Great Moments in Nepali History: The Archive

Episode I

Glory just out of arm's reach

This incident began benignly as always. A gallant Nepali and his stooge of a roommate were sitting around using their computers at their respective desks in the lavishly decorated dormroom. The Nepali suddenly had the urge to engage in some fantasy role-play...by means of a video game. (That sentence could have taken a wrong, and I mean, wrong, turn somewhere) Anyways with remote in hand and XBOX left on from previous gaming, the Nepali was all set to begin his adventures, save for a controller.

Looking round the spacious room, the Nepali spotted one on the floor a few feet away. His first reaction was to command his lackey, or roommate, to bring it to him. When this imbecile shockingly declined to help him, the valiant Nepali decided to get the controller without the help of the First-Worlder.

Still sitting in his chair, the Nepali started to reach for the controller. It was just out of reach. Still sitting, he stretched himself to the limit, bravely trying to reach the controller. Suddenly, disaster struck! The Nepali reached too far and tumbled off his perch. With a great thud, he hit the ground.

While the roommate cackled, the fallen Nepali retrieved the controller, re-ascended his mount and proceeded to enjoy a gaming session, albeit slightly winded from his travels.

Moral of the Story: Never stop reaching for your dreams, even if you sometimes fall in the process.

Episode II

Two Birds (Probably Ducks) with One Stone

It was a beautiful Friday night when the Nepali searched around his pristine dormroom looking for something to amuse him. His break was well deserved after a strenous week of trekking to class, mastering his studies, and conquering Europe in the computer game/war planning tool, Europa.

After a cursory glance, he found two things within arms reach with which to occupy his time: Season 1 and 2 of Family Guy on DVD, and a 3 pound bag of pistachio nuts. He knew it would take a heroic effort in order to get through both the DVDs and the nuts in one sitting, but he knew that he could do it.

He kicked back in his chair, started the DVD's on his computer, and proceeded to make his way through the bag of nuts. Since the garbage can was across the room, he ingeniously decided to place the shells of the nuts on the floor in a somewhat aritistic pile.

For awhile, he was a content as can be. But then the jokes of Family Guy started to grow tiresome and the nuts were drying out his mouth. He knew he needed a pick-me-up, so he used all his resources to persuade the "squatter" who lived on the floor of the room to go make a "Coke-run" at the vending machine. After his refreshing beverage, he continued to watch and eat.

After 7 hours he finally suceeded. The DVDs were watched in entirety and the bag of nuts had been ingested. Since the nuts belonged to his roomate and thus weren't the Nepali's responsibility, he nicely asked his roommate to put the shells in the garbage can. When the roommate, in an act of teenage defiance, refused, the Nepali took the high road and placed them in the can himself. It had been a great night and with both of his tasks now complete, the Nepali readied the XBOX, placed the controller and TV remote next to his bed so he could play as soon as he woke up, and drifted off into a soundless sleep.

Moral of the Story: Pesisitance is the key to success.

Episode III

A Beer Monsoon

It was another Friday night, and the jocular Nepali was prepared to live it up. He and two stooges began their evening by journeying to a bar where a R&B cover band were filling the air with their hypnotic melodies. The Nepali put on his evening attire which involved a sweatshirt, jeans, and a black scarf from Limited Express.

After several pints of beer and many witty retorts and barbs, the Nepali was ready to venture to another bar. In the cab ride over, the Nepali proudly announced that he was a "feeler" not a "grabber" as he put his arm around a stunning young woman who was obviously impressed with the style of this dashing young man.

At the next bar, the Nepali was displaying his drinking prowess by drinking two lagers at once. He felt that the party was starting to drag, however, and decided to spice things up a bit. He announced to everyone, "Check this out," and put his thumbs over the tops of the open beer bottles and proceeded to shake them up and down. Suddenly, the beer came spraying out of the bottles and to his company's delight, all over eveyone's clothes. This moment was met with great laughter and merryment. The Nepali had saved the night from becoming dull, and once again, had proved that he is the ultimate in partying.

Moral of the story: Two beers in the hand are worth more than one in the stomach.

Episode IV

A New Hope

It had been a long and trying school year for the valiant Nepali. However, the end was in sight. There remained only one exam to go and it wasn't for two more days, thus giving the Nepali plenty of time to prepare himself both mentally and physically for the exhausting ordeal that is Econ 002: Priniciples of Macroeconomics.

