For all those...

Taking a suggestion from a comment on the previous post, I am writing a little poem defending my sense of humor:

For all those that just sit and stare,
when I doth quote Stephen Colbert,
For all those that just look stunned,
when I make a simple pun,
For all those that just don't laugh,
when I mention the Macaca gaffe,
For all those that just rest in silence,
when I discuss "A History of Violence,"
For all those from whom I get no deference,
when I make a Simpsons reference,
For all those that just tire of me,
when I point out a delicious irony,
For all those that say I'm not funny,
when I know I'm just plain money,

For all those who will never get it,
I say someday you will regret it,
For I am not the first you see,
to be appreciated only by history,
Many like me before have died,
one was even crucified,
For one day when I have gone on by,
they will say, "John was one funny guy."

With Child

I found out yesterday that not one but two people in my office are pregnant. After saying congratulations, I said, "Boy I hope it's not contagious because labor sounds painful." This was met with silence and then more silence. I swear I try and try but always come up flat. Maybe my humor needs to be more accessible.

"Boy, you know what I hate? Commercials. They just talk and talk and talk. And another thing, women are grouchy when they are on their period. Men really like fantasy football. White people dancing. Poop. Boy that bubble gum from baseball cards in the 60's sure was bad. What was it made of? Britney Spears is trashy."

Maybe I'll try that. It'll work wonders.

Or Maybe I should try what Luis Bunuel did when screening his controversial film "Un Chien Andalou":

t was made in the hope of administering a revolutionary shock to society. "For the first time in the history of the cinema," wrote the critic Ado Kyrou, "a director tries not to please but rather to alienate nearly all potential spectators."
The scandal of "Un Chien Andalou" has become one of the legends of the surrealists. At the first screening, Bunuel claimed, he stood behind the screen with his pockets filled with stones, "to throw at the audience in case of disaster."

Notice to coworkers and friends, I will now carry stones in my pockets to pummel if you don't honor me.

I am being watched

Well I received an interesting visitor to the site this morning:

10/31/06 09:03:10

nyhost.harpercollins.com

United States

MS Internet Explorer 6

Windows X

That's right, the publisher of the Charlie Weis book that I proclaimed that I wouldn't read yesterday. I hope they found my reasons compelling enough that they felt shame for publishing the book. I hope they offer to send me a free copy in hopes that I read it; I could always use more toilet paper.

I don't think it's surprising that Harper Collins is owned by NEWS CORP. also known as Rupert Murdoch's magical money making and influence machine. Lousy Australian. Bunch of convicts. Notre Dame: Returning to Glory since 1993.

A book I won't be reading

No Excuses: One Man's Incredible Rise Through the NFL to Head Coach of Notre Dame. The book is about Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis and his rise to cult-like figure in Notre Dame without actually accomplishng anything of significance. Charlie Weis' record at Notre Dame is 17-4 which is good but not great. His best win came agianst a Michigan team in 2005 that finished 7-5 on the year. He also almost beat USC. You know who else almost beat USC in 2005? Oregon and Arizona State. He has lost to Michigan State once and required a miracle comeback to beat them a second time. Michigan State lost by 30 to Indiana this weekend. Anyways, Charlie Weis is doing a decent job of winning football games with talent that he didn't recruit and a defense that can't really stop anybody decent.

For more on why Charlie Weis deserves less praise see DJ Gallo and Stewart Mandel.

Weekend In Review

1. Michigan Wolverines- Handled the uniquely named "Wildcats" of Norhtwestern. Only 3 weeks to go before the "most meaningful event that has ever happened since time began." I am holding my breath.

2. Da Bears- A truly dominating performance for a truly dominant team. The 49ers are who we thought they were.

3.Halloween- I went to a pleasant Halloween party dressed as the guy who doesn't wear a costume. Much merriment was had.

4.Election 2006Only a week to go. Will the Democrats regain both chambers of Congress? Will Osama make an appearence? Who is Al-Qaeda voting for? Who really represents American values? We shall find out on November 7.

5.A new team member- Everyone welcome new team member, Gsus. He is an accomplished yearbook writer and his concise, succint, cohesive writing style should enhance the content of this blog immensely.

6.English Phrases-I resent how certain people living abroad in London sign their emails, "Cheers" and refer to the US as the "States." It's "thanks" and the "The United States of America and it's outlying terriotories", not the "States." Further use of these phrases will result in *grave* consequences. You have been warned.

Da Bears

FIle under: TMI

It's an overheard in the office spectacular today. For the second time in a week, a 40 something year-old woman has told me, "I'm glad that it's getting colder outside. It's so much worse when it's warm. You know...with the hot flashes and all."

No. No I dont know. And neither did I want to know. I don't think she'd appreciate me saying things like, "I'm glad that I'm eating more fiber. You know...with the regular pooping. Although sometimes I have too much and it's like a bunker busting bomb went off in the toilet."

