Great Moments in My Personal History: Episode 1

An Old Football Injury
My senior year in high school, I was throwing around a football at lunchtime. I was attempting to catch the football when my pinky finger on my right hand pushed into the football, instead of going around it. I heard a snap and looked down. The top part of my pinky was bent at a 90 degree angle and I couldn't straighten it without using my other hand. It was weird that it didn't really hurt.

I walked down to the nurses' office and they told me that I needed to got to the hospital to get an x-ray. I called my dad to see if he would take me. As I was talking to him, I kept staring at my finger, wondering why it didn't hurt. I began to feel light-headed....

They next thing I know, two nurses are standing over me, yelling, "Cough! Breathe!" I had fainted. I asked for an explanation, and they said that I should be in a lot of pain but my brain was blocking it out and looking at the finger confused my brain, so I passed out. Their advice was stop looking at the finger.

When my dad came, I was forced to leave the school in a wheelchair, as the nurses did not want me walking anywhere. It was still lunchtime so lots of people were eating outside as I was pushed out to the car. It was thoroughly embarrassing.

At the hospital, they said I had torn a tendon, and that my finger needed to be in a splint for 2 months. It healed kind of crooked, but not noticibly so.

Moral of the Story: Fainting makes anything more embarrassing.

Why I love having a Blog

So this person found his/her/its way over to my neck of the woods last night:

morenovly-cuda1-24-54-251-56.ontrca.adelphia.net

United States

MS Internet Explorer 6

09/28/06 20:17:50 - http://72.14.253.104/search?q=cache:s3E6FOagiGcJ:almostclever.blogspot.com/
can%27t pop milia&hl=en&gl=us&ct=clnk&cd=4
Referrer: can%27t pop milia (Google)

They had searched Google for "Can't pop milia" and Google returned this post where I describe how I picked off the milia of my face when others told me that I couldn't do it. This prompted one emailer to write, "John that is disgusting."

However, it has given this frustrated person hope for the future in getting rid of his milia. And that is why I write this blog, to be a shining beacon of hope in an otherwise dark world of despair. And yes, George Bush, you may feel free to use that quote in your next speech.

Great Moments in Nepali History: Episode VII

Nepali Want a Quacker?

One night, while in engaging in an otherwise inane discussion with two of his "co-students", a request was made of him.

"Please, oh wise Nepali, tell us a tale of magnificent feats and unparalleled heroism."

The request both suprised and delighted the Nepali. So in a clear, sonorous voice, he began his tale:

"It was a beatiful day in Nepal and my driver and I were out for a drive near the family resort with me behind the wheel. We were driving through a small village when we came across a duck crossing. I stopped at the duck crossing and patiently waited for the ducks to cross. After they finished, I proceeded on my way.

However, I had made a grave error. My passenger informed me that I had not waited long enough and had accidentally run over a duck. I briefly grieved for passing of the duck.

However, there were bigger problems at hand. If I were to drive back through the village, the upset peasants would surely throw stones at my fine automobile. Thinking quickly, I had the driver call my father. My father, upon hearing of the threat to his car, dispatched some people to quell the rage of the peasants by giving some rupees.

After that, I was able to make a safe passage home."

The Nepali concluded his story and his audience of two had tears coming down their faces, for it was the Greatest Tale Ever Told.

Moral of the Story: Money can't buy happiness, but it certainly can buy off peasants.

The Ultimate In Honors

Barack Obama(D-Illinoise) (Not a typo) campaigned with Maryland Senate candidate Democrat Ben Cardin in College Park yesterday. While he was there, he received perhaps the greatest gift of all, being in some girl's Facebook photo:

"I've just always admired everything Mr. Obama says," said Kate Turner, a Maryland student who attended the rally on her 19th birthday just to hear him. "I'm excited about politics because he's involved."

Turner lost her sandal chasing Obama after he left the stage. She wanted a birthday picture with him.

"It's your birthday?" said the senator. "Where's your shoe, though?"

Cardin will get her vote, Turner says, but Obama will enjoy a far more personal honor. The snapshot of Obama and her will become her new Facebook picture.

I'm sure that he is excited that Kathleen's wall will now consist of posts such as:
"Wow you met Obama. That is teh nuts."
"Barack is so hot. I'd let him filibuster up my skirt."
"Man, I was soooo wasted lst nite. Whoze that guy in your pic? He's old."
"I found your sandal. I have added it to my collection. --B. O. (BTW That man in your photo is quite stunning."

Colorful Dialogue

Apparently I have to go this team building workshop where everybody is assigned a color based on their personality type. Green is the reserved, self-asseured person. Blue is the emotional, in touch person. Orange is the life of the party, always talking person. Gold is the go getting, dedicated person. The shade of Brown, that is the skin tone of a certain Nepali, is a lazy, hungry, cynical person. (j/k on the last one)

Anyways, one of my coworkers really enjoyed the workshop when she went so she proceeded to babble about it for 15 minutes. She began to talk about an "orange" she knows who works with a "green." She was expounding on how well they work together, when this sentence came out: "I am just so surprised that two people of different colors can be such a good team and work so well with each other." At this point I lost it and couldn't stop laughing for the following reasons:
1. The colors thing is so insane and inane to begin with.
2. Her comment was steeped in irony for she had been taking about hiring quotas based on race no less than 5 minutes earlier.
3. She never realized what she had said after she said it.


I can't wait to take the workshop. I hope that I am brown.

An Apology

I had work to do today so I couldn't post as much as usual. I Received an email from my supervisor where the subject line was "SPRSHT". It turned to be an abbreviation for "spreadsheet" and not "super shit" as I originally thought. I was hoping for the latter.

For He Is Looking Upon Us and Laughing

Guees who's back? Back again. He is back. Tell a friend.

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Nepal

Firefox

Windows XP

'We like you more than the blacks.'

This morning, I read an article in the Washington Post entitled, "States, Counties Begin to Enforce Immigration Law". Pretty standard stuff. Crackdowns on illegal immigration have gotten stronger in some towns in Virginia, hispanics feel persecuted, people get deported, etc. My opinion on illegal immigration is that good fences may make good neighbors, but a wall keeps out the foreign intruders who are leading the "Reconquista."
(Wipes off frothing spit that is foaming at mouth)

HA! Just kidding. I think that border policies needed to be strengthened and there needs to be a path to citizenship for illegals already in this country, because it's the right thing to do.

Anyways, the article did have this one revealing quote:

"It's tense, very tense," said Angeles Ortega-Moore, director of the Latin American Coalition in Charlotte. "It used to be everybody here loved the Latinos. They would say, 'We like you more than the blacks.' Now we're like the Big Bad Wolf."

First of all, I want to know who is the "They" in the second-to-last sentence. Employers? The Police? The general public? Whoever it is, it's disgusting.

When Latinos were willing to work for less-than-minimum wage, and could generally be abused for their labor while offered no rights, the people loved them. Employers especially, because they kept hiring them. When they start to complain about exploitation and become a bigger presence in the community, the call to kick them out begins. I'm sure the community loved "blacks" when they worked for free and were considered property. But then they became uppity and were no longer the most popular kids in the class.

Anyways, whose cheap labor should we domestically exploit next?

Logician (Maybe a Magician) Needed

So I have no idea of how to evaluate the following sentence:

This statement is true.

"This statement" is referring to the sentence itsel, not some outside sentence. I don't know how to go about evaluating the truth of the statement. It is a proposition so one would think it would be true or false. Is it self-evidently true? Is it meanlingless? Have I not gotten enough sleep the past few days? My mind is boggled.

He Is Always Watching

This is a couple months old, but Carl Monday will apparently be on the Daily Show this week and context is necessary for people who haven't experienced the transcendant experience that is Carl Monday.


For another Carl video, I recommend this one.

More Media Lies about Nepal!

