Apology

Sorry for the lack of content today, but Gsus and I are currently working on a big project that will be revealed within the next week. It is a project that will *hopefully* help protect the future for our children. I can't say anymore right now.

In addition, I have been deluged with work. But there will be a Great Moment in Nepali History tommorrow. This I vow.

One Word Movie Reviews

The Long Good Friday: Worthwhile.

Bottle Rocket: Representative.

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex: Uproarious.

Jackie Brown: Well-executed.

Joe Biden/ Chuck Hagel '08

Now that the 2006 midterms are over, it is time to focus on the next race, mainly the race for President in 2008. With the news that Republican Chuck Hagel is considering running, I am officially announcing my support for a bipartisian Joe Biden (D-DE)/Chuck Hagel (R-NE) Presidential ticket. Joe Biden has more experience than Chuck so he would run as the President, but in reality, they would be like "Co-Presidents."

While the idea of two of the more moderate candidates running for office may not excite the bases of either party, I think the American people would welcome their reasoned tones as a refreshing change to the current discourse that dominates the political landscape. Their experience and integrity would serve America well both domestically and abroad. Biden/Hagel: Making America Great in 2008. (Don't forget to get a a T-shirt.)

Ned Lamont's Concession Speech

There is a video floating around of Ned Lamont's private concession speech to his staff after he lost to Joe Lieberman in the general election for US Senator in Connecticut. Lamont had previously suprised Lieberman by winning the Democratic primary election but Lieberman was still able to win the general election by running as an Independent. The video has been yanked off Youtube but I saw it and it is something else. It looked like Ned was just speaking to his staff, when he suddenly exploded into a fit of anger. I managed to jot down what he said before the video was pulled. The following may shock some people so be warned:

Joe Lieberman is what we thought he was. He's what we thought he was. We ran agianst him in the primary season. Who the hell takes the primary like it's bullshit? Bullshit! We ran agianst him in the primary, everybody ran for 3 months. Joe Lieberman is who we thought he was! That's why we ran in the damn race. Now, (hits podium microphone with hand) if you want to elect him, then elect his ass. But he is who we thought he was. And we let him off the hook!

Boy, I always knew Lamont was part of the loony left, but I never expected a tirade like this.

Top 10 TV Catchphrases

This is my list of my top 10 TV catchphrases. This is of course limited to TV that I have seen so keep my age in mind.

10. "Serenity Now!" George, Kramer, Frank (Seinfeld)
9. "Ha, ha" Nelson Muntz (The Simpsons)
8. "Did I do that?" Steve Urkel (Family Matters)
7. "Excellent." Charles Montogomery Burns (The Simpsons)
6. "Whateva, I do what I want" -Eric Cartman (South Park)


5. "Mmm-hmm. Yup." Hank Hill (King of the Hill)
4. "Niles!" Frasier Crane (Frasier)
3. "Where's the bomb? WHERE'S IS THE BOMB!" Jack Bauer (24)
2. "Screw you guys. I'm going home." Eric Cartman (South Park)
1. "Woo Hoo!" Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

Working Hard or Hardly Working?

Well, this week is the one week a month that I actually have work to do so posting may be sporadic. I apologize for this in advance. Plus I have made myself quite ill from Tootsie Roll Pops. (Q: How many licks does it take to get the center of a Tootsie roll pop? A: None, if you bite)

Some points of interest:
Who is Potato Pete. and why is he taking credit for writing my blog? Potato Pete reveal yourself. I command thee. My email is in my profile.

Secondly, this list of the top 100 TV catchphrases is a tragedy. Only one phrase from the Simpsons?!?! ? The Simpsons should occupy at least 10 spots on the list. "Read my lips: No new taxes" made it?!?!?!?! C'mon. And where is the South Park? "Screw you guys, I'm going home" needs to be there.

Like the National Archives, Only More Important

I am proud to introduce The Great Moments in Nepali History Archive. From this page you will be able to relive all of the greatest moments in Nepal's rich and storied history. It will be permanently placed on the links sidebar. I tend to treat them like Psalms. An episode or two every day will get you headed in the right direction while teaching valuble life lessons.

Van Damne's Finest Hours: Part 1

This is Jean Claude Van Damne in one of his greater moments, screamin' and dancing like a maniac in the 80's movie Breakin'. Van Damne also recently lied about being featured in Rush Hour 3, having said that he was to play the villian, only to later admit that he was totally lying and is in no way involved in the project. If I were Belgium, which, unfortunately I am not, I would give him some sort of greatest living actor/citizen award.

Dennis Green Revisited

Like a fine wine, the above rant, which occurred after the Cardinals blew a 23-3 third quarter lead to the Chicago Bears to lose 24-23, has only gotten better with age. I have written it out in the form of a poem, as I believe that is what it truly is, a beautiful piece of poetry.

The Bears are what we thought they were.
They’re what we thought they were.

We played them in preseason.
Who the hell takes the third game of the preseason like it’s bullshit?
Bullshit!
We played them the third game;
Everybody played three quarters.
The Bears are who we thought they were!
And that’s why we took the damn field!

