Requiem for a Dream

If I ever do any video editing and need a really intense song, it'll be this version of the theme from Requiem for a Dream, as shown in these two videos.





MMMmmmm...Bears and Half-Life. What if Gordon Freeman played football? Would he be better than Reggie Bush?

Lazy Scranton

How to do Nothing at Work and Still Get Paid

That is the title of this video.


I agree with most of the points raised. I most certainly keep a cluddered desk and I always set up my sick days beforehand. Just the other week I wanted to go to a St Patrick's day themed drinking fest on a Friday morning. So the day before, I started coughing and complaining about my allergies to my supervisor. When I called the next morning, she actually suggested that I not come into work. I have also used the bad reaction to food excuse, the take my girlfriend to the hospital excuse, the flu excuse, and of course the bad reaction to medicine excuse. Wow, I have taken a lot of sick days.

The best way to do nothing at work and still get paid, however, is to work in an industry that has no competitors, profits, and little accountability while still having an overblown budget that is paid by the whole country. Mmmmm, bureaucracy, the Eden of the lazy, overpaid employee.

Bored

I have been painfully bored the last two days (which is probably why I have resorted to blogging again).

I swear time is just craaawwwwlllliiiinnnnnnggggg by at the pace of a snail that is towing a sloth behind it while crossing a river of molasses in super slow-motion replay.

My Dwight Schrute bobblehead isn't even entertaining me at the moment. My life has lost all meaning.

The Trend Continues

The vanity plate-izing of the English language continues and Motorola is once again leading the charge. It has two new phones out the KRZR and the RISR.

What has happened to spelling and vowels in this country? I swear people soon won't speak English anymore; they'll speak NGLSH. And all the great novels will be written in SMS. The war on vowels must stop. Do it for the the children.

Guillermo Canas Must Be Taken With Food

While gearing up for the clay court season, Master of the Universe Roger Federer had this to say about his recent upset losses at the hands of Guillermo Canas:

"I think if I lost to two different players I would think I wasn't playing well, but with one guy I can think 'OK, this guy is on a roll'. It's just easier to digest."

Canas on a roll? I'd prefer him with a nice biscuit. That would make him much easier to digest in my opinion. What kind of biscuit? Is there any point even asking when the answer is oh, so obvious?

Catty Shack

My spuervisor has been up and down the cubicles today with pictures of her new apartment and her two cats who somehow managed to get into the ceiling boards. This is how she brought it up with me.

S:Hey John, one quick thing.

J:Yes.

S: (looks puzzled) Oh wow I totally forgot what I was going to say. I've just been so tired. (looks at me with anticipatory look on her face)

J: (with a resigned expression as eyes glaze over) Why are you so tired?

S: (very perky) Well it's my darn cats...blah blah blah...and here I have pictures on my cell phone...blah blah blah...my cats are just crazy.(15 minutes elaspe)

J: Oh wow, maybe you should just put them down. Just kidding. Heh.

And then she moves onto the next helpless victim.

If I ever spend 3 hours of my day at the office talking about my cats when I am 43, please have me put down.

Because It Has Been Awhile

The whole movie is availiable on these fine internets right here right here.

A New Life Goal

to make this list.

Or I could go outside and play. Or better yet just watch TV all day.

The Gold Mine

My childhood dream has finally come true. Seasons 3-10 are required viewing for all that wish to speak me for now on. You have been warned.

Classless?

And I refer you to this post about the The Courage of the Saints.

"The Bears are who we thought they were."

There Are No Words

Mistress Distress

Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells has announced his retirement from football after 19 years in the league. Peter King describes his conversation with the man:

I called Bill Parcells on Saturday to say something I don't often say to anyone I cover. In fact, I don't remember ever saying it in 23 years covering the NFL.

"I really want you to coach one more year,'' I said to Parcells, whom I'm known since 1985, when I moved to New York to cover the Giants for Newsday. "You've got a quarterback you love, and you're having fun. I'd really love to be around that a little bit for one more year.''

"Maybe,'' he said. "You know, football's a powerful mistress, but the commitment is ... Well, it's a lot. Can you give what you know it'll take for 12 months? That's the question. These January-to-January deals are a pretty big undertaking. We'll see. But I don't think there'll be any shame if I say I can't do it anymore.''

First it's riduculous for a reporter to ask a coach to coach just one more year. So irritating.