How come Nepal always gets the short end of the stick when it comes to the media? Now I know that this statement was only meant in jest, but I feel that ridiculing Nepal has become all too prevalent in our society. This example is from ESPN's Tim Keown:

Take this example: On Sunday, the 49ers were faced with a fourth-and-1 from the Eagles' 40 with 45 seconds left in the first half and Philly leading 24-3. This isn't even a decision. Ninety percent of the population in Nepal would have made the right call: You have to go for the first down, then take a shot at the end zone or work toward a field goal. You have to try to score, or else you're simply trying not to get blown out. But Niners coach Mike Nolan -- one of the most stern-faced, hard-workingest guys in the biz -- decided to punt.

90 percent! More like 99.8 percent, Keown. Nepalis aren't that stupid. Get your facts right, and stop disparaging the great people of Nepal, you pompous American ass.

Boy, all this blogging is making me hungry. I think I'll go have some momos.

Pennies from Hell?

Sebastian Mallaby has interesting op-ed in the Post today called "The Penny Stops Here". His main point is that it makes sense for the penny to be eliminated as currency.

Two months ago, in an Olympian act of statesmanship, Rep. Jim Kolbe (R-Ariz.) took aim at the true menace in our nation. He introduced a bill that would get rid of the penny. In the first half of this year alone, the U.S. government minted 4.8 billion of these useless coins, and since it costs 1.4 cents to make each one and maybe two more cents each to distribute them, that robbed taxpayers of $115 million. The Wall Street Journal's editorial page denounced Kolbe's capitulation to the sinister forces of inflation, as though recognizing reality were the same as creating it. But in truth the noble statesman should go further. He should abolish nickels and dimes.

End the Penny? End the nickel and dime? That's crazy talk. Mallaby uses a bunch of fancy boy statistical risk/reward arguments to make his point. I don't care about the economics, however. I care about the idioms and figures of speech that will be lost if we eliminate the penny, the nickel, and the dime. These sayings will lose all meaning to younger generations:
A dime a dozen
Pennies from heaven
Stop nickel and diming me
If I had a nickel for everytime that happened...
A penny-wise, a pound foolish (I'm not sure what that means, however. I think it might be English)
The nickel defense and the dime defense in football
A dime-bag

And the list goes on and on and on. The penny may die, but its memory will live on in our hearts, if not in our pockets or under our couches.

Fun fact: If you look hard enough at the back of a clean penny, you can see Lincoln sitting in the chair in the Lincoln monument.

Slap on the back

to whomever keeps leaving the Washington Post sports section in the 4th stall of the bathroom. Like clockwork, it's in there everyeday by 10:30 am. Somebody in the office must eat their fiber, because just like a Japanese train, they are always on time. And clean.

Great Moments In Nepali History: Episode VI

A Nocturnal Emission

Once upon a time in Nepal, some believe, around the year two double-aught three, the head son of a wealthy family, was walking down the road, contemplating whatever it is that a man of the Nepali's infinite power contemplates - which is another way of saying "who knows?" - when a Maoist Rebel appeared, traveling in the opposite direction. As the heir and the rebel crossed paths, the Nepali, in a practically unfathomable display of generosity, gave the rebel the slightest of nods. The nod was not returned. Now was it the intention of the Maoist to insult the Nepali? Or did he just fail to see the generous social gesture? The motives of the Maoist remain unknown. What is known, are the consequences. The next morning the Nepali appeared at the Maoist camp and demanded of the rebel leader that he offer the Nepali his neck to repay the insult. The rebel leader at first tried to console the Nepali, only to find that he was inconsolable. So began the massacre of the Maoist camp and all sixty of the rebels inside at the fists of the Brown Momo. And so began the legend of the Nepali's five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique.

BZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

The Nepali was jolted awake from his wonderful dream. He looked around his dormroom, disappointed to not see the bodies of the slain rebels. Still worked up from the dream, the Nepali reached for the remote and the XBOX contoller, and proceeded to practice his moves on Dead or Alive 3 for the rest of the afternoon.

Moral of the Story: The best Maoist is a dead Maoist.

New Ways to Rationalize Failure

I need to remember to act like Intelligence Tsar (I prefer this spelling to "czar") John Negroponte whenever my policies are roundly criticized by leading experts in the field. The following is his response to a new intelligence report that states that the war in Iraq has increased the threat of terrorism:

"What we have said, time and again, is that while there is much that remains to be done in the war on terror, we have achieved some notable successes against the global jihadist threat," Negroponte said in a statement. "The conclusions of the intelligence community are designed to be comprehensive, and viewing them through the narrow prism of a fraction of judgments distorts the broad framework they create."

Look, I don't disagree with everyting the administration is doing to fight terrorism. But to consistently have this back and forth of "Iraq is the central front in the War on Terror" and then have statements which essentially say, "Ignore Iraq. Look at these successes," it is pure double speak. How can I believe two contradictory thoughts at once? Or is my brain just looking through too narrow a prism that is distorting the broad framework of half-truths and lies?

This Mop is Making Me Thristy

Seinfeld's Michael Richards in Weird Al's *seminal* work, "UHF".

UHF socres a 8.7 on the humor scale so all should see. This scene is also a lot funnier if you have seem Sydney Lumet's *seminal* work, "Network," and this famous scene:

On how to best watch a film at the cinema

This post aims to serve as a guide to a pleasant movie-going experience. (That word "movie-goer" has always bothered me. What the hell is a "goer"? Just say "patrons." This also goes for the word "doer." "Boy, that guy is a real go-getter. He is a real doer." So annoying.)

1. Always buy your ticket with a credit card at the automated ticket machines. Waiting in line for ticket is tiresome and talking to the attendants can be a frustrating experience. The lines for the machines are always smaller. Plus, paying with a credit card lessens the pain of paying $9.50 for 2 hours of amusement, whereas paying cash can cause pangs of regret as you hand over 10 dollars that could have gone towards a cold 6-pack.

2. Buy the largest tub of popcorn they have. Don't get the butter topping, it only leads to feelings of queasiness later. Try to get a combo with the largest drink they have as well. Add a lot of salt to your popcorn so that you will need to drink the beverage. Although drinking so much fluid may result in having to pee during the movie, the building pressure in the bladder adds to the dramatic urgency and tension of the movie. Once again, pay with a credit card. And don't get candy or even worse, nachos or a hot dog or chicken wings. Popcorn is the only acceptable food. Period.

3. Sit in the front row. I cannot stress this enough. The front row is the key to all sucessful movie experiences. First, it provides ample leg room as there are no seats in front of you. Second, you are forced to look up at the screen thus making the magic of movies seem even more magical. What do I mean by this? The purpose of going to see the movie in theatres is to be able to lose yourself in the movie in a way that can't be done at home. The dark room, the big screen, and the huge sound system all help you get wrapped up in the experience. Sitting in the stadium seating, where you are level with the screen, detracts from the hyponotic effect. It is just liking watching the movie on a big (admittedly, really big) TV. Looking up at the screen, however, is more like a religious experience. Man does not look towards the horizion for answers; he looks up at the sky. While sitting in the front row may be disorienting at first, especially during the quick cuts of the previews, your eyes and brain will adjust and you will be rewarded with a much better experience.

4. Lastly, always bring a Nepali with you. This, I believe, is self-explanatory.

A Welcome Guest

09/22/06 16:23:47

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Nepal

Firefox

Windows XP

hehehe lol

American Hero: Reginald VelJohnson

He needs no introduction. Actually, he probably does. He played Carl Winslow on "Family Matters", another great TGIF show.

Here are some highlights from his IMDB profile:

1. Carl Winslow's middle name was "Otis." Thus making his initials COW. So fat.
2. He was paid 100,000 dollars to portray Sgt. Al Powell in "Die Hard." Way too little for that brilliant of a role. He should have told those producers to "start smellin' what they been shovelin'."
3. For his role in "Ghostbusters," he was credited as Reggie VelJohnson. I just can't see him as a Reggie. He's too dignified for that.
4. He played the character of Carl Winslow on an episode of Perfect Strangers. I think he arrested Balky for turning tricks in that one.
5. Remember that episode of "Family Matters" where Carl has to dress as a woman in order to catch a purse-snatcher and he has to learn how to walk like a woman. That was awesome.
6.He's played either a doctor or a police officer in almost his roles. Talk about range, Reggie's got it.

For added good measure:

TGIF

Two more Friday orientated thoughts.