Now, if you want to crown ‘em,
Then crown their ass.
But they are who we thought they were!
And we let ‘em off the hook.

Some interesting observations can be made. Notice how after some verbal fumbling in the beginning, inspiration suddenly hits him. He doesn't garble his words once he gets started. Every word counts and there are no wasted lines. These are the hallmarks of true master poet. This is an inspired rant not unlike another inspired Book written out in verses.

Some may quibble with the additional line for the second "bullshit" but I believe this is the proper interpretation. He asks a rhetorical question and then answers it. To paraphrase "The Bears that the preseason doesn't matter. That's a load of crap."

Also, notice how he changes from the "Bears are WHAT we thought they were" to the "Bears are WHO we thought they were." Notice the rising anger and frustration in his voice when he changes to "Who." This is significant because it shows that Dennis Green not only knew what the Bears were as an team but knew who the Bears were to a man. Each member of the team is who he thought they were and yet the Cardinals lost.
They took the "damn field" because they knew exactly who each Bear was and how to perform best against each Bear. And yet they still "let 'em off the hook."

The Most Blunderful Time of The Year

I hate the Holiday season. Hollywood and the retail industry would have you believe that it is a time of magic and familial love and good-hearted consumerism. It is a time of family melodrama, crowded shopping malls, and an unhealthy desire to satiate other people with overpriced consumer products. A Christmas miracle is if a family get-together can be had without any hurt feelings. A magical holiday moment is finding a Playstation 3 on ebay for less than $1,000 dollars. It also is the coldest time of the year where going anywhere is an absolute pain the ass. Where the airport is crowded with people who are unfamiliar with how an airport operates. ("This electronic check-in device is confusing. Maybe if I make a big fuss and hold up the line, things will move faster.") Where planes and trains are packed full with sneezing, coughing adults not to mention a crying baby or ten.

People may say that I am being all "Bah, humbug!" about the holidays and that I am missing the true nature of family togetherness and all those "life lessons" that occur in Christmas movies when the family is only brought closer together after bungling the entire process. In reality, those lessons are never learned. Next year only manages to bring more drama and nobody ever enters the New Year wishing that they spent more time with their family. Why do you think there is so much drinking on New Year's eve? It's to erase the memories of the stressful past month.

(I will say this, however. To anybody that complains that uisng Santa Claus in ads is "commercializing Christmas" too much, please remember that Santa is inherently a commercial creation. Just be grateful you don't get commercials with Jesus imploring you to buy a Lexus to honor his birthday.)

(Disclaimer for my family: My Christmas's have been mostly pleasant. I am trying to speak for the masses here and am not basing my feelings on any particulary unpleasant memories of the holidays. And yes, I still want that Xbox 360. And not the "core edition." Spend the extra 100 dollars for the hard drive, OK? Thanks.

Peace in Nepal

It's finally happened. After 10 years of conflict, there is finally a peace deal. between the Maoists and the Government of the Kingdom of Nepal, the world's only Hindu country. The country may be getting a new name soon judging by the sentiment's of the people:

''The government has declared it a national day of celebration,'' said Tourism Minister Pradeep Gyawali, a member of the government negotiating team.

In the capital of Katmandu, thousands gathered in the heart of the city, waving banners and chanting slogans in celebration.

''Victory is ours! Long live people's democracy and peaceful Nepal!'' chanted the participants.

In the southern city of Bharatpur, hundreds gathered and chanted, ''Let there be permanent peace! No more autocracy! No more dictatorship!''

Potential new names for Nepal:
The People's Democracy and Peaceful Nepal
The Momo Republic of Nepal
The Democratic Republic Kingdom of Nepal
The Mountainous Republic of Nepal
The Piss Poor Land of Nepal
The Magic Kingdom of Nepal

It Would Be Funny If It Wasn't So Sad

The world of political music has tradtionally belonged to those aritists with leanings that are left of center on the politcal spectrum. Since 9/11, however, country artists have produced some pretty right of center music that has entered the mainstream. Toby "We'll put a boot in your ass, It's the American Way" Keith comes to mind. There is one band, though, that stands out from the rest. The Right Brothers. From their *seminal* work,"Bush Was Right," to my personal favorite, "The Illegals," this band rocks the conservative platform like no other. If there is one song that stands of from the rest, it is "Somewhere in Baghdad":

She looks up at the stars with wonder tonight
So thankful at last that they're free
A child in each arm, she holds them tight
And dreams about the future she thought they'd never see

Chorus
Somewhere in Baghdad
Her tears are falling but she isn't sad
'Cause her children will live a life that she never had
Somewhere in Baghdad

She can't believe the changes that she's seen
She's got a new job, a TV and a kitchen full of food
She'll be making lunches while the kids both sleep
'Cause tomorrow's the first day at their new school

Repeat Chorus

And her husband's been missing since 2001
Cause he spoke out against something Saddam Hussein had done
It's just been her and the kids barely getting by
Just when she thought all hope was gone help arrived

The only future Baghdad has in one ripped apart by sectarian violence. The only tears that will be shed are those of grief and horror. Imagining Baghdad as some sort of Americana scene is the Neoconservative wet dream that has driven our foreign policy for the past few years. I am sure this is the song Laura sings to George as a lullaby to help him sleep. To quote the great Nepali, the Right Brothers and the enitre administration that caused this mess "are being NAIVE!"

