popular series where the rapture occurs and the people left behind have to fight the antichrist(who is the head of the UN) before Jesus returns to establish his kingdom on Earth. This was my supervisor's assessment of the books:

"What is great about the books is that they closely follow the scripture in the Bible and Revelations so there is a non-fiction aspect to the books. It also has interesting characters and monsters so I am kept up late at night reading it."

Revelations? Non-fiction? At best Revelations is a prophecy that has yet to come true; at worst it is a poorly written story that makes Dan Brown look like a great writer.

Apparently, there are also "Christian Mysteries" that my aunt likes to read. I think they mostly involve finding out who cucked stool in the holy water.

Washington's Last Words

2006-10-26T16:10:00.000-05:00

Guest post by Tony. (Anyone who want anything posted, just email it to me. This blog is read by tens of people, TENS!)

A large friend of mine who was formerly in possesion of a high voice mentioned an interesting fact to me today. He informed me of the words President and Badass George Washington uttered with his dying breath. These words, "I die hard but am not afraid to go," got me thinking. What exactly did Washington mean when he said die hard? Here is what I and a few comrades have produced.

1. He was just, as usual, being a complete badass and facing his own mortality like a true man.

2. He possessed the power of time travel, like many of our founding fathers, and had gone forth 200 years and viewed the Die Hard trilogy.He thoroughly enjoyed these classic pieces of American film and felt that the title would fit excellently in his last words.

3. Much like the previous, he has seen the Die Hard films, but felt threatened by Bruce Willis' insane amount of badassery in those movies and decided to beat him to the punch by using the phrase 200 years before the movie came out.

4. He was aroused by the sight of an attractive nurse and was just letting people know.

Here is a ridiculous song and video about George Washington.

Coming Soon: Jewel of Nepal, MD

2006-10-26T12:24:00.000-05:00

So apparently there is a city in Pennsylvania named King of Prussia:

King of Prussia was settled by Welsh immigrants in the early 1700’s who originally called it Reeseville, after a prominent family who owned much of the land. During the later part of the 18th century it became common to refer to the area as King of Prussia, after a tavern by that name operated by the Reese family. That may be the only piece of the puzzle which is certain; the exact date when the tavern was established, and the political reasons behind the name, are clouded by time.

I now have another new goal in life: Get a town named after a bar that I found. The bar's name: Jewel of Nepal. Serving only the finest in cognacs and Heineken, this bar will attract those seeking more meaning in their lives. Now I just need to learn how to make momos.

Better Living Through Chemistry

2006-10-26T11:08:00.000-05:00

The Washington Post has a great article today about an "Athiest Evangelist." This guy is really some sort of something. He is a very militant athiest who believes all should reject god. How did come to these conclusions?

What he'll say is this: At age 19, he and a college friend tried MDMA, better known as ecstasy, and the experience altered his view of the role that love could play in the world. ("I realized that it was possible to be a human being who wished others well all the time, reflexively.") He dropped out of Stanford, where he was an English major, in his sophomore year and started to study Buddhism and meditation. He flew around the country and around the world, to places such as India and Nepal, often for silent retreats that went on for months. One of his teachers was Sharon Salzberg, a co-founder of the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Mass. Harris stood out, she recalls, not just because of his relative youth -- everyone else was a generation older -- but because of his intensity.

"His passion was for deep philosophical questions, and he could talk for hours and hours," Salzberg recalls. "Sometimes you'd want to say to him, 'What about the Yankees?' or 'Look at the leaves, they're changing color!' " At the time, he was supported financially by his mother, though he did work for one memorable three-week stint in the security detail assigned to the Dalai Lama.

"You walk into a room and everyone is beaming good vibes," he recalls, "and I'm looking for dangerous lunatics. I wouldn't recommend it."

What an intense guy! I think he and Jack Bauer are the two most intense people (fictional or non-fictional) on the planet. If you want to get his feelings of love though, you don't have to take MDMA. I get those feelings by eating Chipotle.

BTW, Daylight Savings Time exists because Jack Bauer needed an extra hour.

Cucking Stool

2006-10-25T12:42:00.000-05:00

As I was looking up the etymology for the word "stool" I discovered something even more awesome. In England, there used to be a device called the cucking stool:

The cucking-stool or Stool of Repentance, is of very ancient date, and was used by the Saxons, who called it the scealding or scolding stool. It is mentioned in Domesday Book as in use at Chester, being called cathedra stercoris, a name which seems to confirm the first of the derivations suggested in the footnote below. Tied to this stool the woman, her head and feet bare, was publicly exposed at her door or paraded through the streets amidst the jeers of the crowd.