1. If I told you that two movies were coming out on the same weekend, and that one had two Academy Award winners and two other Oscar nominees, and the other one was starring a guy whose best reviewed movie so far was Men in Black II which movie do you think would be the better one?

If you picked the second one, you would have been correct. Jackass II right now has a respectable 68% rating at Rotten Tomatoes while All the King's Men has a miserable 15% rating.

2. For those who remember ABC's Friday night TGIF lineup of television, this will be a blast from the past. DINOSAURS!


The guy who does the voice of the Baby, is also the voice of Elmo. Talk about making a career about having that high-pitched laugh.

How to Market Federer

A frequent commenter and esteemeed friend, Chris, has posted a great list of how to correctly promote Roger Federer. A small sample:

3. Capture his ego. But do it subtly. He knows how good he is--let everyone know that he is the best, and that he knows it. Perhaps a red cap with a white R.F. on the crown, and "Greatest of all time" stitched in small letters on the back.

It is what the man deserves. Check out the whole post; it only gets better. And make sure to sign up for the waitng list to get a Feder-bear.

Open Mic Friday

I'm feeling kind of uninspired today. Not really that much to comment on or write about. I had a few ideas but none really merit more than a line or two so here are some Friday Metro observations:

Thanks to whomever leaves the USA Today neatly stuffed between the seat and the wall on the front car on the green line train every evening. It makes my ride home that much easier. One request though: Washington Post or NY Times please. USA Today is kinda sorta a bad newspaper.

I wish I was really fat so that nobody would sit next to me on the Metro.

I appreciate the Metro drivers who sound like they are auditioning to be a DJ on a smooth jazz radio station. "This is L'Enfant Plaza. Green Line to Branch Avenue. You're listneing to WZNE 95.5, The Zone."

That's all I got. No Post ariticle because I know for a fact that Express employees don't work on Friday. Anyways, Open Mic Friday. If anybody wants to write a post, email me and I'll post it. Suggested topics: Soylent green, Stephen Colbert, anything involving Nepal, Cats, etc....

American Hero: "Weird" Al

First of all, check out the video for "White and Nerdy":


Also, for the polka medley fans, "Polkapalooza":


And for the true devotee, the 11 minute epic "Stuck in the Drive-Thru."

It's genius. And I know that lots of people think Weird Al is stupid or retarded or not funny or a one-trick pony or whatever. It doesn't matter. The world is a better world with Weird Al in it. Deal with it.

Great Moments In Nepali History: Episode V

A Day to Give Thanks

The Nepali thought the he had experienced most of American Culture. He had seen the American movies, had drank beer from a keg, and had even watched a little American football. He, however, hadn't experienced a true Thanksgiving dinner. That was soon to change.

Ironically, his first Thanksgiving dinner did not take place in America or even on Thanksgiving. It took place in lovely London, England and was the Sunday before Thanksgiving. It was at a former roommate's house whose parents and along with the roommate felt compelled to follow the Nepali on his year abroad in London.

The Nepali arrived for the dinner impeccably dressed as always. He familiarized himself with the layout of the house, and decided to set up shop downstairs, near the food and the TV. Being Hindu, Sundays were not a day of rest for him. The Nepali had a complicated business assignment to do for class. After boggling his host's mind with the complexity of the assignment, the Nepali decided to have some salmon rolls as an appetizer accompanied with a couple of refreshing bottles of lager.

His homework needed to be done so the Nepali deftly called his partners on the project, encouraged them to complete their tasks, and was also able to receive guidance on how best to complete his task. After three minutes of conversation, the Nepali knew that he could put his homework away for it was as good as done. He had made his expectations clear to his partners and he was sure that both his part and his partner's assignments would be completed to satsifaction.

After finishing up with some ale, the Nepali sat down for some light Xboxing. When he was through obliterating the evil Covenant forces and becoming the savior of the human race, the Nepali ate his turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and his favorite, cranberry sauce. After eating a healthy amount of food, the Nepali was feeling a bit drowsy. His hosts thanked him for coming and the Nepali journeyed back to his quarters where he enjoyed a satisfying nap. For the Nepali, his first thanksgiving was a truly joyous occasion.

Moral of the Story: Food, beer, video games, and delegating equal one jolly Nepali.

"Mommy, Am I a Jew?"

In what is truly a bizarre story, Sen. George Allen's (R-VA) mother has finally revealed to him that she was raised Jewish.

This passage in the ariticle really raised some questions in my mind.

She said Allen asked her directly about his Jewish heritage when he was in Los Angeles for a fundraiser. "We sat across the table and he said, 'Mom, there's a rumor that Pop-pop and Mom-mom were Jewish and so were you,' " she recalled, a day after Allen issued a statement acknowledging and embracing his Jewish roots as he campaigns for a second term in the U.S. Senate.

At the table in Palos Verdes, Calif., Allen's mother, who is 83, said she told her son the truth: That she had been raised as a Jew in Tunisia before moving to the United States. She said that she and the senator's father, famed former Redskins coach George Allen, had wanted to protect their children from living with the fear that she had experienced during World War II. Her father, Felix Lumbroso, was imprisoned by the Nazis during the German occupation of Tunis.

"What they put my father through. I always was fearful," Etty Allen said in a telephone interview. "I didn't want my children to have to go through that fear all the time. When I told Georgie, I said, 'Now you don't love me anymore.' He said, 'Mom, I respect you more than ever.' "

Why would she say that George wouldn't love her anymore if she was Jewish? Seems really strange. Does George have a history of hating Jews? He certainly does have some ugly things in his past that have been debated ad nausuem, but why would his mother be afraid to tell him that he has some Jewish blood? Seems awfully strange at best and pretty frightening at worst.

By the way, I love that the Senator calls his grandparents "Pop-pop" and "Mom-mom." I wonder if he calls a super-majority vote in the Senate "Majority Majority."

The Masterplan

So I was reading the Washington Post Express this morning on the Metro. It's the free paper that a lot of commuters read. They have this section near the back of the paper called "Blog Log" where they print some random opinions about news of the day found from blogs. Normally these snippets consist of "Boy that Bush is some sort of something," or "The Metro was really crowded today," or "Britney is sooooooo trashy" and other pithy things.

But I noticed today that there was a quote on the David Banh ariticle that I posted about yesterday (that jerk who graduated from UVA in one year). It was from thunderrun.blogspot.com. (although in the paper in was thunderrun.blogsopt.com)
Why do I care? Because I'm sure that the guy who edits the section got the quote by going throught the washingtonpost.com and looking at the "What the blogs are saying about this article section" that accompanies the article. I, for one, had record traffic yesterday because of referrals from that article.

So it is now my goal to make into the Express. I will write about a popular Washington Post story every day until this happens. I will make at least one extremely pithy statement that moralizes way too much per post. I know it's a lame and sort of stupid goal, but it's all about gaming the system (whatever that means).

Global wARMing

So I got this sunburn two weeks ago and its starting to peel off. The pattern seems to be predicting the future. It's very eerie.


I can't wait to Al Gore comes and proclaims that it is a miracle like one of those Jesus waffles.

Pizza For Lunch

So I just had a branch wide 2 1/2 hour lunch of pizza. I need a nap. The discussion around the table at one point turned to drinking in the office and how everyone used ot be drunk all the time around work. The boss then said "Yeah, after 9/11 they changed a lot of the rules." So because of those lousy terrorists I can't get smashed in the office. Those bastards! I hate to say this, but it's looks like they've already won.

In Which I Mock Someone Not Nepali

This article is from the Washington Post, "U-Va's One Year Wonder."

Now this young man graduated from the University of Virginia after just one year in school. Why anyone would want to go through college (also known as the "Most Fun You'll Ever Have") that fast is beyond me. He obviously is ripe for some criticism.

And you thought your kid was smart.

David Banh, an 18-year-old from Annandale, just graduated from the University of Virginia in one year. With a double major.

I don't have a child so I can't relate to the first sentence. But even then, it doesn't necessarrily mean that David is smart. Maybe just overeager or insane. And if my child graduates from college in one year, I'll send him back to learn things that can't really be learned in the classroom.