Today In Race Relations

-The White Scholarship: The Boston University College Republicans are offering a schlorship that is only availiable to people that are at least 1/4 Caucasian. I don't think there is any group of people on the planet that I hate more than College Republicans. It am reminded of that famous saying:

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains."

In other (less eloquent) words, College Republicans are major assholes.

-Michael Richards:His bizarre outburst in which he berated two heckling audience members with the "N"-word. No wonder "The Michael Richards Show" failed. Just look at the cast:

-OJ Simpson's "If I Did It...": Well, they cancelled OJ's book and TV special where he was going to "confess" to the double murder of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown. So disappointing. I have always been enamored with the whole OJ saga. Back when it happened, I used to go around the playground as a 5th grader chanting, "Lance. Lance. Lance, Lance. ITO!" and "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit." Last year, I even collaborated on a song that was performed only once about the Juice. The chorus was

Oh, OJ!
What have you done?
She and Ron were just having some fun.
Oh OJ!
Why did you do it?
This time your ass fuckin' blew it.

It was an epic song that ended up saying that the prosecution had tried to "crucify America's only son." Needless to say, the message of the song could best be described as "confused."

Inflated Sense of Accomplishment

"Cooking for Your Man" is blowing up big time. It is now on leading sportsblog Deadspin.com. Just remember where you heard about it first. This leads me to introduce a new motto to the site:

When bad quarterbacks' wives write cookbooks with socially regressive titles, you'll see it first at Almost Clever.

I really shouldn't be this pleased with myself, but I am.

Updated: Here is the Deadspin post:

It's important to remember your duties as the wife of an NFL quarterback. You're required to show up at charity functions, look the other way on those road trips, make sure your eye makeup is spackled on and, of course, making sure your fumbling, erratic husband is properly fed. Eventually, they'll even let you write a book about it, even if your husband happens to be Tony Banks.

"Because the recipes in Cooking for Your Man have passed the rigorous "Tony test," readers can be sure every course, from appetizers and salads to soups and stews, hearty entrees to luscious desserts, will be cheered by even the most finicky husband, boyfriend, dad, or brother. Illustrated with color photographs of a selection of the mouthwatering dishes as well as charming family photos, Cooking for Your Man sacks fussy, time-consuming food and turns any home cook into an MVP."

Best part? The lead blurb on the book is by none other than Drew Bledsoe's wife. ("My quiche is wonderfully disorienting!") Other testimonials were expected from the wife of Heath Shuler, from the wife of Ryan Leaf and from Kordell Stewart.

Ahhhhh...so much better written than my post. Oh well he gets paid to do that.

Chipotle

This ad is genius:


And yes I did start the Chipotle Lovers Facebook Group but I am in no way affliated with the company. I simply enjoy their massive burritos with their delicious savory meat and succulent guacomole. It's so good, I fear that it's like another delicious food that wasn't as it seemed.

(thanks to Bryon "I Like My Meat Medium Rare" Fong for the video)

The Perfect Holiday Gift

Who remembers Tony Banks? You know the former NFL quarteback who played for the Rams, Redskins, and Ravens? He fumbled a lot? Nothing. Ok, well his wife has written a cookbook, Coooking for your Man, that is the perfect gift for the lady in your life:

From helping out in the kitchen as a flour-smudged little girl to delighting her pro quarterback husband with a tasty repertoire of lovingly prepared dishes, Yolanda Banks has spent a lifetime perfecting the art of the home-cooked meal. In Cooking for Your Man, she shares a collection of wide-ranging recipes that any woman can dip into to spoil her husband, family, and friends on special occasions or as everyday treats.

This book will help any woman succeed in her proper sphere, the kitchen. And look at these glowing recommendations:

“After looking through the entire cookbook, I didn't find one recipe that I can't wait to try. Not only will my man enjoy this book, but my entire family will!”
—Maura Bledsoe, wife of Drew Bledsoe, quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys

Wow! Run, don't walk, to the nearest retailer to get this book. You'll find it next to Doing Laundry for Your Man and Raising the Children for Your Man.

Searching for Love in All the Wrong Places

Last night I had a special visitor:

11/20/06 19:07:33 - http://almostclever.blogspot.com/2006/11/great-moments-in-nepali-history_20.html
Referrer: nepali women (Google)

This person, presumably a Nepali, found my blog by googling "Nepali Women" in the Google Blogsearch.