Second the football as mistress analogy is hilarious. Football is something that you cheat on your wife with. It's something that is twelve months of hard, grueling work, and Bill just wasn't up for the job.("That's what she said") Bill you just need some Viagra or I guess since we are talking about the NFL, Levitra. Admitting you have football ED is the first step. Taking the proper steps to rectify the situation is the next.

I think both Peter King and most of Football America would urge Bill to consult his doctor and get ride those Cowboys all the way to the Super Bowl.

On Bathrooms

Why do they split bathrooms into men and women?

Is it because women can't use urinals and men don't need *sanitary napkins* (best eupheminism ever)?

Is it part of a social construct to emphasize the differences between men and women and thus further justify and enable our current patriarchical society? (To quote a bumber sticker I saw recently "I'll be a post-feminist when there is a post-patriarchry.")

Or is it because seeing or hearing or being in the presence of the opposite sex relieving themselves on a daily basis would reduce the attractiveness and allure of the opposite sex for 95% percent of the population thus ensuring that only perverts who like a *golden* shower or *Cleveland Steamer* would reproduce? And if the latter is the case wouldn't homosexuals almost prefer to use the bathroom of the opposite sex?

Just some things that I have been thinking about.

Oh and by the way, if I may my reappropriate the wise words of famous rapper and a certain Nepali who enjoyed announcing his presence with the following phrase: "Guess who's back? Back again. I am back. Tell a friend."

The Greatest Website in the History of Man

Right here. I can't say enough about it. Just go. Trust me. It's completely safe for work and will alter your life forever.

Go already. Why are you still reading?!

Secret Santa

We did an office Secret Santa. I was under the impression that the point of a "Secret" Santa was that nobody knows who gave them what so that no feelings are hurt and no grudges are held. Well in my office the *secret* part is about as well-kept as the identity of Superman, in other words not all.

We all gathered around the conference table. The first person opened their gift, and immediately said, "Who gave this to me? I need to know. I love it." The giver then identified him/her/itself and the secret part was out the window.

My boss then proceeded to describe a joke he saw on the Mind of Mencia that was wholly inappropriate for an office setting. the punchline made fun of Koreans for eating dogs. I guess he thought since there are no asians in my office that it would be acceptable.

What did I get? I got this. What did I give? I gave this.
Both excellent presents indeed.

All in all, another awesome office experience.

No Words

1000th Visitor

Today at 3:00 AM (est) and 26 seconds, this blog had its one-thousandth visitor. And where was this visitor from...Nepal!!! How fitting! As a reward for being such a diligent reader, this person (and you know who you are) can write a post about whatever they want. (I'm assuming that it will be some very harsh criticsm deriding me for my lack of writing skills, my stupid humor, the lack of thought in the posts, the repetitive nature, how nobody ever comes to it, the fact that I'm American, how much I suck at Halo, my sexual preferences, etc.)

Anyways, it's not a heaping plate of wonderfully delicious momos but it could be the second best reward out there.

Miscellania

Today I thought of the phrase, "Spite is the fuel of genius."

I don't know how true this is. Why do I say fuel? Fuel is not a transformative substance but only something to get something started. Although there are other fuels for genius as well I think, e.g. football, anger, love, boredom. "Spite is a fuel of genius" might be a better saying. Thoughts?

Anyways, I also watched all 8 episodes of 30 Rock online today and got paid to do it. It was all right. Tracy Morgan was surprisingly tolerable and the show actually has some edge. I suggest episode 8, "The Break-Up" for its inappropriate skewering of Condoleeza Rice.

Speaking of TV, I was fortunate enought to view "My Boys" on TBS this week. It is set in Chicago and consistently makes references to the northern suburbs, or North Shore, where I grew up. That's cool but the references make no sense whatsoever. They claimed there is a great sushi restaurant in Skokie, that for some reason it's uncool to live in Glenview, and that Northbrook has some racy hotel where slick guys take girls to party. I am sorry, but the closest thing that Northbrook has to "racy" the Dick's sporting goods just because its name is Dick's. Bizarre.

Many blogs have things a device called an Open Thread where commentators can talk about whatever they want. If I ever started a *popular* blog, all my open threads would be O"Pun" Threads. I am determined to make this happen one day.

Mmmm...Cupcakes

I like to watch the O'Reilly factor for two reasons: 1. The War on Christmas segments and 2. The use of the term secular progressive. When Bill says etiher of these things, it touches me in places that one man should not touch another man. But now I have a third reason: Lessons in logical deduction.