While the Nepali was confident in his knowledge of how markets work and the economy runs, his result on the midterm exam had challenged the veracity and correctness of his theories. Knowing that he needed a good grade on his final in order to placate his desire for personal perfection, he planned on devoting at least 10 hours to studying and fine-tuning his understanding of the material.

At 3:00 pm he received a phone call from a fellow economics student who asked whether the Nepali wanted to go to the tobacco store to buy "Victory Cigars" after the exam that evening. The Nepali was a little surprised for the exam was not for two days. "Whatever could my friend be talking about," the Nepali wondered. His friend explained that the exam was in fact in one hour.

In a state of panic, the Nepali verified the fact that the exam was indeed in only one hour, not the 48 that he was anticipating. The textbook and notes were immediately flipped open , and the dorm room was suddenly filled with the frantic mumbling of the Nepali and the amused cackle of his sadistic roommate. After a frenzied hour of studying and prayer, the Nepali rushed off to his exam.

To his shock and delight, the exam was not very difficult and the Nepali managed to pull off a respectable grade. He had been given a reprieve for his oversight, and was able to finish off the year with cigarillo that filled his lungs with pride instead of regret.

Moral of the story: You can't alwyas get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you don't really deserve.

Episode V

A Day to Give Thanks

The Nepali thought the he had experienced most of American Culture. He had seen the American movies, had drank beer from a keg, and had even watched a little American football. He, however, hadn't experienced a true Thanksgiving dinner. That was soon to change.

Ironically, his first Thanksgiving dinner did not take place in America or even on Thanksgiving. It took place in lovely London, England and was the Sunday before Thanksgiving. It was at a former roommate's house whose parents and along with the roommate felt compelled to follow the Nepali on his year abroad in London.

The Nepali arrived for the dinner impeccably dressed as always. He familiarized himself with the layout of the house, and decided to set up shop downstairs, near the food and the TV. Being Hindu, Sundays were not a day of rest for him. The Nepali had a complicated business assignment to do for class. After boggling his host's mind with the complexity of the assignment, the Nepali decided to have some salmon rolls as an appetizer accompanied with a couple of refreshing bottles of lager.

His homework needed to be done so the Nepali deftly called his partners on the project, encouraged them to complete their tasks, and was also able to receive guidance on how best to complete his task. After three minutes of conversation, the Nepali knew that he could put his homework away for it was as good as done. He had made his expectations clear to his partners and he was sure that both his part and his partner's assignments would be completed to satsifaction.

After finishing up with some ale, the Nepali sat down for some light Xboxing. When he was through obliterating the evil Covenant forces and becoming the savior of the human race, the Nepali ate his turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and his favorite, cranberry sauce. After eating a healthy amount of food, the Nepali was feeling a bit drowsy. His hosts thanked him for coming and the Nepali journeyed back to his quarters where he enjoyed a satisfying nap. For the Nepali, his first thanksgiving was a truly joyous occasion.

Moral of the Story: Food, beer, video games, and delegating equal one jolly Nepali.

Episode VI

A Nocturnal Emission

Once upon a time in Nepal, some believe, around the year two double-aught three, the head son of a wealthy family, was walking down the road, contemplating whatever it is that a man of the Nepali's infinite power contemplates - which is another way of saying "who knows?" - when a Maoist Rebel appeared, traveling in the opposite direction. As the heir and the rebel crossed paths, the Nepali, in a practically unfathomable display of generosity, gave the rebel the slightest of nods. The nod was not returned. Now was it the intention of the Maoist to insult the Nepali? Or did he just fail to see the generous social gesture? The motives of the Maoist remain unknown. What is known, are the consequences. The next morning the Nepali appeared at the Maoist camp and demanded of the rebel leader that he offer the Nepali his neck to repay the insult. The rebel leader at first tried to console the Nepali, only to find that he was inconsolable. So began the massacre of the Maoist camp and all sixty of the rebels inside at the fists of the Brown Momo. And so began the legend of the Nepali's five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique.

BZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

The Nepali was jolted awake from his wonderful dream. He looked around his dormroom, disappointed to not see the bodies of the slain rebels. Still worked up from the dream, the Nepali reached for the remote and the XBOX contoller, and proceeded to practice his moves on Dead or Alive 3 for the rest of the afternoon.

Moral of the Story: The best Maoist is a dead Maoist.

Episode VII

Nepali Want a Quacker?

One night, while in engaging in an otherwise inane discussion with two of his "co-students", a request was made of him.

"Please, oh wise Nepali, tell us a tale of magnificent feats and unparalleled heroism."

The request both suprised and delighted the Nepali. So in a clear, sonorous voice, he began his tale:

"It was a beatiful day in Nepal and my driver and I were out for a drive near the family resort with me behind the wheel. We were driving through a small village when we came across a duck crossing. I stopped at the duck crossing and patiently waited for the ducks to cross. After they finished, I proceeded on my way.

However, I had made a grave error. My passenger informed me that I had not waited long enough and had accidentally run over a duck. I briefly grieved for passing of the duck.

However, there were bigger problems at hand. If I were to drive back through the village, the upset peasants would surely throw stones at my fine automobile. Thinking quickly, I had the driver call my father. My father, upon hearing of the threat to his car, dispatched some people to quell the rage of the peasants by giving some rupees.

After that, I was able to make a safe passage home."

The Nepali concluded his story and his audience of two had tears coming down their faces, for it was the Greatest Tale Ever Told.

Moral of the Story: Money can't buy happiness, but it certainly can buy off peasants.

Episode VIII

A Fridge Too Far

"Eat Me."

Did the Nepali just hear that? Or did he imagine it? Was the refrigerador really talking to him? Or was it only his stomach?

The Nepali leaned back in his desk chair and continued to lay siege to the western border of France. He had already conquered the USSR, and his German army was trying to move as far west as possible befroe the inevitable counter attack by the Americans.

"Eat Me."

The Nepali looked up from his WWII computer game. This time he was sure that he had heard something. "Why is the fridge talking to me?" he mused aloud. He had eaten a Chipotle burrito today, so he shouldn't be hungry again. He hoped that the voice would just go away on its own.

"Eat ME!"

The voice was more insistent this time. What was in the fridge that the Nepali could eat? 3 month old ice cream? Rice beer that had been sitting in a jar for 5 months? Then he remembered, there was another burrito in the fridge. That must be what it is calling to him. "I will not eat you so please be quiet," the Nepali explained to the burrito inside the refrigerador.

"EAT MEEEEEEE!!! OR I'LL DIE!!!"

The Nepali wondered if this was true. Would the burrito really die if it wasn't consumed immediately? Inpsired by the Greatest Generation that would soon lay siege to his advancing armies, the Nepali decided to take the higher path, and to make a great sacrifice. The Nepali rose from his chair, opened the fridge, and extracted the burrito. Even though he was full the Nepali knew what he had to do. He unwrapped the foil cover and proceeded to forcefeed himself the massive Mexican monstrosity.

About halfway through, the Nepali felt the blood rush from his head to his stomach. He scrambled from his chair to his bed and immediately passed out. The moment before he lost consciousness he swore he heard the burrito laugh triumphantly. The burrito had gotten the best of him. But he vowed to fight another day.

Moral of the Story: Never trust a burrito.

Episode IX

Return of the Jedi

The Nepali awoke with gleam in his eye and a fire in his belly. After quenching the fire with a burrito, the Nepali proceeded to start on his master plan for the day. He had already beaten Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (KOTOR) 5 times but today he was going to do something special. He was going to game the game.

In the game, which takes about 20 hours to complete, you play a jedi who doesn't know who he is. About 2/3 through the game, the player realizes that his character is dark jedi named Revan who was captured and brainwashed to try to be good again. The Nepali had decided to name his character Revan at the beginning of the game, thus making the revealing of the character's true nature less dramatic.

He played all day and by the evening, his joke was set. He called his roommate to watch the TV screen as it was about to happen. The Nepali pressed the button and his charater's companion started to speak, "Reven, you are Revan."

The roommate started to laugh. "You spelled it wrong. How many times have you played this game? And you still got the name wrong? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The Nepali still thought it was funny, declaring his roommate to be stupid. Silently he swore revenge against his roommate.

To be continued...