Heard in the Office

"What is the Soviet Union called now? Is it still called the USSR? I thought that changed a while ago." said on 10/26/2006

and no, I'm not cucking any stool here. This actually happened.

*quietly whimpering about state of country*

The Definition of Non-Fiction

My supervisor was talking about what books she likes to read. She mentioned she enjoys "Christian Fiction", so I asked if she had read the "Left Behind" series. Left Behind is the immensely popular series where the rapture occurs and the people left behind have to fight the antichrist(who is the head of the UN) before Jesus returns to establish his kingdom on Earth. This was my supervisor's assessment of the books:

"What is great about the books is that they closely follow the scripture in the Bible and Revelations so there is a non-fiction aspect to the books. It also has interesting characters and monsters so I am kept up late at night reading it."

Revelations? Non-fiction? At best Revelations is a prophecy that has yet to come true; at worst it is a poorly written story that makes Dan Brown look like a great writer.

Apparently, there are also "Christian Mysteries" that my aunt likes to read. I think they mostly involve finding out who cucked stool in the holy water.

Washington's Last Words

Guest post by Tony. (Anyone who want anything posted, just email it to me. This blog is read by tens of people, TENS!)

A large friend of mine who was formerly in possesion of a high voice mentioned an interesting fact to me today. He informed me of the words President and Badass George Washington uttered with his dying breath. These words, "I die hard but am not afraid to go," got me thinking. What exactly did Washington mean when he said die hard? Here is what I and a few comrades have produced.

1. He was just, as usual, being a complete badass and facing his own mortality like a true man.

2. He possessed the power of time travel, like many of our founding fathers, and had gone forth 200 years and viewed the Die Hard trilogy.He thoroughly enjoyed these classic pieces of American film and felt that the title would fit excellently in his last words.

3. Much like the previous, he has seen the Die Hard films, but felt threatened by Bruce Willis' insane amount of badassery in those movies and decided to beat him to the punch by using the phrase 200 years before the movie came out.

4. He was aroused by the sight of an attractive nurse and was just letting people know.

Here is a ridiculous song and video about George Washington.

Coming Soon: Jewel of Nepal, MD

So apparently there is a city in Pennsylvania named King of Prussia:

King of Prussia was settled by Welsh immigrants in the early 1700’s who originally called it Reeseville, after a prominent family who owned much of the land. During the later part of the 18th century it became common to refer to the area as King of Prussia, after a tavern by that name operated by the Reese family. That may be the only piece of the puzzle which is certain; the exact date when the tavern was established, and the political reasons behind the name, are clouded by time.

I now have another new goal in life: Get a town named after a bar that I found. The bar's name: Jewel of Nepal. Serving only the finest in cognacs and Heineken, this bar will attract those seeking more meaning in their lives. Now I just need to learn how to make momos.

Better Living Through Chemistry

The Washington Post has a great article today about an "Athiest Evangelist." This guy is really some sort of something. He is a very militant athiest who believes all should reject god. How did come to these conclusions?

What he'll say is this: At age 19, he and a college friend tried MDMA, better known as ecstasy, and the experience altered his view of the role that love could play in the world. ("I realized that it was possible to be a human being who wished others well all the time, reflexively.") He dropped out of Stanford, where he was an English major, in his sophomore year and started to study Buddhism and meditation. He flew around the country and around the world, to places such as India and Nepal, often for silent retreats that went on for months. One of his teachers was Sharon Salzberg, a co-founder of the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Mass. Harris stood out, she recalls, not just because of his relative youth -- everyone else was a generation older -- but because of his intensity.

"His passion was for deep philosophical questions, and he could talk for hours and hours," Salzberg recalls. "Sometimes you'd want to say to him, 'What about the Yankees?' or 'Look at the leaves, they're changing color!' " At the time, he was supported financially by his mother, though he did work for one memorable three-week stint in the security detail assigned to the Dalai Lama.

"You walk into a room and everyone is beaming good vibes," he recalls, "and I'm looking for dangerous lunatics. I wouldn't recommend it."

What an intense guy! I think he and Jack Bauer are the two most intense people (fictional or non-fictional) on the planet. If you want to get his feelings of love though, you don't have to take MDMA. I get those feelings by eating Chipotle.

BTW, Daylight Savings Time exists because Jack Bauer needed an extra hour.

Cucking Stool

As I was looking up the etymology for the word "stool" I discovered something even more awesome. In England, there used to be a device called the cucking stool:

The cucking-stool or Stool of Repentance, is of very ancient date, and was used by the Saxons, who called it the scealding or scolding stool. It is mentioned in Domesday Book as in use at Chester, being called cathedra stercoris, a name which seems to confirm the first of the derivations suggested in the footnote below. Tied to this stool the woman, her head and feet bare, was publicly exposed at her door or paraded through the streets amidst the jeers of the crowd.