His parents pushed him. He liked learning new things rather than repeating what he already knew. He had a sort of low-key competition with a smart girl at his school. His uncle helped tutor him. "It was nice to be a year ahead" in math, he said. "It made me feel special when I was little."

By eighth grade, he said, most of the motivation came from himself, not his parents. By his second year in high school, he was taking three AP classes.

"I sort of got a little addicted to it," he said. At TJ, he was taking more AP classes than any other sophomore that year, so, he figured, why not do it again next year? "I took six the year after that and figured I may as well take a bunch of exams the next year as well."

Anybody who gets addicted to taking AP exams needs serious help. AP exams are a gateway test to harder and even more destructive tests. It eventually leads one to value their whole self-worth on the basis of a number that they receive on an exam. Why wasn't anybody looking out for this young man?

Meanwhile, he had mastered bridge -- yes, the card game -- competed in tournaments all over and ran the school club, which doubled in size.

It got another member. That's fantastic.

His mom said she is proud but sometimes worried about the track he was on. "He didn't have time to do a lot of stuff," she said. "He [would] just go home, do homework, take another extra homework and do it. He ate dinner for 15 minutes or ate dinner still looking at a book.

"I said, 'No, I do not want this.' But I guess it's helped him [in] that he believes he can do things. That's the most important to me."

OK. Seriously. Mental issues.

His first semester, he took 23 credits and found he had more time than he did in high school to spend with friends, playing games (video games or board games, he clarified, not drinking games). Or just hanging out.

"I don't feel like I missed out," he said. "Most of college was euphoria."

He had some low points, especially late in April when the workload for his 37 credits seemed crushing, and his grades started to slip. (To some Bs.)

Yes college is "euphoria." Why rush through it? This guy needs to be taken out back with a beer bong and get really loaded. Didn't he see "Animal House"?

In conclusion, this guy is going to snap at some point. He's going to realize that he's never had any fun and just break down. I just hope I'm not around when it happens.

I Admit Defeat

Yesterday my post proclaimed itself to be "The Ultimate in Duality." I have been bested. (And yes I know that I am using the word "duality" incorrectly. Deal with it!)

If you like cats and iteration and computers and genius and laughing, its imperative to go to Infinite Cat.

Some Things Were Meant To Be

Well it took 30 minutes of labor and going through my program folders, but I was finally able to change the sound that my email client makes when I get a new email.

Why did it take so long? Let's just say that the noise I wanted wasn't one of the defaults availiable. What is the sound? It's six seconds of pure unadulterated joy.
Just watch the video:


and if you want the mp3 I'll email it to you. It was time to show the video again. Too funny.

(Update: And now it's my ringtone. Somebody please call me.)

A Day in the Life of Me

So, by popular demand, here is the blow-by-blow account of what I've done at work:

8:30-Arrive at office, say hello to selected co-workers.
8:32- Hang up David Brent poster in my cubicle; explain to co-worker that it is a motivational poster. It's a poster filled with quotes from the show the Office- British Version. I have thus ensured that no one in my office will find any of the lines funny.
8:35- Explain to another co-worker that my paperclip paperclip is not a chain used in sadomasochistic activities.
8:40 Read footballoutsiders.com
9:17-Posted hilarious comments on y2summer.blogspot.com
9:20 Find Southpark video on youTube; Post it on blog
9:25-Explain to my supervisor, who was at class all last week, what I did last week. Explained that I needed her help to complete some tasks. She said she'd get back to me this afternoon.
9:30- Took picture of paperclip paperclip on cell phone, emailed it to myself, posted on blog.
9:36-Posted link to paperclip paperclip on brother's facebook profile.
10:00-Watched Youtube video of the last 2 minutes of 1994 Michigan- ND game won by...click here to find out (trust me; it's exciting).
10:38- Had a brief conversation on the telephone with my girlfriend
11:13- Had another brief conversation with girlfriend on telephone.
11:20-Intermittenly read various websites, while spacing out. listened to pandora.com. Hit refresh on Pandora until "Monsoon" by Robbie Williams played.
12:30- Emailed mother regarding airline miles
12:35- Buy lunch of hamburger, baked Lays, and Diet Coke. Eat lunch at desk. Chuckle to myself after seeing overweight coworker eat a Quarter Pounder w/cheese and fries.
12:55-Have another brief conversation with girlfriend.
1:20- Read Tuesday Morning Quarterback on espn.com; followed by Monday Morning Quarterback:Tuesday Edition on SI.com.
2:00-Supervisor proclaims that she is burnt out for the day, will meet me tomorrow to discuss things. Apologizes for lack of work.
2:01-Compose GMINH post for blog; Crack myself up
2:45- Recieve response from my mother; she claims that my brother says I don't have enough to do at work.
3:00- Buy Diet Pepsi as blood-sugar crashes
3:25- Write comment on dailykos.com chiding Kos for his misspelling of Katie "Kouric".
3:30-Compose this post

All time not specifically accounted for in this journal was spent surfing the internet(s) or using the bathroom. All social interaction has been accounted for. The rest of the day will be spent idly surfing the internet(s).

Great Moments in Nepali History: Episode IV

A New Hope

It had been a long and trying school year for the valiant Nepali. However, the end was in sight. There remained only one exam to go and it wasn't for two more days, thus giving the Nepali plenty of time to prepare himself both mentally and physically for the exhausting ordeal that is Econ 002: Priniciples of Macroeconomics.

While the Nepali was confident in his knowledge of how markets work and the economy runs, his result on the midterm exam had challenged the veracity and correctness of his theories. Knowing that he needed a good grade on his final in order to placate his desire for personal perfection, he planned on devoting at least 10 hours to studying and fine-tuning his understanding of the material.

At 3:00 pm he received a phone call from a fellow economics student who asked whether the Nepali wanted to go to the tobacco store to buy "Victory Cigars" after the exam that evening. The Nepali was a little surprised for the exam was not for two days. "Whatever could my friend be talking about," the Nepali wondered. His friend explained that the exam was in fact in one hour.

In a state of panic, the Nepali verified the fact that the exam was indeed in only one hour, not the 48 that he was anticipating. The textbook and notes were immediately flipped open , and the dorm room was suddenly filled with the frantic mumbling of the Nepali and the amused cackle of his sadistic roommate. After a frenzied hour of studying and prayer, the Nepali rushed off to his exam.

To his shock and delight, the exam was not very difficult and the Nepali managed to pull off a respectable grade. He had been given a reprieve for his oversight, and was able to finish off the year with cigarillo that filled his lungs with pride instead of regret.

Moral of the story: You can't alwyas get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you don't really deserve.

The ultimate in duality

On friday, I spent 30 minutes creating this:


It is a bunch of paperclips stringed together put in the shape of a paperclip. It's genius. Of course, the first response in the office was, "What kinky contraption is that?" I swear, they'll miss me when I'm gone.

Tears of unfathomable sadness

This is the funniest and alos the sickest thing I have ever seen. This scene is the one where Cartman and South Park ascend to greatness. God bless YouTube.

The Search for Meaning

So in my continuing quest to make my job interesting or at least, have maybe the slightest meaning outside of my paycheck, I've found that playing really sweeping, dramatic, orchestral music really helps the data entry seem like less of a chore and more of ethereal experience.

I've been listening to a lot of Godspeed You Black Emperor which you can just pandora.com if you want a sample of what they do. Or watch this YouTube video although the sound quality takes away from the significance of the music.



Trust me, listen to the whole thing.

The soldiers must be lonely

So I recieved a visit this morning from the following address:

318562	09/15/06 00:54:01	vict-cache2.iraq.centcom.mil	United States
09/15/06 00:54:01 - http://almostclever.blogspot.com
Referrer: http://blogs.icerocket.com/search?&q=beastiality

This military man found my blog after searching IceRocket for beastiality. Iraq must be one desolate, lonely place.

They said it couldn't be done

They said that I needed to go to a doctor. They said stop picking at it. They said you are just making it worse. They were wrong.

I did it. I sucessfully got rid of a the milia that appeared next next ot me left eye. Milia is a pimple-like looking thing that has a white head, but you can't pop it like a pimple. It doesn't hurt but it doesn't look good either.