That is funny in and of itself but the more hilarious part is that this searcher goes to Towson University in nearby Baltimore. The other Nepali, about whom Great Moments in Nepali History are about, had many friends up in Baltimore who went Towson. He stayed in Baltimore for an entire summer. Perhaps these two Nepalis know each other. I wonder if this searcher figured it out. Unfortunately, I'm guessing that from the 2 seconds the searcher spent on this site, he wasn't able to make the connection and quickly moved on in his search for pictures of Nepali women cooking momos to satisfy their men.

One Word Movie Reviews

These are reviews for movies I have seen recently:

All the President's Men: Relevant.

The Prestige: Tricky.

Casino Royale:Meh.

Borat:GENIUS!

Barry Lyndon:Sublime.

Serpico: Overdone.

The Departed:Wicked.

Easy Rider: Trippy.

Feel free to add your own.

Great Moments in Nepali History: Episode XII

Speaking Truth to Power

The Nepali sipped on his Jack Daniel's whiskey and leaned back on the couch. Although the glass he was drinking from was meant for a child and covered in circus animals, the alcohol in the glass had given him the courage to speak the words only a grown man could muster.

He had been in her apartment, watching her talk down to her boyfriend, the Nepali's roommate, for a few hours now and he knew that someone must stand up to her. The Nepali's roommate, like a beaten dog, took the abuse and could only muster a muted whimper in response. The Nepali had to take action on behalf of his friend, because it is the only honorable act for a friend to take. Since the Nepali knew the consequences of his actions would be harsh, it had taken a few glasses of liquid courage in order to get to the point where he could say what needed to be said.

Making sure that all could hear, the Nepali leaned forward and loudly pronounced, "I don't know much for I am but a mere, humble third-worlder, but I do know one thing for sure: Women belong in the kitchen!"

WHACK!

The blows came faster and harder than the Nepali expected. Even though the alcohol dulled his pain receptors, the Nepali felt he was being bruised quite badly. He steadfastly stood by his words though, and eventually the torrential downpour and punches subsided. Although he had been battered, the Nepali knew that he had acheived a great victory and earned the next sip of that delicious Tennessee flavor.

Moral of the Story: Women belong in the kitchen.

Very Petty Post

Every morning, before work, I like to have a banana. It settles my stomach and provides me with the energy needed to get my day going right. Since this week is a 3 day work week, I bought exactly 3 bananas for the week. (More than a banana in a day can lead to complications when you are on "the porcelian throne")

Much to my chagrin, my significant *other* ate one of my bananas this morning. This leaves me short one banana. And she knows that I need my bananas. I leave this message for her (even though she doesn't read this blog):

I will not forget this injustice. I may act like I have and pretend not to care, but I will have my revenge and it will be spectacular. So sleep with one eye open my friend, for I will be lying in wait...right next to you.

On College Towns

I was fortunate enough to get to journey to gorgeous Ann Arbor, Michigan a week ago. It was a fantastic time from what I can recall. (Word to the wise: Beer bongs should only be used sparingly and with great caution.) Thanks to all parties involved.

What I came away with most from the trip is how awesome a great college town can be. Going to school at Georgetown, I was not treated to the exprerience of a college town. The campus is right in the ritziest part of the city and most of the students are either in on-campus apartments or dorms. There is no sense of the University's presence once you leave the main gates.

Ann Arbor, however, is a completely different story. Most of the city of 115,000 revolves around the University of Michigan. There are 40,000 students who are enrolled in the school. The students are spread out throughout the entire area of the city. If you walk by a home in Ann Arbor, most likely it is occupied by students. Almost every shop in town has some sort of Wolverine connection and there is nothing more exciting than a football Saturday where the game is the only thing that could possibly matter. It is quite the different experience than one of an enclosed campus surrounded by people of extreme wealth. If I ever go back to school, I would most definitely prefer to go to a college town rather than a shopping district that also has a college nearby.

And the Beat Goes On...

The two people with cubicles adjacent to me are Corey and Adrian. Corey is a 34 year-old African-American male. Adrian is a 29 year-old African-American male as well. They have been friends since they were teenagers. Corey has made the bold claim that Jay-Z is the best MC to have ever walked the face of the earth. Over the past few weeks Corey and Adrian have been sharing their excitement over the new Jay-Z album on an almost daily basis.
An example:
A: Yo, Corey. Come check out track number 2. (Turns up sound on Speakers. Generic rap beat is heard)
C: MMMMmmm. Damn that's a good beat. (Jay-Z starts to rap.)
C: Ooohh...He's hitting that beat hard. MMMMMMm!
A: Did he just say, "I don't respect the person that got shot. I respect the shooter?" That's straight gangster.
C:I'm telling you man. Best MC ever. I'm gonna need new speakers in my car in order to listen to this properly.
A: Me too. I already done blew mine out listening to this.
C:Mmmmmm! Best ever, man. Best ever.

This type of exchange is not limited to one cultural group however. This is a conversation I had recently.

Me: Hey man. Check out Weird Al's new joint.
T: Whoa, sick slide whistle sound. He's pounding on the accordion hard.
Me: Did he just rhyme "fart" with "Mario Kart"? That's pure genius right there.
T: Crazy good. Weird Al is the best song parodier ever.
Me: Agreed.