The term cucking-stool is known to have been in use from about 1215. It means literally "defecation chair", as its name is derived from the old verb cukken which means "to defecate", rather than, as popularly believed, from the word cuckold. Commodes or chamber pots were often used as cucking-stools, hence the name.

The cucking-stool could be used for both sexes - indeed, unruly married couples were occasionally bound back-to-back and ducked (dunked). The device was most commonly used for the punishment of dishonest brewers and bakers.

How awesome is the phrase "cucking stool?" So sweet. Anyways, I propose to redefine the meaning of the phrase a bit. Instead of a noun, it will now be a verbal phrase with a meaning similar to BS.
Ex."Boy that last paper I wrote was so bad. I was cucking stool all over the place."
"No way did the Bears beat the Cardinals. You're cucking some serious stool."

I will definitely use this phrase ad infinitum.

Now a somewhat off topic joke.
One English pub owner asked another more successful pub owner:
"Why does your pub get so much business?"
The other pub owner replied:
"It's my bloody stools. The customers just love sitting on my bloody stools."

Breaking NEWS!

So right now, President Bush is giving a press conference. MSNBC.com, CNN.com, and FOXNEWS.com all have breaking news banners on their websites. All the banners feature an aspect of the press conference. Let us examine the various websites.

Fox News:

"Bush Declares Defeating Islamic Extremists is "Challenge of our Time.'




CNN:

"Withdrawing on an artificial timetable means we lose" in Iraq, President Bush said.




MSNBC:

Bush says speacial panel will take 'fresh look' at Iraq strategy.





Which of the preceding websites is correct in proclaiming breaking news?
Not Fox:

Bush said the "calling of our generation" is the fight between extremism and the "peaceful majority." (9/19/2006)

Not CNN:

"Why would you say to the enemy, 'Here's a timetable. Just go ahead and wait us out?' It doesn't make any sense to have a timetable," president Bush said. "You know, if you give a timetable, you are conceding too much to the enemy. And this is an enemy that will be defeated."

President Bush says the best way to honor the more than 1,700 Americans who have been killed in Iraq is to complete the mission.(6/24/2006)

The only breaking news is that Bush has another special panel to look at Iraq. Interesting that Fox and CNN decided that Bush rehashing old ideas counted as "Breaking News." Perhaps they don't realize that you can't spell "news" without "new."

On the Need for Educational Reform

Today, is donut day at the office. It happens every month where the boss goes and buys Krispy Kremes. As I was going to the back to get a donut today, a coworker jokingly stated that only employees who had worked on a certain project get donuts, and since I didn't work on it, I don't get any. However, I expalined that I had printed off a spreadsheet for the project this morning because someone was sick, so I get a donut. She scoffed and said that I was getting a donut by default and didn't really deserve one. I responded, "Those are the two sweetest words in the English language: de-fault." None of the six people in the room got the joke, and these people are all in their twenties.

I was referencing the classic Simpsons episode where Homer goes into space only because Barney drops out at the last minute because he starts drinking again.

Scientist: [resigned] Well, Homer, I guess you're the winner by default.
Homer: Default? Woo hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language: de-fault! De-fault! De-fault!

It's so frustrating to pull out these genius references only to have them go unappreciated. And what's even worse is the knowledge that any other Simpsons references will go unappreciated as well. This greatly reduces my humor repetoire. Therefore I propose, all episodes from seasons 1-11 of the Simpsons should be mandatory viewing in schools. This law should apply retroactively to people who have already graduated so that they don't miss out on the cultural touchstone that is The Simpsons. It is truly tragic that something so funny, so clever, so genius could go unappreciated.

The Google

He's done it again! Nerds and bloggers rejoice!

Thanks to Bryon "I like my meat bloody" Fong for that one. Fong is incredulous as to how Bush can't remember the name of the program "Google Map." I wonder the same thing about my father when he calls me by my brother's name. I think its old age.

For added good measure for those of you who don't remember back to 2004:

God created the Sherpa

One wonders whether God created the rest of the Nepalese people as well.


To certain half-Chinese able-bodied young men I know, this could be you.

Niche vs. Crevasse

One constantly hears about needing to find "one's niche." I would prefer to find my crevasse. For those not a verbally verbose as I(mmm...redundant alliteration), a niche is, literally, a shallow recess in a wall. A crevasse is a crack or fissure in a glacier.

Why a crevasse and not a niche? First, a niche is shallow and I don't want to be shallow. I want to be deep and impossible to patch up with caulk. Second, a wall can be easly broken by man, thus collapsing my shallow recess. A crevasse, however, only deepens with time and a when a glacier melts, the crevasse gets larger. Lastly, a niche makes it sound like I'm just another brick in the wall, whereas being a crevasse is more like being a rock, an island.