According to the "experts", only a dermatologist can remove these things. Well the experts hadn't met me. I picked and pushed and squeezed (squoze?) that thing until the other day on the train, I finally ripped it off. A moment of glory. I proved the doubters and naysayers wrong, once again. Nobody will ever misunderestimate me again.

I Want to Please You Secularly

So this article is on MSNBC.com as part of a plaaned series on "America: Unzipped". This article is titled "One preacher's message: Have hotter sex; Minister Joe Beam says good Christian marriages walk on the wild side" and its about a Christian Preacher who encourages to embrace sex and drop inhibitions, make your semen taste better, etc.

Anyhoo their was one particular paragraph in this ariticle that truly has me question the writer's beliefs or writing ability. The passage in question deals with the rules that the preacher does establish in order to govern intercourse. We shall break it down:

There are rules many in the secular world reject. You have to be married.

Okay that seems reasonable. The secular world does tend to allow single people to have sex.

You have to be heterosexual.

Once again that seems fine. The secular world does not consider homosexual sex a bad thing. Here's where things start to get fishy.

Other prohibitions include no sex with animals, no incest, no lust for people other than your spouses, no adultery (and that includes consensual threesomes and group sex) and no porn, rape or prostitution.

Okay the only things that I see in that list that the secular world doesn't consider at least taboo are lust and porn. Other than that most in the secular world would surely agree with the no incest and no beastiality are good things.(Unless you are John Stossel) And as for rape and prostitution, last time I checked, those things are illegal in most areas that are governed under the establishment clause of the Constitution.

So the topic sentence of the paragraph is either poorly written or the author has know idea what the words "Secular World" mean.

Dueling Dualities

Which is truly the better duality?

This: (You got to click on the image)



or this: (once again click on it)

Great Moments in Nepali History: Episode III

A Beer Monsoon

It was another Friday night, and the jocular Nepali was prepared to live it up. He and two stooges began their evening by journeying to a bar where a R&B cover band were filling the air with their hypnotic melodies. The Nepali put on his evening attire which involved a sweatshirt, jeans, and a black scarf from Limited Express.

After several pints of beer and many witty retorts and barbs, the Nepali was ready to venture to another bar. In the cab ride over, the Nepali proudly announced that he was a "feeler" not a "grabber" as he put his arm around a stunning young woman who was obviously impressed with the style of this dashing young man.

At the next bar, the Nepali was displaying his drinking prowess by drinking two lagers at once. He felt that the party was starting to drag, however, and decided to spice things up a bit. He announced to everyone, "Check this out," and put his thumbs over the tops of the open beer bottles and proceeded to shake them up and down. Suddenly, the beer came spraying out of the bottles and to his company's delight, all over eveyone's clothes. This moment was met with great laughter and merryment. The Nepali had saved the night from becoming dull, and once again, had proved that he is the ultimate in partying.

Moral of the story: Two beers in the hand are worth more than one in the stomach.

The David Brent Sessions

First a little Freelove on the Freelove Freeway (Noel Gallagher? WTF?)


Now for something a little more riduculous.

Great Moments In Nepali History: Episode II

Two Birds (Probably Ducks) with One Stone

It was a beautiful Friday night when the Nepali searched around his pristine dormroom looking for something to amuse him. His break was well deserved after a strenous week of trekking to class, mastering his studies, and conquering Europe in the computer game/war planning tool, Europa.

After a cursory glance, he found two things within arms reach with which to occupy his time: Season 1 and 2 of Family Guy on DVD, and a 3 pound bag of pistachio nuts. He knew it would take a heroic effort in order to get through both the DVDs and the nuts in one sitting, but he knew that he could do it.

He kicked back in his chair, started the DVD's on his computer, and proceeded to make his way through the bag of nuts. Since the garbage can was across the room, he ingeniously decided to place the shells of the nuts on the floor in a somewhat aritistic pile.

For awhile, he was a content as can be. But then the jokes of Family Guy started to grow tiresome and the nuts were drying out his mouth. He knew he needed a pick-me-up, so he used all his resources to persuade the "squatter" who lived on the floor of the room to go make a "Coke-run" at the vending machine. After his refreshing beverage, he continued to watch and eat.

After 7 hours he finally suceeded. The DVDs were watched in entirety and the bag of nuts had been ingested. Since the nuts belonged to his roomate and thus weren't the Nepali's responsibility, he nicely asked his roommate to put the shells in the garbage can. When the roommate, in an act of teenage defiance, refused, the Nepali took the high road and placed them in the can himself. It had been a great night and with both of his tasks now complete, the Nepali readied the XBOX, placed the controller and TV remote next to his bed so he could play as soon as he woke up, and drifted off into a soundless sleep.

Moral of the Story: Pesisitance is the key to success.

Today is Election Day in Maryland

I walk into work today and start asking if we get any leave to go vote. First of all, none of my coworkers knew that today was an election day. Secondly, when I told them it was the primary for the November elections, one response was, "What the hell is a primary?" Civic partcipation at its best. Considering that these are all Government employees as well, one has to feel a little disheartened.

He's Back

Weird Al has a new album coming out. HOORAY! Here is the video for the first single, "Don't Download this Song:"


Not his finest work (that title belongs to his seminal masterpiece, "Yoda") but not too bad.

A pleasant surprise

About 15 minutes ago, the idea hit me that the word "seminal" looks a lot like the potential word "semenal." I was going to post to suggest that any great thing that involves sex in any way be referred to "as a semenal work in the field." I took the time to look up the definition of seminal beforehand and found this:

1. pertaining to, containing, or consisting of semen.
2. Botany. of or pertaining to seed.
3. having possibilities of future development.
4. highly original and influencing the development of future events: a seminal artist; seminal ideas.

As you can see, the definition already includes semen or seed. Such a cool word. I will never be able to hear "seminal" and not giggle. So no need on the pun. Just say "seminal," for it *does* the job quite sufficiently.

Somebody is watching me

This person visited my website, mere minutes after I mentioned the word UNICEF in my Federer post.

301959	09/11/06 09:20:43	nyhqoutbound.unicef.org	Europe
09/11/06 09:20:43 - http://almostclever.blogspot.com/2006/09/majesty-of-man-part-v.html

Needless to say, it appears that I have made some sort of "list." One wonders how they found me, as I don't really show up on Google. Mysterious. Needless to say, UNICEF is a wonderful organization and everyone should buy a lovable "Feder-bear."

Great Moments in Nepali History: The Archive

Episode I

Glory just out of arm's reach

This incident began benignly as always. A gallant Nepali and his stooge of a roommate were sitting around using their computers at their respective desks in the lavishly decorated dormroom. The Nepali suddenly had the urge to engage in some fantasy role-play...by means of a video game. (That sentence could have taken a wrong, and I mean, wrong, turn somewhere) Anyways with remote in hand and XBOX left on from previous gaming, the Nepali was all set to begin his adventures, save for a controller.

Looking round the spacious room, the Nepali spotted one on the floor a few feet away. His first reaction was to command his lackey, or roommate, to bring it to him. When this imbecile shockingly declined to help him, the valiant Nepali decided to get the controller without the help of the First-Worlder.

Still sitting in his chair, the Nepali started to reach for the controller. It was just out of reach. Still sitting, he stretched himself to the limit, bravely trying to reach the controller. Suddenly, disaster struck! The Nepali reached too far and tumbled off his perch. With a great thud, he hit the ground.

While the roommate cackled, the fallen Nepali retrieved the controller, re-ascended his mount and proceeded to enjoy a gaming session, albeit slightly winded from his travels.

Moral of the Story: Never stop reaching for your dreams, even if you sometimes fall in the process.

Episode II

Two Birds (Probably Ducks) with One Stone

It was a beautiful Friday night when the Nepali searched around his pristine dormroom looking for something to amuse him. His break was well deserved after a strenous week of trekking to class, mastering his studies, and conquering Europe in the computer game/war planning tool, Europa.

After a cursory glance, he found two things within arms reach with which to occupy his time: Season 1 and 2 of Family Guy on DVD, and a 3 pound bag of pistachio nuts. He knew it would take a heroic effort in order to get through both the DVDs and the nuts in one sitting, but he knew that he could do it.