This shows once again that for all the differences that may appear to be present, once one looks beneath the surface, the differences cease to exist.

Hiatus

Because I am feeling under the weather and can't think as cleverly as I should, I am taking a break from blogging. I will return on Monday, November 20 for a blogging spectacular with a new Great Moments in Nepali History. Thank you for your understanding. Gsus might post though so make sure to check back frequently and tell your friends.

Its Genius!

I was going through the motions while doing some math work today, and I realised that I needed a straight edge in order to graph one of the problems and complete the assignment. I asked around the lunch table to see if anyone had a straight edge, and although all of them probably did, none were offered up for my use. I then turned to my own bag and reached into the pile of loose papers and notebooks that it has become. I came up triumphant with a cd case, and began to draw the graph. As I was drawing, I noticed that the cd I was using as a strait edge was in fact the Minor Threat Discography. I explained the hilarity of this situation to my colleagues, and they chuckled, but found nowhere near as much amusement in the situation as I did.

And now, a poem:

Epigram for Wall Street
by Edgar Allan Poe

I'll tell you a plan for gaining wealth,
Better than banking, trade or leases —
Take a bank note and fold it up,
And then you will find your money in creases!
This wonderful plan, without danger or loss,
Keeps your cash in your hands, where nothing can trouble it;
And every time that you fold it across,
'Tis as plain as the light of the day that you double it!

Quantification

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

Is this Irony?

I was doing what I do when I'm bored. Searching the Online Etymology dictionary for anything that might be funny.
Check out the etymology for the word nuts:

"crazy," 1846, from earlier be nutts upon "be very fond of" (1785), which is possibly from nuts (n., pl.) "any source of pleasure" (1617), from nut (q.v.). Sense influenced probably by metaphoric application of nut to "head" (1846, e.g. to be off one's nut "be insane," 1860). Nut "crazy person, crank" is attested from 1903, (British form nutter first attested 1958). Connection with the slang "testicle" sense has tended to nudge it toward taboo. "On the N.B.C. network, it is forbidden to call any character a nut; you have to call him a screwball." ["New Yorker," Dec. 23, 1950] "Please eliminate the expression 'nuts to you' from Egbert's speech." [Request from the Hays Office regarding the script of "The Bank Dick," 1940] This desire for avoidance accounts for the euphemism nerts (c.1925). Nutty "crazy" is first attested 1898.

They demanded the removel of the word "nuts" from a script titled "The Bank Dick" because nuts is slang for tesiticles. The irony, of course being, that "dick" is slng for penis. It's unimaginable to have one without the other.

Irony? Or just plain stupid?

Tihar update

Well I have recieved more information on the Nepali festival of Tihar. This from a loyal reader:

"Bhai puja" is where sisters have to puja their brothers. Of course, they get compensation for this (each sis got i think 300 bucks from me while all I got was prayers and bananas).

(Puja means worship. Get your minds out of the gutter!)

Bananas are nothing to be scoffed at. They are literally worth their weight in gold. Or rupees. Or dollars.

A Tragic Figure

Now that the Senate election in Virginia has been called for Jim Webb, it is time to look back on the most tragic figure from this past election, George Allen.

George Allen just lost a Democrat who has only been a Democrat for 3 years, served in Reagan's administration, never has run for office, is a terrible campaigner (as evidenced by his victory proclamation), and as of 3 months ago, nobody knew who he was.

George Allen went from 2008 Presidential Candidate to out-of-work politician in the span of 3 months, all by his own hand. From the Macaca moment, to his recently discovered Jewish Heritage, to tackling people, Allen royally screwed up.

Perhaps the thing that sealed the deal, however, were Allen's own ads that attacked Jim Webb for Webb's novels about war. Allen criticized some of Webb's sexually explicit passages that were in the books that were based on events that Webb had personally seen. These ads were insulting to people's intelligence and ticked off more than a few veterans. If Allen had just shut up for the whole campaign, he probably would have still won. Instead he falls, mostly by his own hand. A tragedy that is very Sophoclean in nature indeed.

Santorumfreude

BREAKING NEWS!

Click on the image for a stark reminder that half the country doesn't vote. And there was a similar thing on cnn.com too so I don't mean to pick on only Fox.

The Chattering Class

I am getting tired of this argument:

Competence, of course, brings us back to Iraq. Apparently and unfortunately, President Bush is right that the Democrats have no "plan for victory." (Neither does he, of course. Nor, for that matter, do I. But I don't claim to have one. And I didn't start it.) For national security in general, the Democrats' plan is so according-to-type that you cringe with embarrassment: It's mostly about new cash benefits for veterans. Regarding Iraq specifically, the Democrats' plan has two parts. First, they want Iraqis to take on "primary responsibility for securing and governing their country." Then they want "responsible redeployment" (great euphemism) of American forces.

Older readers may recognize this formula. It's Vietnamization -- the Nixon-Kissinger plan for extracting us from a previous mistake. But Vietnamization was not a plan for victory. It was a plan for what was called "peace with honor" and is now known as "defeat."