Therefore, from now on, I am not searching for my niche. I am searching for my crevasse.

Straying from the Course

This Post Article is priceless for so many reasons. President Bush is abandoning the rhetoric of "Stay the Course" as in "We have to stay the course in Iraq." This, of course, is just par for the course for this administration.

The president has shifted language on Iraq before. At a news conference in August, he returned to his prewar argument that Saddam Hussein harbored terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Hussein "had relations with Zarqawi," Bush said. Weeks later, the Senate intelligence committee concluded that Hussein "did not have a relationship, harbor or turn a blind eye to Zarqawi" and that the U.S. government knew that before the invasion. At his next news conference, Bush was asked about that. "I never said there was an operational relationship," he said.

"I never had *operational* relations with that man, Mr. Zarqawi."-Saddam Hussein.

"Stay the course" has worked well for Bush in the past, but now a new course of action in political rhetoric is needed.

Bush used "stay the course" until recent weeks when it became clear that it was becoming a political problem. "The characterization of, you know, 'it's stay the course' is about a quarter right," Bush complained at an Oct. 11 news conference. " 'Stay the course' means keep doing what you're doing. My attitude is: Don't do what you're doing if it's not working -- change. 'Stay the course' also means don't leave before the job is done."

It's a lot funnier if you imagine David Brent saying it, with appropriate hand gestures. In fact, David Brent would make a great press secretary for President Bush. The internal contradictions, the non-sensical analogies, the misinterpretation of historical comparisions...it's a perfect fit.

In the dinner of the political sloganeering, "stay the course" has been the main course for Republicans for 3 years. While easy to make and filling, it has begun giving people indigestion. It is time for a new recipe.

Senator Joe Biden

Delaware's favorite son is running for President in 2008 and I think everyone should know a little about Joltin' Joe Biden.

First, a video tribute to the Senator. My favorite part occurs at 2:36. And turn those speakers up!


Next, Joe (with his good friend Chuck) speaking very sanely about the Iraq War:

Biden in 2008- Because Delaware knows best.

The Most Versatile Word in the English Language

The F word. It can do almost anything. No ohter word even apporaches its ability to play any role. It's like the 1997 Charles Woodson of the English Language.

Example: Who the f*ck is that f*ckin' f*ck f*ckin' f*uckin'?
Translation: Who the heck is that gosh darn guy having relations with?

In the example sentnece alone, the F word is used as a(in order), emphasizer, adjective, noun, adverb, verb. Completely crazy. 5 lexical categories-one sentence-one word. Unbelievable. Show me another word that can do that. Oh wait, that's right, you f*cking can't.

A Nadir In Writing

Boy, I am ever angry after reading Sebastian Mallaby's latest so-called "opinion piece," "A Nadir of U.S. Power". He argues that US power it as its lowest point since Reagan took office in 1981.

But has there been a worse moment for American power since Ronald Reagan celebrated morning in America almost a quarter of a century ago? I can't think of one.

So many ways to criticize this, so little time.

First, let's examine the man himself. Just look at him, Sir Nerdlington. So pretentious. Just look at that knowing half-smile on his lips that just screams, "I know I'm better than you." Just makes you want to punch him the face and then spit in his eye.

Second, the title, "A Nadir in US Power." Anytime I have to look up a word in a op-ed title I know I am in trouble. Nadir, according to the dictionary, means the low point. But when I looked up the etymology of the word, I discovered something quite disturbing:

nadir
c.1391, in astronomical sense, from M.L. nadir, from Arabic nazir "opposite to," in nazir as-samt, lit. "opposite of the zenith," from nazir "opposite" + as-samt "zenith" (see zenith). Transf. sense of "lowest point (of anything)" is first recorded 1793.

The word comes from Arabic. Talk about sympathizing with enemy--using words that are derived from their language. I'll bet he uses a base-10 number system as well. Might as well change his name to Sebastian Mallaby-al-Husssein.

Thirdly I can think of a number of examples where US power was in worse condition.
1. When Bill Clinton had sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky.
2. When Bill Clinton proposed "Hilarycare."
3. When Bill Clinton bombed Kosovo.
4. When Bill Clinton let Osama Bin Laden live.
5. When Bill Clinton shut down the Federal Government.
6. When Bill Clinton got elected.
7. When Bill Clinton got reelected.

And the list goes on and on and on.

Anyways, Mallaby, you are so wrong it's not even funny. It is morning in America, and in a week morning will come even earlier.

Weekend in Review

1. Michigan Wolverines. In beating Iowa, they now have a clear path before meeting a certain team from Ohio in what will be the biggest game in the history of the world ever. For those of you not from the Midwest or not from this country, I guess you won't understand the magnitude of this game until the papers declare on Nov. 19 that "Columbus, Ohio/Ann Arbor, Michigan has been burnt to the ground in all night riot."

