Scouts agree - Larry Allen exists

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother reading some of this so-called football analysis.
From SI.com

• Acquiring Terrell Owens was the right move, but they should not have gotten rid of Larry Allen at left guard. He can still play.

That is from the Dallas Cowboys preview. Apparently Larry Allen can still block defensive lineman.

Now later, in the San Francisco "analysis"

• I don't know how much guard Larry Allen has left in him after 12 years in Dallas. I'd be surprised if he has a good year.

Ach! My brain! It hurts!

I'm pretty sure

the other panda I know also jumps like this one.

The Famed Kickboxer Swoosh Noise

Most disgusting sound effect in a movie ever.


Thanks go out to Tony.

I'm still 12 years old on the inside

And if I'm not why do I find this paragraph so funny?

Now, as for Pluto itself, can't we get the hard-boiled astronomer boys to compromise? OK, bag Pluto as a planet. It's cold and unreliable and not much bigger than Delaware. Fair enough, eighty-six it. But then let's change the name of Uranus to Pluto. Nobody has the foggiest idea who Uranus was. We connect with all the other planets. Mercury delivers flowers. Venus is naked. Mars is science fiction. Jupiter is real big. Saturn has rings. Neptune is the ocean guy with the pitchfork. But Uranus? Nobody has a clue. Besides, apart from Earth, it's the ugliest name for a planet. Nobody will miss Uranus if it's gone. Name an asteroid or something after Uranus, and everybody will be happy.

If we can move the Dodgers to Los Angeles and the Colts to Indianapolis, we can surely move Pluto to Uranus.

I, for one, would certainly miss my anus if it were gone.

In my defense,

Mexico has had it coming to them for awhile.

Its an old video

but its still a funny video. By the way, the band, Electric Six, is playing at the Black Cat on September 23 if anyone is interested.

Need Caffeine

Well I have gone all day without any soda, coffee, tea, pills and I am dragging. I need caffeine. I also need small bills as the change machine doesn't work and the cafeteria is closed. I am a yawning machine. I can barely keep my eyes open. Three more hours...ugh.......

The Majesty of the Man

Why does Federer hate jumbo planes? Its genius.

James Lipton: What is your favorite word?

Roger Federer: Please.

James Lipton: What is your least favorite word?

Roger Federer: Bad words.

James Lipton: What is your favorite sound?

Roger Federer: Applause.

James Lipton: What is your least favorite sound?

Roger Federer: Air planes, jumbo air planes.

James Lipton: What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Roger Federer: Holiday resorts, fashion.

James Lipton: What turns you off?

Roger Federer: Dishonesty.

James Lipton: What is your favorite curse word?

Roger Federer: No way! (laughs).

James Lipton: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Roger Federer: Soccer player.

James Lipton: What profession would you not like to do?

Roger Federer: Pilot of a jumbo plane.

James Lipton: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Roger Federer: Welcome, Roger, welcome.

For those with a more

delicate taste in blogs.

Just ate my Turkey Sandwich

that someone special made for me. It was delicious. Or turkilicious. Or turktastic. Maybe even turktacular. Bordering on turkscendant. Not quite a turkgasm though. Anyways it certainly wasn't like this experience:

Homer: I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, *and* I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it? (a sandwich appears and Homer eats it) Not bad. Nice, hot mustard. Good bread. The turkey's a little dry. (realises) The turkey's a little dry! Oh, foe, the cursed teeth! What demon from the depths of hell created thee!

Piyush not so popular...

at least according to this article.

Multitasking on the can

If there is one thing that really annoys me more than anything else at work, is when people feel the need to talk on the phone while in the stall next to me. First of all that can't be pleasant for the person you are talking to. Second, I don't need to hear about your life while I am taking care of business. That time is meant to be spent reading, breathing deeply, and relaxing. There already is enough macaca in the bathroom. My ears do not need to be assaulted with verbal diarrhea as well.

On Notice

With apologies to Stephen Colbert, the following people have been put On Notice.