Everybody wants Democrats to come up with a plan for Iraq when the Republicans don't have one either. Oh wait the Democrats do have a plan, Senator Joe Biden take it away:

There is a third way. The idea is to maintain a unified Iraq by decentralizing it and giving Kurds, Shiites and Sunnis their own regions. The central government would be responsible for common interests, like border security and the distribution of oil revenues. The plan would bind the Sunnis by guaranteeing them a proportionate share of oil revenues. It would increase economic aid but tie it to the protection of minority and women's rights and the creation of a jobs program. It would require a regional non-aggression pact, overseen by the U.N. Security Council. And it would allow us to responsibly withdraw most U.S. forces from Iraq by the end of 2007.

There is no silver bullet for "victory" in Iraq. In fact, victory may well be impossible to acheive. Get used to it. The Biden plan certainly seems reasonable enough for me. Vietnam was a tragic folly and so is Iraq. The sooner that is accepted, the sooner it can be fixed. Isn't not learning the lessons of history fun?

Stomach pains

Last night I ate what could best be described as "Mexican slurry." It was ground beef, sour cream, beans, and some other stuff topped with a heaping amount of cilantro and lime juice. Today my stomach is in armed open rebellion against me. Ughhhh....so painful. Never again.

Election Day

Everybody go VOTE! Or as Mayor Daley used to say, "Vote early and vote often."

"Boldly go and beat the Buckeyes."

Once again two of my favorite things combined to form a whole greater than the sum of its parts.

Tihar

Move over Chanukkah! There is a better festival of lights! The Nepali festival Tihar:

Tihar, the festival of lights is one of the most dazzling of all Hindu festivals. In this festival we worship Goddess Laxmi, the Goddess of wealth. During the festival all the houses in the city and villages are decorated with lit oil lamps. Thus during the night the entire village or city looks like a sparkling diamond. This festival is celebrated in five days starting from the thirteenth day of the waning moon in October. We also refer to tihar as 'Panchak Yama' which literally means 'the five days of the underworld lord'. We also worship 'yamaraj' in different forms in these five days. In other words this festival is meant for life and prosperity.

Goddess of wealth? Being Nepal(one of the poorest countries in the world) she must not be a very good goddess. Certainly not very generous. Also "Underworld Lord" must be a bad translation. I don't think that they worship of the movie Underworld.

(As an aside, this is how Underworld is described:

Underworld reimagines Vampires as a secretive clan of modern, aristocratic sophisticates whose mortal enemies are the Lycans (werewolves), a shrewd gang of street thugs who prowl the city's underbelly. The balance of power is upset when a beautiful young Vampire and a newly made Lycan (Vampires and Lycans being deadly rivals for centuries) fall in love.

It's Dracula meets Romeo and Juliet meets West Side Story meets Dracula 2000. So awesome.)

Back to Tihar. The following passage enlightened me as to the true nature of a certain Nepali friend of mine:

If you belong to the Newar community, you perform 'Mha puja' which literally means worshipping yourself. The newar community people are worshipping life by doing puja on themselves. On this very day the newar New Year also starts. Nepal has many minor community calendars and newar calendar is one of them but the nation follows the Bikram Sambat calendar.

It all makes so much sense now. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need go to puja myself.

Great Moments in Nepali History: Episode XI

What's in your wallet?

It was a typical night of merriment and revelry at the local wateringhole for the Nepali and his two friends. They had drank many pitchers of beer and the night was winding down.

In a move not atypical for him, one of the Nepali's drinking partners had gotten a bit too drunk and was getting impatient with waiting for the tab. In a an act of frustration and inebriation, he flung his credit card on the table and instructed the Nepali to sign for it when the bill came. Being a good freind, the Nepali agreed to the request.

After paying the bill with his freind's credit card, the Nepali knew that he needed a nightcap of nicotine in order to properly finish off the night. He also knew that he must teach his friend a lesson about giving out his credit card to people. His friend's parents had obviously failed him, and it was upto the Nepali to try to correct their negligence.

He headed off to the nearest gas station. Although he was slightly tipsy, he used the skills he honed growing up in the mountains of Nepal to successfully navigate down the harrowing flight of stairs that fed into the parking lot of the gas station.

Once inside, the Nepali asked for the best brand of cigarrettes availiable, "Benson & Hedges." Just as he was about to hand his friend's credit card to the cashier, the cashier asked for to see the Nepali's ID. Realizing that he had been foiled once again by his youthful good looks, the Nepali retrieved his driver's license and replaced his friend's credit card with one of his own.

Although he had to pay for the cigarrettes himself, the Nepali was still jolly and after a puff or two, slightly dizzy. He nonetheless vowed that he would, one day, teach his friend the lesson on fiscal responsibility because that is friends are for.

Moral of the story: If you buy a Nepali a beer, he is probably going to want some cigarrettes as well.

Most Hated Sports Fans: New York or Boston?