2. Da Bears. Sucessfully defeated the dreaded Bye week 142-0. Rex Grossman was held to 10 tochdown passes however.

3. Klingons. I saw a woman on Saturday who would have been very attractive had she not had a gigantic forehead. If she were a Klingon, however, I would, to quote Bill O'Reilly, "Bang, bang, bang...pounded, pounded pounded."

4. There is a middle eastern restaurant near where I live that has a belly dancer every Saturday night. The first time I saw it, the woman was in her 20's, had a guy playing guitar, and used a sword in the dance. Last Saturday, the woman was in her 40's (at least), worked off a tape, and used a cane in the dance. And no I'm not kidding.

5. Lastly, a video for the Weird Al song, "You're Pitiful." The video is not by Al because James Blunt's record label won't let him release it as a single.

Because You Really Wanted To Know

Cuckold:
c.1250, from O.Fr. cucuault, from cucu (see cuckoo) + pejorative suffix. So called from the female bird's alleged habit of changing mates, or her authentic habit of leaving eggs in another bird's nest. The verb is 1589, from the noun.

A Man's Man

A departed genius, Dr. Tobias Funke.

Clash of the Titans

This question has been bugging me for a while: Who would win a fight: the Nepali or Mike Ditka? Let's break it down:

Physical Prowess

Ditka: 66 years old, 6'3" 250 pounds.

Nepali: 5'11"(not 6 feet, no matter what how much that is insisted), slightly chubby

Advantage: Ditka

Current Job

Ditka: Football analyst for ESPN. Spends most of the day arguing with Michael Irvin over who is better: Da Bears or "TO and my 'Boys."

Nepali: Ruler over all that he sees and then some.

Advantage: Nepali

Greatest Acoomplishment

Ditka: Coaching the Bears to a Super Bowl title in 1985.

Nepali:Defeating Darth Malak and taking over the Starforge in Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.

Advantage: Ditka

Mental Prowess

Ditka: Graduated from the University of Pittsburgh. Traded all his draft picks for Ricky Williams.

Nepali: Has memorized every Jackie Chan movie.

Advantage: Nepali

Debating Tactics

Ditka: "See that! That's your IQ buddy, ZERO!"

Nepali: "You're being Naive!"

Advantage: Ditka

Greatest Talent

Ditka: Hall of Fame tight end.

Nepali: Could beat me at Halo every time.

Advantage: Nepali

Languages Spoken

Ditka: English, Footballese

Nepali: English(sometimes), Nepali, some ethnic dialect, Hindi, Spanish

Advantage: Nepali

Facial Hair

Ditka: Really awesome moustache.

Nepali: Sometimes gets a little fuzzy after a few weeks of not shaving.

Advantage: Ditka

Overall, I can't decide. It's been vexing me all week. Can anyone help me out?

Da Bears

Da Ditka

Bush just closes his eyes and thinks of the children

This exchange took place in a recent interview President Bush had with Bill O'Reilly:

O'REILLY: OK. Seven days a week — bang, bang, bang. You're in the most intense time — one of the most intense times in U.S. history. And then you're getting pounded day after day after day — pounded, pounded, pounded. How do you process that?

BUSH: I believe in what I'm doing. If I didn't believe in what I'm doing, I guess the pounding would end up affecting me. But when you believe in your soul, in the very fiber of your system, that taking on these extremists and radicals in the Middle East is necessary to have peace in the long run for our children, then you move on.

Boy being the President sounds worse than being in prison.

Porn, Gambling, and Video Games

So my computer at work has a webblocker that restricts my access to various websites. I have found that it blocks any website that has to do with gambling, adult content, or video games. Why video games? I can't even visit gamespot.com to get my video game news. So irritating. The site doesn't even have games that I can play on it. So stupid. I need my Halo news. I also want to abuse the high-speed connection in streaming HD video game videos. My lame cable modem at home can't handle it.

In addition, I want to know if they'll use my suggestion to make this cat a playable character in Halo 3.

What do I think about this video?

Nothing much...



...just that it's sick.

A Country Embodied

The following is a description of of Nepal:

Draped along the spine of the Himalaya, Nepal is a land of sublime scenery, time-worn temples, and some of the best hiking trails on earth. It's a poor country, but it is rich in scenic splendour and cultural treasures. The kingdom has long exerted a pull on the Western imagination.

It's the kind of country that lingers in your dreams long after you leave it. This is why so many travellers are drawn back to Nepal, armed the second time round with a greater appreciation of its natural and cultural complexity, a stout pair of walking boots and a desire for sculpted calf muscles.

The embodiment of the American spirit is a common phrase when describing someone who has suffered hardship but has now achieved some measure of success, preferably by taking risks and working hard. The spirit of Nepal is most obviously embodied by my good friend, whom I refer to as "the Nepali." Observe:

Draped along the back of his chair, the Nepali is a man of sublime build, time-worn temples, and owner of some of the best undershirts on Earth. He is a rich man, and is rich in rhetorical splendour, and oratory treasures. This man has long exerted a pull on the Western imagination.

