Slap on the back/Punch in the face (US open edition)

Stephen Colbert has his “Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger.” I have my “Slap on the back/Punch in the Face.” Why the violence? Because as Paul Verhoeven says, “I think it's a kind of purifying experience to see violence.”

Punch in the Face:The Sun- I was badly burned on my face, arms, and legs on Monday. Although I wasn’t wearing sunscreen or a hat, it is not my fault. It is the sun’s fault. So a hardy punch in the face for the sun. To those that say that punching the sun would be impossible as I would be incinerated if I even came within a 100,000 miles of it, I contend that I will just go at night.

Slap on the back:The woman who insisted that I use her sunscreen- Halfway through my Monday viewing, a woman sitting next to me insisted that I use her sunscreen. While it’s embarrassing to be mothered by random women at 22 years old, it was much appreciated. I think she thought that I was no more than 15 years old anyways.

Slap on the back:Robby Ginepri and Tommy Haas- For playing a fine 5 set match on Monday. Very exciting.

Slap on the back:The Ethnically Ambiguous European in front of me in line at Café Europa on Monday Morning- This fine specimen of a man ordered 35 dollars worth of pastries, coffee, and little sandwiches for him and his lady friend. His order included a ham and cheese flatbread sandwich that he insisted on call a “ham and cheese burger.” Very. 7.3 out of 10.

Punch in the face:Whoever crapped on the floor of a stall in the bathroom at Penn Station- Disgusting.

Slap on the back:Tony- For making me laugh. He has started to “drop the kids off at the pool” exclusively in my parent’s bathroom. The fact that he announces before and after he does the deed is really funny. The fact that my parents get really upset about it is even funnier.

Slap on the back:Roger Federer- Because my life would be an empty, meaningless void without him.