When it comes to professional sports, there are few things I hate more than fans of Boston or New York sports teams. But who do I hate more? A comparision must made by breaking down the fans into their respective teams:

Baseball
Boston Red Sox-I was happy when the Red Sox won the World Series. I thought it was neat and that the team was fun. However, the celebration by the Red Sox fans made me regret my decision to root for them. People acted like they were being freed from slavery. There was crying and books and much talk of suffering and sacrifices. And then next season it was back to the same whining and complaining. So irritiating.

New York Yankees- Any fans who boo A-Rod for no good reason don't deserve to be called good baseball fans. You have one of the best players ever to play the game and he has a bad season. Instead of supporting him, you tear him down. They say it is a badge of honor that New York is such a tough place to play. I call it a badge of stupidity. I also hate anybody abroad (esp. London) who wears a Yankees hat because they saw it worn in a music video and because they like New York. Word to the wise: New York ain't that great.

New York Mets- The higher class New York fans are still a bastion of hate and disappointment. However, they don't irk me like Yankees fans. I still enjoy seeing the Mets lose, however.

Basketball:

Boston Celtics-Maybe since the Celtics haven't mattered in so long, I don't really have any opinion about their fans. They haven't been shoved down my throat as much as the Red Sox and the Patriots. Does anybody speak with a Boston accent outside of Boston? Transplanted Bostonians that I know speak like normal people. It's all just an act to sound retahded. And "wicked" is one of the worst words in the English language.

New York Knicks- Boy, I love Isiah Thomas. Thank you for destroying the Knicks and turning them into a laughing stock. Nothing pleases me more than seeing Spike Lee disheartened and the hallowed grounds of the MSG sullied by this terrible team.

Football:
New York Jets-The stadium they play in is named after the other football team in the town. So sad. It's like the Cubs playing in White Sox stadium.

New York Giants-No real complaints here either. Compared to Redskins, Eagles, and Cowboy fans, they are the least annoying fans in their own division.

New England Patriots-Every year the Pats make a wise personnel decision. Every year every Patriot fan complains. Every year the Patriots win with a secondary carved off somebody else's practice squad. So every year Pat fans sound stupid.

In conclusion, I think I hate Boston fans more. I just can't stand to be in their presence. They feel like they have suffered more than anyone else and that they deserve to win. It's just sports. Get some perspective. Just because the Red Sox lost shouldn't ruin your day. You think Big Papi cares about your feelings? Manny? Jason Varitek? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Next week: Why I hate Philadelphia fans. Booing Santa Claus is not awesome. It is childish. Your greatest sports hero is a fictional boxer. Pathetic.

New Rule

From now on instead of saying the phrase, "Looks like," one must say "Bears an uncanny resemblence to."

Examples:
"Boy, that guy bears an uncanny resemblence to Jon Lovitz."
"Why did you do that? Do you think I bear an uncanny resemblence to an idiot?"

Using this phrase will liven up your lexicon and contribute greatly to your conversations.

I am an addict

I am addicted to the internet:

1. Lying about how much time is spent online.
2. General decrease of physical activity and social life.
3. Neglecting obligations at home, work, or school to spend time online.
4. Spending too much money on computer equipment or Internet activities.
5. Feeling a constant desire to be online when they're away from the computer.
6. Going online to escape real world problems.
7. Disregarding the emotional or physical consequences of being in front of a computer all day.
8. Denial of the problem.

Let's run down the symptoms for me.
1. I say I spend 8 hours a day online when I really only spend like 5.
2 Since starting employment in July, my social life and physical activity have come to a grinding halt.
3. I sometimes forget to call my parents because I have emailed them.
4. I keep spending way too much online. Heating bill, cell phone bill...when will my madness end?
5. I yearn to lay with my computer at all times.
6. I consistently escape the real world and go online and read about politcs for hours on end.
7. I don't know what these are but yes I am disregarding them.
8. I don't think I am addicted to the internet.

Whoa, I am really addicted. Maybe I should seek help. Or maybe I should just watch more TV. At least I am only addicted to the one internet and not the many other internets that to which I could be addicted.

I Wonder If There Was a Happy Ending?

The Scary Thing is That This Didn't Strike Me as Strange at First

Yesterday my supervisor, a 40-something year-old woman, came back from a meeting. She checked her email, gasped, and immediately rushed out of the office. 20 minutes later she came back down to tell me what the deal was:

"I received an email from my ex (who works upstairs) with the subject line of 'Who is that hottie?' Inside was a picture of me in my Star Trek uniform from 2 years ago. I was so mad I had to go talk to him."

I never did get to see the picture.

Or As I Like to Call Them: Sterry Manibert

Sometimes my dreams do come true.

E-Voting Ridiculousness

Yes, there have been extensive problems counting votes in the past, as well as various voting frauds. But, thanks to the coming of the computer age, the age of convenience, changing the vote has never been easier.