He's the kind of person that lingers in your dreams long after you meet him. This is why so many people are drawn back to him, armed the second time around with a greater appreciation of his natural and cultural complexity, a stout pair of Heinekens, and a desire for sculpted pearls of wisdom.

File under: TMI

So I was at a meeting yesterday where people had to introduce themselves and tell the group about a couple of their hobbies. The second person to go was a 50-something *large* African-American woman. She said that she enjoyed crossword puzzles and knitting. She then mentioned that she would say more but she wanted to keep things g-rated because of all the young people in the room and by "young," I mean early twenties.

After some prodding by other people in the group, she announced that what she really likes to do is to go skinny-dipping, and that many people can't handle a "full-figured" woman going skinny dipping. She doesn't like streaking because she can't run fast enough.

l=Later, when I introduced myself, I said that I enjoyed anything as long as it can be done while sitting on a couch, e.g. watching TV, playing guitar, eating...etc. The woman who spoke earlier than piped in with "Ohhhh, I like you," and then laughed suggestively. The horror. The horror.

Live Free or Die Hard

Well, they are finally doing it. They are making a Die Hard IV. The title is a pun on New Hampshire's state motto "Live free or die." (My father said that New Hampshirites were just abiding by their motto when they voted for Bush in 2000. I think he was wrong.)

Yes the movie stars Bruce Willis. The plot involves terrorists and computers and shooting and swearing and sweating. It's coming out next year. However, now is the time to resolve the eternal debate: Which is the best Die Hard movie? Die Hard has Alan Rickman has Hans Gruber, Sgt. Al Powell and Ellis, the coked-out yuppy. Die Hard 2 has John Amos, Dennis "It's time to kick ass" Franz, and a villain who is gratiously naked in the opening scene. Die Hard with a Vengence has the one and only Samuel L. "Black Guy with Black Problems" Jackson.

I report, you decide.

Which is the best Die Hard?
	Die Hard
	Die Hard II: Die Harder
	Die Hard with a Vengeance
	Under Siege: Die Hard on a Boat
	Under Siege II: Die Hard on a Train
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Office Decorations

Thanks to a certain person who likes his meat bloody, I now have a poster of the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D prominently and proudly displayed in my cublicle. It is located directly above the poster of David Brent. While the Enterprise encourages me "To boldly go where no man has gone before," David Brent helps keep me grounded with his pearls of wisdom, such as, "A philosopher once wrote you need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship, two, a decent job of work, and three, to make a difference. And it was always that third one that stressed me, to make a difference. And I realise that I do. Every day, we all do. It's how we interact, with our fellow man."

Overheard in the Office

"I don't really watch a lot of comedy shows on TV anymore. They are too raunchy for my taste. I used to really like 'Everyone Loves Raymond,' even though I'm not married and therefore didn't get a lot of the inside jokes on the show."

*shocked and nepalled*

Iron Irony

This "iron" is not made of iron but of "platinum treated stainless steel." Steel is a composite metal of iron mixed with carbon. It should be called an "iron and carbon composite with some platinum."

*Reveling in the levels of irony*

Great Moments In Nepali History: Episode X

Continued from Episode IX.

Revenge of the Sith

The Nepali knew that he must avenge the dishonor that his roommate had shown him in laughing at the Nepali's execution of his joke. The Nepali also knew that he didn't pay enough attention to the roommate's everyday habits, thus leaving him without the knowledge to best achieve his revenge in a spectacular and meaningful way. He called the one person he knew he could trust to help him, the roommate's girlfriend.

Together they schemed. The plans ranged from simple (get him a extra-hot burrito and wathc him eat it and suffer) to elaborate (an series of lies to get him to show up somewhere and stand him up) to cruel and unusual (pee on his bed, set fire to his computer, and break his guitars). Eventually they decided on putting shaving cream in one of the roomate's most precious possessions, his L.L. Bean hiking boots. The girlfriend originally wanted to put shaving cream in the roommate's bed but the journey from the chair to the top bunk of the bed would have been too arduous.

So they sprayed the Edge Shaving Gel into the hiking boots. When the roommate saw them, the roommate shrugged his shoulders and said, "Meh." The Nepali could tell that it was all an act. The roommate was devastated. His most precious possession defiled. The Nepali leaned back in his chair with a smile of satisfaction. Like the USSR in WWII, he had lost the initial battle, but he had won the war.

Moral of the story: Revenge is a dish best served cold. With a side of momos.

Business Cliche

I just got back from a meeting where I was told that the most important thing in order for a business or agency to be effective is to have good people. The staff is what matters most. Not the computers, not the facilities, but the staff.

Just once, I'd like to see someone say that the computers are the most important thing. That would be awesome.