Episode X

Continued from Episode IX.

Revenge of the Sith

The Nepali knew that he must avenge the dishonor that his roommate had shown him in laughing at the Nepali's execution of his joke. The Nepali also knew that he didn't pay enough attention to the roommate's everyday habits, thus leaving him without the knowledge to best achieve his revenge in a spectacular and meaningful way. He called the one person he knew he could trust to help him, the roommate's girlfriend.

Together they schemed. The plans ranged from simple (get him a extra-hot burrito and wathc him eat it and suffer) to elaborate (an series of lies to get him to show up somewhere and stand him up) to cruel and unusual (pee on his bed, set fire to his computer, and break his guitars). Eventually they decided on putting shaving cream in one of the roomate's most precious possessions, his L.L. Bean hiking boots. The girlfriend originally wanted to put shaving cream in the roommate's bed but the journey from the chair to the top bunk of the bed would have been too arduous.

So they sprayed the Edge Shaving Gel into the hiking boots. When the roommate saw them, the roommate shrugged his shoulders and said, "Meh." The Nepali could tell that it was all an act. The roommate was devastated. His most precious possession defiled. The Nepali leaned back in his chair with a smile of satisfaction. Like the USSR in WWII, he had lost the initial battle, but he had won the war.

Moral of the story: Revenge is a dish best served cold. With a side of momos.

Episode XI

What's in your wallet?

It was a typical night of merriment and revelry at the local wateringhole for the Nepali and his two friends. They had drank many pitchers of beer and the night was winding down.

In a move not atypical for him, one of the Nepali's drinking partners had gotten a bit too drunk and was getting impatient with waiting for the tab. In a an act of frustration and inebriation, he flung his credit card on the table and instructed the Nepali to sign for it when the bill came. Being a good freind, the Nepali agreed to the request.

After paying the bill with his friend's credit card, the Nepali knew that he needed a nightcap of nicotine in order to properly finish off the night. He also knew that he must teach his friend a lesson about giving out his credit card to people. His friend's parents had obviously failed him, and it was upto the Nepali to try to correct their negligence.

He headed off to the nearest gas station. Although he was slightly tipsy, he used the skills he honed growing up in the mountains of Nepal to successfully navigate down the harrowing flight of stairs that fed into the parking lot of the gas station.

Once inside, the Nepali asked for the best brand of cigarrettes availiable, "Benson & Hedges." Just as he was about to hand his friend's credit card to the cashier, the cashier asked for to see the Nepali's ID. Realizing that he had been foiled once again by his youthful good looks, the Nepali retrieved his driver's license and replaced his friend's credit card with one of his own.

Although he had to pay for the cigarrettes himself, the Nepali was still jolly and after a puff or two, slightly dizzy. He nonetheless vowed that he would, one day, teach his friend the lesson on fiscal responsibility because that is friends are for.

Moral of the story: If you buy a Nepali a beer, he is probably going to want some cigarrettes as well.

Episode XII

Speaking Truth to Power

The Nepali sipped on his Jack Daniel's whiskey and leaned back on the couch. Although the glass he was drinking from was meant for a child and covered in circus animals, the alcohol in the glass had given him the courage to speak the words only a grown man could muster.

He had been in her apartment, watching her talk down to her boyfriend, the Nepali's roommate, for a few hours now and he knew that someone must stand up to her. The Nepali's roommate, like a beaten dog, took the abuse and could only muster a muted whimper in response. The Nepali had to take action on behalf of his friend, because it is the only honorable act for a friend to take. Since the Nepali knew the consequences of his actions would be harsh, it had taken a few glasses of liquid courage in order to get to the point where he could say what needed to be said.

Making sure that all could hear, the Nepali leaned forward and loudly pronounced, "I don't know much for I am but a mere, humble third-worlder, but I do know one thing for sure: Women belong in the kitchen!"

WHACK!

The blows came faster and harder than the Nepali expected. Even though the alcohol dulled his pain receptors, the Nepali felt he was being bruised quite badly. He steadfastly stood by his words though, and eventually the torrential downpour and punches subsided. Although he had been battered, the Nepali knew that he had acheived a great victory and earned the next sip of that delicious Tennessee flavor.

Moral of the Story: Women belong in the kitchen.