Old People and Computers

There have been many criticisms of elctronic voting machines- no paper trail, machine failures, switching votes, etc. One that isn't brought up enough is that election workers, average age 73, don't have the slightest idea of how to use computers. This situation is explained in today's Washington Post:

Goodman, a former NBC television news producer who lives near Rockville, said he found the jargon of the training session offered by the county Board of Elections incomprehensible and the technology overwhelming. It wasn't long before his eagerness hardened to frustration as he realized the job of check-in judge was going to be a lot harder than he thought.

He's no computer whiz, but given a bit more time he could manage, he said. In a single three-hour class, "there was no way to absorb all that," he said.
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State officials have called for additional training, but some local elections administrators say the sessions aren't nearly long enough.

I think we should do a lot more," said Robert J. Antonetti Sr., the Prince George's interim elections administrator. He added that many of the judges find the new technology "mind-boggling." The county has held training sessions almost nightly and twice on Saturdays, he said.
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Later, when the instructor, Belinda Lee, asked the class to plug in the ethernet line, some stared blankly at the tangle of wires in front of them until she told them it was the one that looks like a telephone cord.

"Oy vey!" an exasperated Goodman blurted out.

During a break, trainee Joseph Burke, 80, of Chevy Chase thumbed through the thick three-ring binder he will have to become familiar with before Tuesday.

"That's a lot of stuff they threw at us," he said. "It's going to take some more studying."

Anthony DiLullo, 67, of Bethesda was comforted only by the fact that another check-in judge would be working the polls with him Election Day. "I hope the other person knows more than I do," he said.

Having gone through teaching my mother and my grandmother how to use a computer, I can tell you that older people get very confused very quickly when discussing computers. I think using computers is like learning a language: if you learn while you are young, it's easy and intuitive; if you are older, then it's foreign and confusing. Thankfully they are trying to recruit high school students to do it. They at least will know how to plug in the machines.

I feel sorry for all the trainers who had to instruct the poll workers. The choruses of "Slow down!", "I'm confused!" and "I don't see any 'any' key!" must have been deafening.

Born In the USA

A video to get you pumped up for the morning:


Bruce bears a striking resemblence to Matthew Broderick. I still can't believe Reagan used this in 1984 as his campaign song. Where are the working class hero songs of today? Oh that's right, they are all now in Spanish.

On Idiocy

I try not to post too much on poilitcs (the ridiculous George Allen race excepted because its humor cannot be denied. Macaca...hehehe) because politics tend to angry up the blood a bit too much. That being said this whole John Kerry flap makes me so incredibly furious and so incredibly sad at the same time that I can't even see straight.

Kerry "botched" a joke criticizing Bush's intelligence the other day. This is what he meant to say:

"Do you know where you end up if you don't study, if you aren't smart, if you're intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush."

He accidentally flubbed the line and said "You end up getting stuck in Iraq." The Bush administration has purposely misconstrued this line to say that John Kerry is calling the troops stupid. They have demanded an apology from John Kerry.

It is quote obvious what John Kerry meant to say. This line came in the middle of a bunch of other lines insulting Bush. Why would John Kerry, a veteran, call himself stupid?

George Bush should be the one apologizing. He should be sorry for misusing the brave men and women of the military. For sending them without the best armor. For sending them without a good plan. For sending them to Iraq for reasons that turned out not to be true. For still having no plan to end the war. For extending their tours of duty. For abusing the National Guard. For thinking this war would be easy. For making America less safe. For the thousands of Iraqis that have died. For the thousands of Americans killed and wounded. For not knowing that there is a differnece between Sunnis and Shiites.

Is that all you have Mr. Bush? 3 and 1/2 years into this war, your main argument for the continuance of your policies is that John Kerry misspoke? The blatant dishonesty and the false outrage makes me sick to my stomach. Have we really stooped this low?

Firefly

Last night I completed my viewings of the late, great, sci-fi series Firefly. For those not familiar, it was a show for 3 months back in 2002 and then got cancelled. The movie that wrapped up many of the series' storylines came out last year and was titled, Serenity. Both the series and the movie were surprisingly good. Well written. interesting storylines, memorable characters, good action. I suggest all first watch the 15 episode series and then see the movie. You sha'n't regret it.

Halloween Ad Idea

Well after being extorted for candy last night, I thought of an interesting idea for a Halloween themed ad:

(Scene opens with a certain Nepali knocking on a door)
Nepali: Trick or Remy Martin cognac!
(Door slammed in his face. Nepali throws eggs at house)

(Nepali knocks on another door)
Nepali: Trick or Remy Martin cognac!
Man: What are you kidding me?
(Door slammed. Nepali lights bag of poop on porch.)

(Nepali knocks on the last door. A very austere looking gentleman answers.)
Nepali: Trick or Remy Martin cognac!
Gentleman: Now that's what I like to hear. Come on in.
(As Nepali goes into the house, camera shows Nepali putting a hand grenade back in his bag as it is not necessary to play a "trick" on this man's house)

(Camera shows blurry shot of firepalce as Nepali and man sip cognac and laugh)
Narrator: Remy Martin-It's always good to have some around.

End