As David Brent put it:

"What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by seventeen per cent, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went, 'Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?', so. (beat) Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish."

Weekend in Review

Some poignant observations from my weekend that was:

Da Bears. Come back from 20 points down in 15:07 without scoring an offensive touchdown while turning the ball over six times. Unbelievable. I don't know what the best part was, Urlacher ripping the ball out of Edgerrin "Indy ain't so bad" James, Devin Hester faking half of the Cardinals out of their shoes, or Dennis Green's press conference meltdown. People will criticize Rex Grossman for turning the ball over 6 times, but he reminds me of a young Brett Favre, a cocksure gunslinger who loves playing the game but is prone to forcing the ball into coverage and fumbling. He kind of reminds me of a young Ryan Leaf as well now that I think about it.

Dennis Green, losing it:


Michigan Wolverines. The defense knocked out two Penn State quaterbacks on Saturday. Troy Smith, you are officialy on notice.

The Maryland DMV Vending Machine- Least healthy vending maching ever. The healthiest item was a bag of fried pork rinds. It had three kinds of donuts, both honey and sticky buns, and a host of other treats, none of which was less than 600 calories. It was quite the sight. Quite a fattening sight indeed.

Commonsensical. What a fantastic word! It's meaning is embedded in its construction. Genius!

Brechtian. I finally looked up what it meant for it seems to be the *it* word of the moment.

Brecht wanted the answer to Lenin’s question ‘Wie und was soll man lernen?’ ('How and what should we learn?'). He created an influential theory of theatre, the epic theatre, wherein a play should not cause the spectator to emotionally identify with the action before him or her, but should instead provoke rational self-reflection and a critical view of the actions on the stage. He believed that the experience of a climactic catharsis of emotion left an audience complacent. Instead, he wanted his audiences to use this critical perspective to identify social ills at work in the world and be moved to go forth from the theatre and effect change.

Hans Eisler has noted that these plays resemble political seminars[citation needed]. Brecht described them as "a collective political meeting" in which the audience is to participate actively. One sees in this model a rejection of the concept of the bureaucratic elite party where the politicians are to issue directives and control the behaviour of the masses.

For this purpose, Brecht employed the use of techniques that remind the spectator that the play is a representation of reality and not reality itself, which he called the Verfremdungseffekt (translated as distancing effect, estrangement effect, or alienation effect). Such techniques included the direct address by actors to the audience, transposition of text to third person or past tense, speaking the stage direction out loud, exaggerated, unnatural stage lighting, the use of song, and explanatory placards. By highlighting the constructed nature of the theatrical event, Brecht hoped to communicate that the audience's reality was, in fact a construction and, as such, was changeable.

My aim is for this blog to achieve Brechtian ideals by estranging the audience from the blog itself. Judging by my web traffic, it seems to be working.

Great Moments in Nepali History: Episode IX

Return of the Jedi

The Nepali awoke with gleam in his eye and a fire in his belly. After quenching the fire with a burrito, the Nepali proceeded to start on his master plan for the day. He had already beaten Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (KOTOR) 5 times but today he was going to do something special. He was going to game the game.

In the game, which takes about 20 hours to complete, you play a jedi who doesn't know who he is. About 2/3 through the game, the player realizes that his character is dark jedi named Revan who was captured and brainwashed to try to be good again. The Nepali had decided to name his character Revan at the beginning of the game, thus making the revealing of the character's true nature less dramatic.

He played all day and by the evening, his joke was set. He called his roommate to watch the TV screen as it was about to happen. The Nepali pressed the button and his charater's companion started to speak, "Reven, you are Revan."

The roommate started to laugh. "You spelled it wrong. How many times have you played this game? And you still got the name wrong? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The Nepali still thought it was funny, declaring his roommate to be stupid. Silently he swore revenge against his roommate.

To be continued...

Performance Evaluation

Just had my first performance evaluation. My supervisor said that she liked my sense of humor because it was so "real." Five minutes later, she asked what the paperclip made out of paperclips meant. I said, "It's a joke because the sum of the pieces form the whole which in turn resembles the individual of the pieces. It would be like a person made out of people."

She didn't get it. She thought I was trying to make a statement in that the ends of the paperclip paperclip didn't meet, thus saying something about the necessitiy for working as a team. I guess that joke wasn't "real" enough for her. She also refers to her parents in conversation as "Dad" and "Mom" without any aritcles, as in, "I talked to Dad earlier and he said I should switch to Verizion."
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*Slams head against desk in frustration*
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*Thinks of Nepal, immediately cheers up*

More Weather

Ok, so I have already destroyed the myth why that Chicago is worse to live than DC because it is colder. This next step is to prove that Chicago may actually be better place to live simply because it is a few degrees colder.