The other night, Bill had on two proponents for same-sex parenting. Bill responded that same-sex parenting goes against nature:

You know the old commercial -- don't fool around with Mother Nature? What you're doing is you're taking Mother Nature and you're throwing it right out the window, and I just think it's crazy. I really do. And that's not based on religion or morals or -- Annie [sic], you're a good person, Norah's a good person. All right? But it's just that you say, "Hell with nature -- the hell with it. We're going to do what we want. It's just as good. And you guys are crazy." And that's what you're saying.

Bill further backed up his thesis that same-sex parenting was somehow unnatural with this logical gem:

You know, why wouldn't -- why wouldn't nature then make it that anybody could get pregnant by eating a cupcake?

To specify Bill analogy: Same-sex parenting is to heterosexual parenting as eating a cupcake is to getting pregnant.

It's genius. Absurdist genius.

Adjectives

I was fortunate enough to see the movie The Holiday over the weekend. It's a romantic comedy with (in order of stalkability) Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, and Jack Black. My verdict: It is what I thought it was. No suprises. Engaging cast. Not bad. Not great.

I went on Rottentomatoes.com to see what the critics thought and was particulary struck by one review, the New York Observer's Rex Reed who describes the movie as "so loaded with charm that it makes you glow all over and puts a smile in your heart." To describe a movie as "loaded with charm" instantly makes me want to see movie. This got me thinking to what other types of reviews would make me want to see the movie. Here are my top 5:

5. "Packed with so much vein-popping adrenaline that it makes crystal meth feel like a cup of coffee."

4. "Loaded with so many laughs that your sides will literally split and begin to bleed."

3."Filled with sassy CGI talking animals with celebrity voices and a myriad of pop culture references that make it meanlingless after next year."

2."A movie that shows the gritty conflict between a idealistic young cop and the his fellow officers who are jaded by what they see in the line of duty."

1. "A film that is coated and dripping with delicious covering of wry irony that sardonically savages current American culture/poltics/people."

The Insanity Continues

She is at again. Using the fax machine to call a number that doesn't exist again and again and again. How is this possible? Seriously, some people just need to put down for the good of society.
.
.
.
Well, maybe not put down.

The Economics of Laundry

Over the weekend, I became engaged in a debate with my *significant* other, about how to properly handle my laundry. She wants me to fold, iron, organize and put away my laundry. I would prefer to use the laundry basket method, in that I just leave the clothes in the basket and iron them when neccessary.

She did not see the logic in my ways because we have different utility functions when it comes to laundry. She values the time she saves when it comes to picking out clothes to start the day more than the hour or two on a Saturday that it takes to organize the laundry. I, needless to say, value the Saturday hour more than the time it will take to gather my clothes for the day from the unorganized laundry basket.

She makes the argument that her way is better, when in truth, her way is better for her while my way is better for me. Like buying a video game system, her method is the PS3 while mine is the Xbox 360. They are each good in their own ways, just different priorites for different people.

Freedom to choose is what defines capitalism and by impinging my right to choose, my other behaved was being quite the communist.

Life Goals

1. I am debating on whether I should start telling people that my life goal is to be eventually recognized as a Messiah for at least 1 million people. I can't decide whether the amusement of saying it will outweigh the acrimony associated with making such a statement. Any thoughts?

2. Related to this first thought, I would like to create some sort of story, sentence, sketch, or situation that displays an infinite iterative irony where the levels of irony only expand as one delves deeper into the irony. An ambitious goal but one I hope to acheive before I pass. Perhaps then the cynics of the world will see me as their father, son, and ironic ghost and thus allowing me to achieve my first goal.

Marx was Merely Sleep-Deprived

Every moring when I am awakened by the beeping of my cellular phone, I think to myself there has to be something better.

Something better than the daily chore of going to work, doing whatever taks assigned to me, and heading back home for a couple of relaxation before heading to bed again. Is capitalism really the best way to divide resources? Can't I commit myself to a life of leisure while others work? Am I really doomed to the 9 to 5 existence? Is this all there is?

On the weekends, when I can get my full 8-10 hours of sleep, these questions never pop into my head. Therefore, I conclude that all bitching about the system stems from a lack of sleep. If the system desires to perpetuate itself, it should ensure that its citizens get more sleep. Therefore, I implore Congress to institute a 5 hour working day.

And seriously, a good 5 hours of work is all anybody really can possibly do in a day. I defy anyone to tell me that they really get more out of working 8 hours with a lunch break, and bitching to coworkers about their problems than with a solid 5 hours of work.