The term cucking-stool is known to have been in use from about 1215. It means literally "defecation chair", as its name is derived from the old verb cukken which means "to defecate", rather than, as popularly believed, from the word cuckold. Commodes or chamber pots were often used as cucking-stools, hence the name.

The cucking-stool could be used for both sexes - indeed, unruly married couples were occasionally bound back-to-back and ducked (dunked). The device was most commonly used for the punishment of dishonest brewers and bakers.

How awesome is the phrase "cucking stool?" So sweet. Anyways, I propose to redefine the meaning of the phrase a bit. Instead of a noun, it will now be a verbal phrase with a meaning similar to BS.
Ex."Boy that last paper I wrote was so bad. I was cucking stool all over the place."
"No way did the Bears beat the Cardinals. You're cucking some serious stool."

I will definitely use this phrase ad infinitum.

Now a somewhat off topic joke.
One English pub owner asked another more successful pub owner:
"Why does your pub get so much business?"
The other pub owner replied:
"It's my bloody stools. The customers just love sitting on my bloody stools."

Breaking NEWS!

2006-10-25T10:15:00.000-05:00

So right now, President Bush is giving a press conference. MSNBC.com, CNN.com, and FOXNEWS.com all have breaking news banners on their websites. All the banners feature an aspect of the press conference. Let us examine the various websites.

Fox News:

"Bush Declares Defeating Islamic Extremists is "Challenge of our Time.'

CNN:

"Withdrawing on an artificial timetable means we lose" in Iraq, President Bush said.

MSNBC:

Bush says speacial panel will take 'fresh look' at Iraq strategy.

Which of the preceding websites is correct in proclaiming breaking news?
Not Fox:

Bush said the "calling of our generation" is the fight between extremism and the "peaceful majority." (9/19/2006)

Not CNN:

"Why would you say to the enemy, 'Here's a timetable. Just go ahead and wait us out?' It doesn't make any sense to have a timetable," president Bush said. "You know, if you give a timetable, you are conceding too much to the enemy. And this is an enemy that will be defeated."

President Bush says the best way to honor the more than 1,700 Americans who have been killed in Iraq is to complete the mission.(6/24/2006)

The only breaking news is that Bush has another special panel to look at Iraq. Interesting that Fox and CNN decided that Bush rehashing old ideas counted as "Breaking News." Perhaps they don't realize that you can't spell "news" without "new."

On the Need for Educational Reform

2006-10-25T08:19:00.000-05:00

Today, is donut day at the office. It happens every month where the boss goes and buys Krispy Kremes. As I was going to the back to get a donut today, a coworker jokingly stated that only employees who had worked on a certain project get donuts, and since I didn't work on it, I don't get any. However, I expalined that I had printed off a spreadsheet for the project this morning because someone was sick, so I get a donut. She scoffed and said that I was getting a donut by default and didn't really deserve one. I responded, "Those are the two sweetest words in the English language: de-fault." None of the six people in the room got the joke, and these people are all in their twenties.

I was referencing the classic Simpsons episode where Homer goes into space only because Barney drops out at the last minute because he starts drinking again.

Scientist: [resigned] Well, Homer, I guess you're the winner by default.
Homer: Default? Woo hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language: de-fault! De-fault! De-fault!

It's so frustrating to pull out these genius references only to have them go unappreciated. And what's even worse is the knowledge that any other Simpsons references will go unappreciated as well. This greatly reduces my humor repetoire. Therefore I propose, all episodes from seasons 1-11 of the Simpsons should be mandatory viewing in schools. This law should apply retroactively to people who have already graduated so that they don't miss out on the cultural touchstone that is The Simpsons. It is truly tragic that something so funny, so clever, so genius could go unappreciated.

The Google

2006-10-24T15:40:00.000-05:00

He's done it again! Nerds and bloggers rejoice!

Thanks to Bryon "I like my meat bloody" Fong for that one. Fong is incredulous as to how Bush can't remember the name of the program "Google Map." I wonder the same thing about my father when he calls me by my brother's name. I think its old age.

For added good measure for those of you who don't remember back to 2004:

God created the Sherpa

2006-10-24T14:59:00.000-05:00

One wonders whether God created the rest of the Nepalese people as well.

To certain half-Chinese able-bodied young men I know, this could be you.