The follwing are precipatation tables:

Silver Spring, MD

Jan

Feb

Mar

Apr

May

Jun

Jul

Aug

Sep

Oct

Nov

Dec

Avg. High

41°

44°

55°

65°

75°

84°

87°

86°

78°

68°

57°

45°

Avg. Low

24°

26°

34°

42°

54°

62°

67°

65°

58°

46°

37°

28°

Mean

34°

35°

45°

54°

64°

74°

77°

76°

68°

57°

47°

37°

Avg. Precip.

3.0 in

2.9 in

3.3 in

3.3 in

4.4 in

3.7 in

4.0 in

4.4 in

3.6 in

3.3 in

3.4 in

3.3 in

Chicago, IL

Jan

Feb

Mar

Apr

May

Jun

Jul

Aug

Sep

Oct

Nov

Dec

Avg. High

31°

35°

46°

58°

70°

80°

84°

82°

76°

65°

50°

36°

Avg. Low

17°

22°

31°

41°

51°

60°

66°

65°

58°

47°

36°

24°

Mean

25°

28°

38°

50°

61°

71°

75°

74°

68°

56°

44°

30°

Avg. Precip.

1.9 in

1.6 in

2.9 in

3.8 in

3.6 in

4.1 in

3.8 in

3.9 in

3.5 in

2.4 in

3.1 in

2.8 in

What is the worst kind of weather in the world? Not snow, but freezing rain. Freezing rain is just terrible. It's cold, it's wet, it sucks. Guess where there is much more freezing rain? That's right, DC suburb, Silver Spring.

Look at Jan-March in particular. Silver Spring average temperature is above the freezing point of 32 degrees. Therefore, their precipatation on average is terrible freezing rain rather than Chicago's wonderful white puffy snow. I defy you to tell me that cold rain is better than snow. Plus Silver Spring has so much more of it than Chicago. Therefore, Chicago is actually more pleasant, weather-wise, than DC.

Game, set, match, championship for me. Boy, I feel like John Stossel or that guy that wrote Freakonomics (What is his name again? Apollo Creed?) shooting down all this conventional wisdom.

Diversity Guy

"Diversify your mind, immersify your hurt."

Such a biting parody.

Is this Irony?

This came out of a discussion on tennis that Chris and I had over at y2summer yesterday.

God made Eve for Adam out of his rib. Nowadays, some men get ribs removed so that they won't need women in order to...searching for proper euphemism..."clean the parking brake." Is this ironic? Disgusting? Stupid? Genius?

BTW, that euphemism came from the Best Euphemism Generator Ever.

Temperature Fallacies

So I have an ongoing debate with my *significant* other about whether Chicago is really colder than Washington, DC. Now I won't argue that Chicago, on average, is colder than Washington D.C., but is it really colder in a significant way. For example, is there really a difference between 50 and 55 degrees? In terms of global climate conditions, sure there is. In terms of actual day to day living in an urban area, I propose that there is no difference. At 50 degrees, you will be wearing the same clothes and doing the same things that you would be doing at 55 degrees. No difference.

("Significant Others" would make a great Lost episode title or an away message for when you are watching Lost e.g. "Spending time with my Siginificant Others." Hehehehe...some people will be hearing that ad nauseum on Wednesday.)

Let's break down the numbers:
Average Daily temperature in
Chicago:49.0 degrees
Washington DC: 53.8 degrees

Monthly Breakdown:

Average Annual Temperature:
Washington Average Annual Temperature (ºF)	53.8

Average Temperature by Month (ºF)
Jan.	Feb.	Mar.	Apr.	May.	Jun.	Jul.	Aug.	Sep.	Oct.	Nov.	Dec.
30.6	33.6	43.2	52.7	62.2	71.0	75.6	74.2	67.1	55.1	45.4	35.4

Average Annual Temperature:
Chicago Average Annual Temperature (ºF)	49.0

Average Temperature by Month (ºF)
Jan.	Feb.	Mar.	Apr.	May.	Jun.	Jul.	Aug.	Sep.	Oct.	Nov.	Dec.
21.0	25.4	37.2	48.6	58.9	68.6	73.2	71.7	64.4	52.8	40.0	26.6

As you can see, the only months that have temperature differences of more than 5 degrees are November through March meaning that Chicago's winter is colder. However, it's not like you are doing anything outside in the winter anyways. Whether it's 35 degrees or 20 degrees, it's still cold and you would prefer to be inside. Furthermore, no extra clothes are needed to make up that difference. Cold is cold.

I propose a new system of classifying the temperature:
Over 95:Go inside and crank the A/C.
65-95:Pleasant
40-65:Sweatshirt or light jacket weather
10-40:Bundle up, it's cold
10 or below: Stay inside and crank the heat. Use animals to warm you up if necessary.

By my new scale, DC and Chicago are classifed exactly the same. Therefore, there is no difference in teems of practical living when it comes to the temperature of the two cities. QED.