He kicked back in his chair, started the DVD's on his computer, and proceeded to make his way through the bag of nuts. Since the garbage can was across the room, he ingeniously decided to place the shells of the nuts on the floor in a somewhat aritistic pile.

For awhile, he was a content as can be. But then the jokes of Family Guy started to grow tiresome and the nuts were drying out his mouth. He knew he needed a pick-me-up, so he used all his resources to persuade the "squatter" who lived on the floor of the room to go make a "Coke-run" at the vending machine. After his refreshing beverage, he continued to watch and eat.

After 7 hours he finally suceeded. The DVDs were watched in entirety and the bag of nuts had been ingested. Since the nuts belonged to his roomate and thus weren't the Nepali's responsibility, he nicely asked his roommate to put the shells in the garbage can. When the roommate, in an act of teenage defiance, refused, the Nepali took the high road and placed them in the can himself. It had been a great night and with both of his tasks now complete, the Nepali readied the XBOX, placed the controller and TV remote next to his bed so he could play as soon as he woke up, and drifted off into a soundless sleep.

Moral of the Story: Pesisitance is the key to success.

Episode III

A Beer Monsoon

It was another Friday night, and the jocular Nepali was prepared to live it up. He and two stooges began their evening by journeying to a bar where a R&B cover band were filling the air with their hypnotic melodies. The Nepali put on his evening attire which involved a sweatshirt, jeans, and a black scarf from Limited Express.

After several pints of beer and many witty retorts and barbs, the Nepali was ready to venture to another bar. In the cab ride over, the Nepali proudly announced that he was a "feeler" not a "grabber" as he put his arm around a stunning young woman who was obviously impressed with the style of this dashing young man.

At the next bar, the Nepali was displaying his drinking prowess by drinking two lagers at once. He felt that the party was starting to drag, however, and decided to spice things up a bit. He announced to everyone, "Check this out," and put his thumbs over the tops of the open beer bottles and proceeded to shake them up and down. Suddenly, the beer came spraying out of the bottles and to his company's delight, all over eveyone's clothes. This moment was met with great laughter and merryment. The Nepali had saved the night from becoming dull, and once again, had proved that he is the ultimate in partying.

Moral of the story: Two beers in the hand are worth more than one in the stomach.

Episode IV

A New Hope

It had been a long and trying school year for the valiant Nepali. However, the end was in sight. There remained only one exam to go and it wasn't for two more days, thus giving the Nepali plenty of time to prepare himself both mentally and physically for the exhausting ordeal that is Econ 002: Priniciples of Macroeconomics.

While the Nepali was confident in his knowledge of how markets work and the economy runs, his result on the midterm exam had challenged the veracity and correctness of his theories. Knowing that he needed a good grade on his final in order to placate his desire for personal perfection, he planned on devoting at least 10 hours to studying and fine-tuning his understanding of the material.

At 3:00 pm he received a phone call from a fellow economics student who asked whether the Nepali wanted to go to the tobacco store to buy "Victory Cigars" after the exam that evening. The Nepali was a little surprised for the exam was not for two days. "Whatever could my friend be talking about," the Nepali wondered. His friend explained that the exam was in fact in one hour.

In a state of panic, the Nepali verified the fact that the exam was indeed in only one hour, not the 48 that he was anticipating. The textbook and notes were immediately flipped open , and the dorm room was suddenly filled with the frantic mumbling of the Nepali and the amused cackle of his sadistic roommate. After a frenzied hour of studying and prayer, the Nepali rushed off to his exam.

To his shock and delight, the exam was not very difficult and the Nepali managed to pull off a respectable grade. He had been given a reprieve for his oversight, and was able to finish off the year with cigarillo that filled his lungs with pride instead of regret.

Moral of the story: You can't alwyas get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you don't really deserve.

Episode V

A Day to Give Thanks

The Nepali thought the he had experienced most of American Culture. He had seen the American movies, had drank beer from a keg, and had even watched a little American football. He, however, hadn't experienced a true Thanksgiving dinner. That was soon to change.

Ironically, his first Thanksgiving dinner did not take place in America or even on Thanksgiving. It took place in lovely London, England and was the Sunday before Thanksgiving. It was at a former roommate's house whose parents and along with the roommate felt compelled to follow the Nepali on his year abroad in London.

The Nepali arrived for the dinner impeccably dressed as always. He familiarized himself with the layout of the house, and decided to set up shop downstairs, near the food and the TV. Being Hindu, Sundays were not a day of rest for him. The Nepali had a complicated business assignment to do for class. After boggling his host's mind with the complexity of the assignment, the Nepali decided to have some salmon rolls as an appetizer accompanied with a couple of refreshing bottles of lager.

His homework needed to be done so the Nepali deftly called his partners on the project, encouraged them to complete their tasks, and was also able to receive guidance on how best to complete his task. After three minutes of conversation, the Nepali knew that he could put his homework away for it was as good as done. He had made his expectations clear to his partners and he was sure that both his part and his partner's assignments would be completed to satsifaction.

After finishing up with some ale, the Nepali sat down for some light Xboxing. When he was through obliterating the evil Covenant forces and becoming the savior of the human race, the Nepali ate his turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and his favorite, cranberry sauce. After eating a healthy amount of food, the Nepali was feeling a bit drowsy. His hosts thanked him for coming and the Nepali journeyed back to his quarters where he enjoyed a satisfying nap. For the Nepali, his first thanksgiving was a truly joyous occasion.

Moral of the Story: Food, beer, video games, and delegating equal one jolly Nepali.

Episode VI

A Nocturnal Emission

Once upon a time in Nepal, some believe, around the year two double-aught three, the head son of a wealthy family, was walking down the road, contemplating whatever it is that a man of the Nepali's infinite power contemplates - which is another way of saying "who knows?" - when a Maoist Rebel appeared, traveling in the opposite direction. As the heir and the rebel crossed paths, the Nepali, in a practically unfathomable display of generosity, gave the rebel the slightest of nods. The nod was not returned. Now was it the intention of the Maoist to insult the Nepali? Or did he just fail to see the generous social gesture? The motives of the Maoist remain unknown. What is known, are the consequences. The next morning the Nepali appeared at the Maoist camp and demanded of the rebel leader that he offer the Nepali his neck to repay the insult. The rebel leader at first tried to console the Nepali, only to find that he was inconsolable. So began the massacre of the Maoist camp and all sixty of the rebels inside at the fists of the Brown Momo. And so began the legend of the Nepali's five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique.

BZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

The Nepali was jolted awake from his wonderful dream. He looked around his dormroom, disappointed to not see the bodies of the slain rebels. Still worked up from the dream, the Nepali reached for the remote and the XBOX contoller, and proceeded to practice his moves on Dead or Alive 3 for the rest of the afternoon.

Moral of the Story: The best Maoist is a dead Maoist.

Episode VII

Nepali Want a Quacker?

One night, while in engaging in an otherwise inane discussion with two of his "co-students", a request was made of him.

"Please, oh wise Nepali, tell us a tale of magnificent feats and unparalleled heroism."

The request both suprised and delighted the Nepali. So in a clear, sonorous voice, he began his tale:

"It was a beatiful day in Nepal and my driver and I were out for a drive near the family resort with me behind the wheel. We were driving through a small village when we came across a duck crossing. I stopped at the duck crossing and patiently waited for the ducks to cross. After they finished, I proceeded on my way.

However, I had made a grave error. My passenger informed me that I had not waited long enough and had accidentally run over a duck. I briefly grieved for passing of the duck.

However, there were bigger problems at hand. If I were to drive back through the village, the upset peasants would surely throw stones at my fine automobile. Thinking quickly, I had the driver call my father. My father, upon hearing of the threat to his car, dispatched some people to quell the rage of the peasants by giving some rupees.

After that, I was able to make a safe passage home."

The Nepali concluded his story and his audience of two had tears coming down their faces, for it was the Greatest Tale Ever Told.

Moral of the Story: Money can't buy happiness, but it certainly can buy off peasants.

Episode VIII

A Fridge Too Far

"Eat Me."