Roland- I went to get a haircut on Saturday. I’ve been to this particular barbershop before and have had surprisingly pleasant experiences with other barbers. However, on Saturday, Roland butchered my hair. My hair is not very hard to cut. It is pretty standard hair. Normally, all it takes to do a good job is a spray bottle of water and some scissors. However, Roland eschewed the spray bottle and proceeded to hack away at my hair like Joe Pesci hacked away at the body in the trunk of his car. So painful. It felt like hair was being ripped out of my head.

Anyways, he cut it so unevenly that he had to buzz it much shorter than I wanted in order to make it look okay. He then proceeded to attempt to cut my sideburns, but when I yelped in pain when he almost cut off my ear, he stopped. After babbling about some oldie on the radio, he pronounced me done and said that I could make further adjustments on my own. It was the worst haircut. So bad.

Anybody who says the Big Lebowski isn’t funny- It’s genius. There is no debate. Watch it again if you have to. Or call me and I’ll repeat it to you line for line. Nothing further needs to be said.

People who like Vince Vaughn but don’t like Swingers-

He’s played the same character in every comedy he’s been in and it is Trent from Swingers. It’s the same character over and over again and it is hilarious. But various people have told me that they don’t like Swingers but love The Wedding Crashers or Old School. So weak.

You people have been put On Notice. Deal with it!

Baked Doritos

I just ate a bag of baked Doritos. They were not very tasty. In fact they dont look or taste anything like Doritos. Simply disgusting. I nevertheless ate the whole bag. But I sha'n't buy them again.

A reason to vacation to New Zealand

I must eat at this restaurant.

Fantasy football team name

After much deliberation I've decided to go with Lindsay Lohan's Matching Living Room. While somewhat clever, I don't think it beats my coworker who has named his team Vertical Smile .

A humorous moment examined

So at dinner last Saturday I was eating with my friend and his family and my roommates at an upscale Mexican restaurant that was hoppin' (to use the parlance of our time) on a Saturday night.

During dinner the subject of how Senators Joe Biden and Chuck Hagel get along so well even though Joe is a D and Chuck is a R. One friend brought up, as a joke, that Joe slaps Chuck on the butt after a speech.

This statement led to the moment in question where another roommate, lets call him Dre, in a very loudly stated "Nice Job Chuck, no homo" while laughing and making an ass grabbing gesture with his right hand. The mere thought of this moment has caused me to break out into laughter the past few days. And it is necessary to analyze on how many levels this moment is hilarious.

The joke itself-
Level1- Joe Biden and Chuck Hagel's relationship is funny in and of itself.

Level 2- The slapping each other on the ass on the Senate floor is giggle-inducing.

Level 3- The "no homo" aspect is a joke that Dre had with his friends where if you do something that could be interpreted as homosexual if you say "no homo" afterwords it makes it not homosexual. This rule is offensive but in a funny way. And imagining Joe Biden saying "No homo" is really amusing.

The setting-
Level 1- Making this joke in front of a friend's family when nobody will get it is funny. The fact that I'm the only one who laughed at is even funnier.

Level 2- The volume at which the joke was told is hilarious. The whole table could hear and probably anybody within 25 feet of the table.

Level 3- That Dre was cracking himself up while telling the joke is really funny because he was so amused with himself.

Level 4- Dre is prone to crossing the line in social situations. Between the anticipation of such a moment and the actual event that topped all expectations, the moment grows in humerical value.

Final rating for the moment -9.1

Inappropriate exclamation points

My ticket to the company picnic reads as such: (Names changed to protect the innocent, namely myself)

Company X Picnic!!
XXXXXXX Park
Anywhere, MD


Why the exclamation points?!! So unnecessary!!#$@

Is this irony?

The town I work in is Suitland, Maryland but the dress code at the office is casual. Ironic? Idiotic?

Awesome phrase

Try to use the phrase "dueling duality" or "dueling dualities" as much as possible. Not only is the phrase rich in intrinsic meaning, it is also alliterative and makes me laugh.

An ode to Mr. Colbert

Mom, wherever there's a bear eatin' a guy,
wherever a flag of freedom flies,
where there's a fight against the liberals and the debonair
Stephen Colbert, He'll be there
Wherever there's somebody fightin' for the homeland,
or truthiness or taking a stand
wherever somebody is undermining POTUS
He'll make sure they are put on notice
wherever somebody's is struggling to be free,
Look in their eyes Mom, you'll see Steve.