Did the Nepali just hear that? Or did he imagine it? Was the refrigerador really talking to him? Or was it only his stomach?

The Nepali leaned back in his desk chair and continued to lay siege to the western border of France. He had already conquered the USSR, and his German army was trying to move as far west as possible befroe the inevitable counter attack by the Americans.

"Eat Me."

The Nepali looked up from his WWII computer game. This time he was sure that he had heard something. "Why is the fridge talking to me?" he mused aloud. He had eaten a Chipotle burrito today, so he shouldn't be hungry again. He hoped that the voice would just go away on its own.

"Eat ME!"

The voice was more insistent this time. What was in the fridge that the Nepali could eat? 3 month old ice cream? Rice beer that had been sitting in a jar for 5 months? Then he remembered, there was another burrito in the fridge. That must be what it is calling to him. "I will not eat you so please be quiet," the Nepali explained to the burrito inside the refrigerador.

"EAT MEEEEEEE!!! OR I'LL DIE!!!"

The Nepali wondered if this was true. Would the burrito really die if it wasn't consumed immediately? Inpsired by the Greatest Generation that would soon lay siege to his advancing armies, the Nepali decided to take the higher path, and to make a great sacrifice. The Nepali rose from his chair, opened the fridge, and extracted the burrito. Even though he was full the Nepali knew what he had to do. He unwrapped the foil cover and proceeded to forcefeed himself the massive Mexican monstrosity.

About halfway through, the Nepali felt the blood rush from his head to his stomach. He scrambled from his chair to his bed and immediately passed out. The moment before he lost consciousness he swore he heard the burrito laugh triumphantly. The burrito had gotten the best of him. But he vowed to fight another day.

Moral of the Story: Never trust a burrito.

Episode IX

Return of the Jedi

The Nepali awoke with gleam in his eye and a fire in his belly. After quenching the fire with a burrito, the Nepali proceeded to start on his master plan for the day. He had already beaten Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (KOTOR) 5 times but today he was going to do something special. He was going to game the game.

In the game, which takes about 20 hours to complete, you play a jedi who doesn't know who he is. About 2/3 through the game, the player realizes that his character is dark jedi named Revan who was captured and brainwashed to try to be good again. The Nepali had decided to name his character Revan at the beginning of the game, thus making the revealing of the character's true nature less dramatic.

He played all day and by the evening, his joke was set. He called his roommate to watch the TV screen as it was about to happen. The Nepali pressed the button and his charater's companion started to speak, "Reven, you are Revan."

The roommate started to laugh. "You spelled it wrong. How many times have you played this game? And you still got the name wrong? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The Nepali still thought it was funny, declaring his roommate to be stupid. Silently he swore revenge against his roommate.

To be continued...

Episode X

Continued from Episode IX.

Revenge of the Sith

The Nepali knew that he must avenge the dishonor that his roommate had shown him in laughing at the Nepali's execution of his joke. The Nepali also knew that he didn't pay enough attention to the roommate's everyday habits, thus leaving him without the knowledge to best achieve his revenge in a spectacular and meaningful way. He called the one person he knew he could trust to help him, the roommate's girlfriend.

Together they schemed. The plans ranged from simple (get him a extra-hot burrito and wathc him eat it and suffer) to elaborate (an series of lies to get him to show up somewhere and stand him up) to cruel and unusual (pee on his bed, set fire to his computer, and break his guitars). Eventually they decided on putting shaving cream in one of the roomate's most precious possessions, his L.L. Bean hiking boots. The girlfriend originally wanted to put shaving cream in the roommate's bed but the journey from the chair to the top bunk of the bed would have been too arduous.

So they sprayed the Edge Shaving Gel into the hiking boots. When the roommate saw them, the roommate shrugged his shoulders and said, "Meh." The Nepali could tell that it was all an act. The roommate was devastated. His most precious possession defiled. The Nepali leaned back in his chair with a smile of satisfaction. Like the USSR in WWII, he had lost the initial battle, but he had won the war.

Moral of the story: Revenge is a dish best served cold. With a side of momos.

Episode XI

What's in your wallet?

It was a typical night of merriment and revelry at the local wateringhole for the Nepali and his two friends. They had drank many pitchers of beer and the night was winding down.

In a move not atypical for him, one of the Nepali's drinking partners had gotten a bit too drunk and was getting impatient with waiting for the tab. In a an act of frustration and inebriation, he flung his credit card on the table and instructed the Nepali to sign for it when the bill came. Being a good freind, the Nepali agreed to the request.

After paying the bill with his friend's credit card, the Nepali knew that he needed a nightcap of nicotine in order to properly finish off the night. He also knew that he must teach his friend a lesson about giving out his credit card to people. His friend's parents had obviously failed him, and it was upto the Nepali to try to correct their negligence.

He headed off to the nearest gas station. Although he was slightly tipsy, he used the skills he honed growing up in the mountains of Nepal to successfully navigate down the harrowing flight of stairs that fed into the parking lot of the gas station.

Once inside, the Nepali asked for the best brand of cigarrettes availiable, "Benson & Hedges." Just as he was about to hand his friend's credit card to the cashier, the cashier asked for to see the Nepali's ID. Realizing that he had been foiled once again by his youthful good looks, the Nepali retrieved his driver's license and replaced his friend's credit card with one of his own.

Although he had to pay for the cigarrettes himself, the Nepali was still jolly and after a puff or two, slightly dizzy. He nonetheless vowed that he would, one day, teach his friend the lesson on fiscal responsibility because that is friends are for.

Moral of the story: If you buy a Nepali a beer, he is probably going to want some cigarrettes as well.

Episode XII

Speaking Truth to Power

The Nepali sipped on his Jack Daniel's whiskey and leaned back on the couch. Although the glass he was drinking from was meant for a child and covered in circus animals, the alcohol in the glass had given him the courage to speak the words only a grown man could muster.

He had been in her apartment, watching her talk down to her boyfriend, the Nepali's roommate, for a few hours now and he knew that someone must stand up to her. The Nepali's roommate, like a beaten dog, took the abuse and could only muster a muted whimper in response. The Nepali had to take action on behalf of his friend, because it is the only honorable act for a friend to take. Since the Nepali knew the consequences of his actions would be harsh, it had taken a few glasses of liquid courage in order to get to the point where he could say what needed to be said.

Making sure that all could hear, the Nepali leaned forward and loudly pronounced, "I don't know much for I am but a mere, humble third-worlder, but I do know one thing for sure: Women belong in the kitchen!"

WHACK!

The blows came faster and harder than the Nepali expected. Even though the alcohol dulled his pain receptors, the Nepali felt he was being bruised quite badly. He steadfastly stood by his words though, and eventually the torrential downpour and punches subsided. Although he had been battered, the Nepali knew that he had acheived a great victory and earned the next sip of that delicious Tennessee flavor.

Moral of the Story: Women belong in the kitchen.

The Majesty of the Man Part V

The tripart genius of the Swiss Master:

1. Humanitarian

Just read what he has to say about the replay challenge at the US open:

Q. The other day you mentioned you don't like the instant replay system. Can you explain why.
ROGER FEDERER: Why I don't like it?

Q. Yes.
ROGER FEDERER: It's just not enough points, you know, that really make the difference. That money, we can use it for better causes than for, you know, challenges or whatever it is. It's only on the one or two biggest courts. It's different for the other guys, you know. They're not used to playing with these things.
For me of course it might be an advantage in the long run because I know how to handle those challenge calls, but I really don't think it's necessary. But, look, if the fans and the tournaments, they like it, look, it's not my problem, so...

Always thinking of the children. I donated to Unicef on Saturday. The most satisfying part was that in the memo line of the cheque, I got to write "For the children."

2. Tennis Player
Agreed.

Said Federer, "I always knew I was talented, I had potential. I'm shocked myself how well it's been going the last three, four years, not only compared to former great tennis players but now, especially, also other great athletes all over sports."

"He's just a genius with the racket," Navratilova said earlier in the day. "Probably at his best, he was better than anybody else at their best."

Roddick was asked what separates Federer from everyone else. He mentioned his ability to play big points, his amazing hand-eye coordination. And this:

"I think he sees the court a little bit differently," Roddick said.

And one day, history is likely to view Federer differently, too.

3. Man
A picture truly does say a thousand words:

The Majesty of the Man Part IV

Is there anything he can't do?

Creepiest Interview Ever

Okay, so I watch Project Runway. Deal with it. Anyways, Vincent got the aufing this week, much deserved by the way. I just read his interview with Entertainment Weekly, and he seems even crazier in the interview than he does in the show. Read it even if you don't watch the show. The ego on the man is through-the-roof *hilarious.* Keep in mind that Vincent was the worst designer on the show and I'm thoroughly convinced that he was allowed to hang around this long just for TV purposes. Here is hands down the creepiest segement from the interview:

What was your favorite part of the Paris trip?
The boat was fun. There was a cute girl with red shoes and a tattoo. I have a lovely wife, but I was getting a little bit nosy with her. Catherine was a little bit too old for me. The other one wasn't. We wanted to meet later for a drink — Jeffrey and I and she and her girlfriend. We invited them to our room just to have a nice bottle of champagne, but unfortunately they canceled on us.

After reading that I need to go wash my brain. The horror. The horror.

So I watched a 15 part

series on Jim and Pam's relationship on the American version of the Office. Actually much more amusing than I thought it would be. In other words, it killed 3 hours really well. Feel free to check it out.

Just Shut Up and Play

One thing that really sticks in my craw (whatever that is) is when bands talk too much between playing songs. I saw this hardcore band two weeks ago, Good Clean Fun, and the frontman wouldn't stop talking. And I mean babbling about god knows what. The rest of the band memebers actually seemed bored to listen to him drone on and on and on. He spent more time talking than actually playing music. And I like the band's music. But the "banter" was too much. Plus he was the fattest vegan I've ever seen. How do you get that big eating tofu and flowers?

Reason Number 102,102,123 of why I love YouTube.

So I had to introduce myself, formally, to the rest of the office for the first time yesterday. It went fine and dandy. In fact I didn't even have to say a word, just a wave to the rest of the people in the meeting. Anyways, since I have been on a bit of a David Brent kick lately, here is how not to introduce yourself.


BTW, YouTube is like the best thing ever for people writing a blog. Find a funny video, write a little introduction, throw in a half-hearted witty comment or two, and voila, a new blog entry.

Hate mail

I have recieved my first critique of the blog:

btw, read ur blog. boring. go shoot something up or something. or as i suggested to (some asian guy), start sleeping around with bimbos secretly, but let (misspelled name of my girlfriend) "accidentally" catch u. the ensuing violence, i would love to read abt, not crap abt tabasco chipotles and crotches

Its tough but fair. But for godssakes, please no more hyper-abbreviating. "Abt", what the hell is that? Let's just use vowels. MMmmmmkay?

Then again this is the same guy who said this:

AA: btw, guess what i did this weekend?
Some asian guy: hooked up with a girl?
AA: no, union breaking. almost as fun

The Majesty of the Man Part III

I couldn't agree more.

He hasn't lost a set in this tournament. This bit is priceless from the Times:

The hotel room to which he welcomed a reporter Thursday morning was a portrait of order after he pushed the breakfast cart out the door.

Eleven rackets were lined up side by side, their pristine white grips leaning against a fireplace. On the desk were a laptop and portable printer. A newspaper was folded and centered on the coffee table. Equipment bags were neatly stacked with the day's tennis clothes folded in a plastic sack. A butler would not have looked out of place.

"Mirka helps me out, you know; I like it tidy anyway," Federer said. "I used to be so untidy. I like it this way, especially here where I'm going to be here for hopefully three weeks or so."

Room tidy? Straight fact or euphenism for something more, how to put this, sleazier?

David Brent + Microsoft=Genius

Absolutely hysterical. So funny. If you've never seen the original Office, then go get it. These two videos are too funny.

Big Bottom

So I saw This is Spinal Tap for the first time over the weekend. Absolutely genius. Too funny. Anyways, my favorite part was the song "Big Bottom," which features 3 different bass lines. It starts at the 1:30 mark of this video but watch the whole thing anyways because its really hysterical.

Talk about mudflaps, my girl's got 'em.

Underrated Movie: Robocop

Robocop is an awesome movie with great action, hilarious dark humor, and brilliant, memorable characters. Unfortunately it tends to get grouped with other, more pedestrian, action movies as loud, stupid, and violent. As this review from Netflix points out, Robocop offers more:

Robocop is a remarkable movie with a profound human drama which is often overlooked and underappreciated. Peter Weller's character begins as man who is unwittingly commandeered by a ruthless executive for an experimental cyborg project Robocop. Robocop is sent out to police the city against the most depraved criminals imaginable. As the story unfolds, you find yourself wondering who is worse, the thugs or the corporate execs. In the middle is Robocop, now only half-human, he stands out in sharp contrast as the most human of all. Robocop, who is treated as if he has all the rights of a toaster, struggles to regain the humanity that was stolen from him. The story is moving, however the extremely graphic violence is not for very sensitive viewers. I should note the violence is an integral part of the story, since it sets up the contrast between Robocop and the world he struggles to find a place in. Well worth seeing, but don't bother with the sequels. The sequels take the three-dimensional Robocop and turn him into a two-dimensional comic book character with absolutely none of the charm of the original.

I couldn't have said it any better myself. It is a human story starring a cyborg. The take on corporate life is particularly biting and the main villians are appropriately evil. I urge everyone to see the movie again, for the first time. A classic. 5 stars.

Slap on the back/Punch in the face (US open edition)

Stephen Colbert has his “Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger.” I have my “Slap on the back/Punch in the Face.” Why the violence? Because as Paul Verhoeven says, “I think it's a kind of purifying experience to see violence.”

Punch in the Face:The Sun- I was badly burned on my face, arms, and legs on Monday. Although I wasn’t wearing sunscreen or a hat, it is not my fault. It is the sun’s fault. So a hardy punch in the face for the sun. To those that say that punching the sun would be impossible as I would be incinerated if I even came within a 100,000 miles of it, I contend that I will just go at night.

Slap on the back:The woman who insisted that I use her sunscreen- Halfway through my Monday viewing, a woman sitting next to me insisted that I use her sunscreen. While it’s embarrassing to be mothered by random women at 22 years old, it was much appreciated. I think she thought that I was no more than 15 years old anyways.

Slap on the back:Robby Ginepri and Tommy Haas- For playing a fine 5 set match on Monday. Very exciting.

Slap on the back:The Ethnically Ambiguous European in front of me in line at Café Europa on Monday Morning- This fine specimen of a man ordered 35 dollars worth of pastries, coffee, and little sandwiches for him and his lady friend. His order included a ham and cheese flatbread sandwich that he insisted on call a “ham and cheese burger.” Very. 7.3 out of 10.

Punch in the face:Whoever crapped on the floor of a stall in the bathroom at Penn Station- Disgusting.

Slap on the back:Tony- For making me laugh. He has started to “drop the kids off at the pool” exclusively in my parent’s bathroom. The fact that he announces before and after he does the deed is really funny. The fact that my parents get really upset about it is even funnier.

Slap on the back:Roger Federer- Because my life would be an empty, meaningless void without him.

Etymology of etymology

Because I know you are curious:

1398, from Gk. etymologia, from etymon "true sense" (neut. of etymos "true," related to eteos "true") + logos "word." In classical times, of meanings; later, of histories. Latinized by Cicero as veriloquium.

Casual Day

Ok so Friday is casual day at the office. This is pretty normal except that the dress in the office is business casual to begin with. So today is essentially, "wear the clothes you slept in to the office" day. A coworker just walked by, wearing no shoes, white socks with holes in the toe and I think sweatpants. Another guy is wearing a baggy Bob Marley tshirt with those jean shorts that go down to about mid shin. I feel overdressed wearing jeans, sneakers, and a collared shirt. It shouldn't be called casual day; it should be called "Dress as if its Sunday morning and you are going to your favorite diner for a late breakfast."

The Majesty of the Man Part II

It brings a tear to the eye. So beautiful.