A joke I don't find funny

I'm sure that large percentage of the current 18-29 crowd has said themselves or heard somebody begin a story by saying, "This one time....," and then as an attempt to be funny, interject, "at band camp." This is normally accompanied by a slight smile and a pause to allow others to smirk. The story then conitnues unabated. This is annoying in and of itself, but what is even worse is when somebody interrupts the storyteller to say "at band camp." So irritating. There are like 6 problems with using this line.

1. It's not original or clever. Everybody says it.

2. American Pie isn't that funny in general. It's a 6 at best.

3. The band camp parts of the movie aren't that funny either.

4. Almost any humorous anecdote will be made only less funny by saying "at band camp."

5. It's best to wait till the end of the story to make a funny reference, thus allowing for a more hilarious moment that involves the content of the anecdote.

6. People beginning stories with "This one time" was never even annoying to begin with and there was no need to mock it in the movie. By mocking it, we are debasing one of the more critical forms of human communication. The ability to relate to each other by telling stories from one's past that might bring insight into a person's character.

The next time I'm interrupted just to hear some goober say, "at band camp," I'm going to ask them to "Say hello to my little friend" before getting my *shinebox*.

File under: Hits too close to home

I am very close to this:
http://www.officepirates.com/officepirates/fyi/0,26102,1222464,00.html
Have to cut and paste but unlike flossing, it is worth the effort.

Ketchup on the pizza

In the cafeteria line ahead of me was a man who kind of looked like this genius. He had two slices of pretty crappy looking pizza on his tray along with an egg salad that consisted entirely of eggs and a large fountain drink.

The truly weird thing was that each slice of pizza had about 10 tablespoons of ketchup heaped on top. I could barely make out the individual slices. I don't get it. I enjoy ketchup as much as the next man/woman/hermaphrodite, but I can't fathom injesting as much ketchup as he slathered on those poor pieces of defenseless pizza. After standing behind him in line, I was like, "RIP appetite because that is disgusitng."

A disturbing trend

So I recently upgraded my cell phone from a Nokia to a Motorola SLVR. Why the SLVR? Because it was the most ostentatious and trendy cell phone that I could afford. Owning it makes me feel really good and yuppyish. Plus, Harvey Pekar would hate it, and making him morose gives me pleasure.

However, I take umbrage at the name of the phone, SLVR. Apparently, its pronounced "sliver." However, it could be pronounced "silver" as well, just judging by the spelling. The lack of vowels is quite upsetting. The same goes for another popular and equally yuppy phone, the RAZR. While there are vowels it still looks like it belongs on a license plate.

This is right up there with those FCUK shirts that say witty stuff like, "Just been FCUKed" or "FCUK off." Just get the shirt to say the actual word instead. Its much cooler that way anyways. Same goes for the movie Se7en. Or as I like to call it "Sesevenen."

In the spirit of Stephen Colbert, I think that this Orwellian assualt on the written word, with its implied vowels, may be a Zionist plot.

Larry David Would Agree

A spectre is haunting my social life-the spectre of the two-day birthday celebration. This is where a person has a birthday during the week and wants a celebration on their birthday and then a bigger celebration on the weekend. Maybe a dinner on the weekday with some clubbing/barring on the weekend. This double birthday madness is only acceptable if for one of the events, the attendees do not have to spend any money.

Anything more than that is simply absurd. I just do not get why it is necessary to have two separate celebrations. Sure its nice to do something on the day itself, but can people really not wait for the weekend. Furthermore, I resent that I have to celebrate a birthday twice. I shouldn't have to say Happy Birthday or sing Happy Birthday more than once.

In an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David attends Ben Stiller's birthday party. Larry complains that Ben's birthday was two weeks ago and that it was too late to be throwing a birthday party. Larry proposed a window of two to three days to celebrate the day. I am proposing to modifications to this rule:

1. A week window
2. You only get to celebrate your birthday once.

I think Mr. David himself would agree.

Chipotle Disaster

I was dining at my favorite casual dining establishment, Chipotle, and I ordered a Carnitas burrito. I felt it needed some extra kick so I went a got the Tabasco sauce, original flavor, and put it on my burrito. Unfortunately, some prankster had removed the cap and it got all over my hands. I wiped it off with a napkin and finished my burrito.

As I was watching the Cubs on mlb.com tonight, I stuck my hand down my pants as all men do. There must have been a significant amount of sauce residue on my hand because it immediately started burning down in my crotch region. After 10 minutes of pain and a frantic trip to the shower all was well. Needless to say (but Ill say it anyway), I will wash my hands after eating Chipotle next time. With Soap!

On the need for a numerical scale for measuring humor

I invented this idea many years ago. The humor index would be used to rate jokes, stories, anecdotes, movies, or any medium that was used to relate something that is meant to be funny. Like a clown.

The Humor index would assign each attempt at humor a number, or humerical value, from 1 to 10. I will give an example of this scale using examples that are overused to describe things that may or may not be funny. Using these unoriginal examples will help less clever people use the scale properly.

1- According to Jim or anything with Jim Belushi (No laughs, maybe some tears of sadness)
2-Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football (A slight, occasional half-smile at best)
3-Bill O'Reilly's most riduculous item of the day segment (A full-on smile or an incredulous snort)
4-Becker (Silent agreement with the laugh track, some smiles)
5-Weekend Update on SNL (Ha but not Ha Ha)
6-A mediocre episode of the Simpsons ie the one where Homer moves in with the two gay guys (The occasional outloud laugh with a constant of appreciation of its attempts at relevance and cultural awareness)
7-Tommy Boy (Some big laughs, some little laughs, and the sight of the character is somewhat amusing)
8-Swingers (Big Laughs, light tearing, as funny the second or third time)
9-The Family Guy scene where Peter is on the dating game and responds to the inquiry of how he would eat the girl if she were an ice cream cone, thusly "I'd try to eat you real fast, before I went flaccid" (Big laughs, definite crying, somewhat uncontrollable)
10-Larry David, Ricky Gervais, The best Simpsons episodes, Arrested Development, The Big Lebowski (Belly-aching uncontrollable laughter, mandatory repaeat viewings, repeating the lines and scenes in everyday conversations, shouts of "IT'S GENIUS")

and finally
11- Ayush Amatya ( A constant never-failing source of uproarious laughter)

On the imbibement of libations

I had thought the college was the time to go out and get smashed. It was a fun thing to do, encouraged socialization, and since I did have really any responsibilities, it was nearly consequence free. I enjoyed the drinking and looked forward to hitting the bottle occasionally.

The feelings I experienced in college pale in comparision to the urges that I have in the office. Nothing makes me want to have a drink more than slogging through 8 hours of absolute, mind-numbing work that serves no purpose other than I get paid for doing it.

I have heard stories of the good old days at the office, when on slow days, jungle juice would be brewed in the meeting room and everybody would spend the day getting hammered. That is not allowed to happen anymore. How I wish that wasn't the case. It seems to be the only way to get through the day with my sanity in tact.

A frightening encounter

My office is currently undergoing some serious construction. It is necessary to walk around the entire buliding on this boardwalk that has been constructed. The boardwalk is about as wide as two people and takes about 10 minutes to walk at a good pace.

As I was going home yesterday, I noticed a person ahead of me on the boardwalk walking much slower than I was. As I got closer to her, I noticed the long, white walking stick that was in front of her. I realized that she was blind, which explained the slow pace and the swerving. Well I thought she would hear me come up behind her and move to the side so I could get by. No such luck however, the blind woman was wearing headphones. I couldn't get by without touching her, and in today's working envronment, physical contact with a person of the opposite sex is a big no-no.

Anyways, I was stuck behind her for 15 excruciating minutes. What blind person listens to music while walking? It's like being deaf and then closing your eyes while driving. So foolish. That women is an accident waiting to happen. A walking Hindenberg.

So I was bored in the office today

so I took some newspaper that I had laying around and cut out letters and words to form the sentence "When bored, I improvise." I then stuck this phrase up in my cubicle. So far no one has noticed but the humor of the endeavor may be beyond their feeble minds as it is.

My original idea was to write "When bored, I cut up newspapers." That, however, seemed too pedestrian to be almost clever.